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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Need male advice!!

14 replies

LondonerWith2 · 24/02/2023 12:15

So my situation is tricky. Me and OH have been together 7 years this year have 2 beautiful girls together
We split up in Jan I moved out got flat with kids etc, he moved in in Sept as he couldn't handle life without us started using drugs etcetera.
Since being back together he kept his job 1.5hours away from where we live, and his same social circle
Few months ago he said he's gonna be staying at his mums 2/3 night a week as it was closer to work, initially I half agreed as long as our relationship didn't suffer.
Few months down and we suffer massively, he doesn't contact me while he's there cause he's with the boys etc
This week he will be there 3 nights and only back on Sunday
I feel so unimportant, unvalidated and unloved by him, I've raised my issues so many times only to be met by I'm the problem I'm too demanding etc
This morning I got upset cause he's away again tonight and when I asked him to come back he's already made plans and now I'm the bad guy for pointing out how I feel
Am I in the wrong????

OP posts:

Original poster

LondonerWith2 · 25/02/2023 20:57

Something I didn't mention
The drug use hasn't stopped just much less common, once every few months he'll go out swearing not to do anything then will be until 7am the next day, this happened last night

OP posts:

rockingbird · 26/02/2023 09:41

Do you know if he's actually at his mums?? Doesn't sound like it.

Original poster

LondonerWith2 · 26/02/2023 18:13

So a few friends gave said thus in the past and I fully believe he is
Cause I know his history with drugs

OP posts:

Starseeed · 26/02/2023 18:22

I feel so unimportant, unvalidated and unