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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Just lost my temper

25 replies

Comingundone · 26/02/2023 13:52

Just that really.

Eldest does nothing to help - only contribution is complaining how bad everything is and criticising everything I do.

Middle one is demanding and clingy and nothing is ever good enough and youngest one refuses to do anything as too tired, too hungry, too thirsty, too anything.

I have had enough of it all, don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.

I am a shit mother and hate my life, there is nothing to look forward to. They constantly tell me I am terrible in various ways and it’s so hurtful and they can be so rude to me. I feel I’ve failed as a parent as they are. They aren’t to their dad according to them.

Ive upset them all by shouting and now in tears in the bedroom hoping they can’t hear me but I have reached the end of my patience with the constantly battles. I am behind with all household chores and work in a very high pressures job full time.

I just want some peace, but there is always something. They go to their dad eow and besides that he does nothing expect maybe throw a spanner in the works every few months.

I feel useless and hopeless and this feeling is not getting any better as time goes on.

my friends are all happily married and I’m too ashamed to talk about the mess my life is in and how absolutely and completely mentally and physically exhausted I am.

OP posts:

Pleaseaddcaffine · 26/02/2023 13:59

My son is only 4 and it's hard.
But his dad loves him and they take the brunt out on the parent with unconditional love. He woukdnt be fed n clothed with his dad, sadly, so ultimately I'm the adult and I'm very very firm about that..i work hard to pay the bills, things are what they are.
Hugs

Original poster

Comingundone · 26/02/2023 14:06

I feel like a piece of shit for shouting 🙁
my stepdad used to shout at me all the time and it was awful
They are all being quiet now which is making me feel like a monster

OP posts:

jackstini · 26/02/2023 14:23

How old are they all? Depending on that may be different tips to cope / conversations to be had

You are not a rubbish Mum - you obviously care; sorry you are going through a tough patch

Dillydollydingdong · 26/02/2023 14:37

Why shouldn't they hear you upset and crying? They need to know the effect their behaviour is having on you. You're not a bit of shit, far from it.

Original poster

Comingundone · 26/02/2023 14:48

Oldest is 20 smaller ones are 8 and 11

I feel like I need to put on a brave no matter what as they need to be able to feel like I can manage.

there dad was the one who used to tell them how horrible was so I think maybe they will think he right.

i am a complete mess today and not coping as it’s been a horrible few weeks and today I just snapped.

I used to self harm as a teenager so this is scary

OP posts:

MagpiePi · 26/02/2023 14:49

You are not a shit mother, you are a tired human at the end of your tether.

They need to learn that their attitudes and treatment of you have consequences.

Where is their father in all this? Why isn't he doing a lot more of the parenting if he is so brilliant at it?

GCAcademic · 26/02/2023 14:51

Dillydollydingdong · 26/02/2023 14:37

Why shouldn't they hear you upset and crying? They need to know the effect their behaviour is having on you. You're not a bit of shit, far from it.

This. And you shouldn’t feel ashamed to talk to your friends. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You should be bloody proud of yourself for bringing up three children on your own. Of course you’re going to snap from time to time, you’re only human.

Original poster

Comingundone · 26/02/2023 14:57

Their brilliant father is vindictive, if I show any sign of not coping he will use it as leverage against me. His would constantly remind me how perfect I used to think I was, couldn’t be further from the truth of course. I avoid communicating until it’s about pick up and drop off. I learned the hard way we are not co parents

OP posts:

Lovetotravel123 · 26/02/2023 15:06

You are only human. I believe they may sometimes kids need to understand that their behaviour makes others feel bad. Have a good cry and then go and have a chat to them about what happened.

Original poster

Comingundone · 26/02/2023 15:09

Thank you everyone, I am so overwhelmed there seems to be no joy.

And I do feel ashamed like I’ve failed in life as just running the household at a basic seems feels beyond me let alone doing the things that make life seem worthwhile

OP posts:

Englishash · 26/02/2023 15:17

Be kind to yourself, especially if you feel no one else is. Cherry-pick the chores. Who actually cares if the bathroom isn't as pristine today as it ought to be? Get the uniforms done, the rest of the laundry and ironing can wait. Get ready for the week and ditch the extras. Order a pizza fir the kids and have a long hot bath and step back from the rest. You're not a shit mum - you're a great mum who's stretched to limit on her own.

Englishash · 26/02/2023 15:20

And as for upsetting the kids, won't hurt them to see how upset you are. Might make them think on ...

WandaWomblesaurus · 26/02/2023 15:33

Shouting at your kids because you've lost your shit with them isn't abusive - it's to be expected in the situation you've found yourself in. What were they doing just before you lost your temper?

You would have been overwhelmed.

Can you just try and distract yourself right now by getting into bed and listening to some music? Allow yourself to calm down.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 26/02/2023 15:46

Honestly if your eldest is 20 I'd be giving them a firm talking to and explain that they can always move out and stand on their own two feet. If they're being shit to you and not helping then they're setting an example for how the younger ones treat you.

Big deep breaths, you are not a shit mother but you are actually human and not impervious to hurtful and selfish actions and words. Take the rest of the afternoon and do something nice just for you.

Original poster

Comingundone · 26/02/2023 18:20

The eldest just tells me I’m being ridiculous and has absolutely no respect, I’ve told them it can’t continue as to leave but they don’t take me seriously obviously.

I honestly just want to end it all recently

OP posts:

Pleaseaddcaffine · 26/02/2023 19:38

Lower your standards. It will help.
My house is a tip but my 4 year old has been out today, dressed warm n fed. End of task... I'm winning as a parnet.
Your kids are alive, warm, loved and fed. Your smashing parenting compared to some.
Do somthing for you. Make it small if your need to.... Mines good coffee once a day. I get a proper decent coffee and it's my win.
All the kids can help with jobs.. My one loves to dust and to cook (carnage but fun). No jobs no WiFi or screens.
Speak to your gp if you need to for some support if your struggling, it's hard going doing it alone but you are doing well.

Original poster

Comingundone · 26/02/2023 20:02

Thank you. That’s the thing I struggle with the constant mess, it’s very triggering for me.

without slamming GPs in general my practice is the last place I would ask for help not only have they have been rated as one of the worst in the area and missed a serious health issue by refusing some tests so I can’t even get basic care there.

without sounding like I feel sorry for myself today is almost at rock bottom

OP posts:

Gremlins101 · 26/02/2023 21:20

Hugs...

I hope tomorrow is a little brighter. Please be kind to yourself. I've so much respect that you've raised 3 kids to the age that they are with little to no help and a stressful job.
You are an amazing human by the way ❤️

Findyourneutralspace · 26/02/2023 21:28

Sorry to hear this OP. I’m in the same boat with the ‘not a co-parent’ and I also have a 20 year old. It won’t hurt him to see you upset and at breaking point. In fact, I think he should. He’s a man now, albeit a very young one.
What does he do? This is the hardest age to parent I find, but it’s time for a new set of ground rules. He contributes to the household (be that financially or by doing chores).
Mine has been a complete pain to the point I made him an appointment with a housing officer recently. Having seen the alternatives he’s decided to tow the line. Massive hugs though, it isn’t easy, and I only have one younger one.
Honestly, losing your shit once in a while is human. Don’t hide from them 💐

Original poster

Comingundone · 26/02/2023 21:50

I’m really not amazing as I feel completely empty with nothing left to give and what I have feels so substandard

20 year old does very little turned up a few hours ago after a party went to bed and has no gone to the shops I imagine for junk and will come back and keep me awake.

Christ I have so many regrets. I must be very stupid to end up like this

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 26/02/2023 22:01

I think it might be time for the 20 y o to move out. I think that would be my talk for tomorrow.

No particular hurry but you're an adult now and as you're bringing nothing to this household it's time to move. Lets say the end of February. If you can afford you could offer to pay the deposit on her rental.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 26/02/2023 22:15

Fuck today. Seriously. Just go to bed and chill/sleep. Tomorrow, you start new.

The oldest needs to shut up first of all. No complaining, he wants something he can do it for himself. Or he can go live with his dad. No ifs or buts.

The other two, they help out or you're cutting into their allowance/screen time. Again no arguments, that's how it is. Set some (not many and the most important rules) non negotiable rules and stick to them. Consistency is key.

And for you, give yourself a few days/a week to declutter your main spaces. Just go through stuff and chuck it /give it away. If you can, invest in some good storage. Prioritise your bedroom, and they can't cone in unless you say so. Then cut yourself some slack, in all areas. Keep housework to a level where it is manageable and just what you need to do for your own wellbeing. No one gives a shit if the baby photo album is dusty. No one dies if mum is overwhelmed and lost it once. No one will die if mum is tired and everyone is having cereal for dinner once in a while or she goes for a bath or is in her bed reading a book.

Put your own oxygen mask first. You're not a shit mum if you prioritise yourself. Sounds like your ex's bullshit has not infiltrated the kids, but it's eating away at you too. Fuck him. He's not there doing it all , is he? You are. Even at your worst you're a million times the parent he is, simply because you ARE there and you are trying.

SeulementUneFois · 26/02/2023 22:37

Lovetotravel123 · 26/02/2023 15:06

You are only human. I believe they may sometimes kids need to understand that their behaviour makes others feel bad. Have a good cry and then go and have a chat to them about what happened.

Why only "sometimes"?

MamOfFive · 26/02/2023 23:19

Go to bed, fuck it. Tell your eldest to start respecting their mother or move out.
Your youngest two bang their heads together & use bribery of pocket money.

It's going to be alright, it's just a blip.

StealthedDefender · 14/03/2023 15:45

How's it going @Comingundone ?

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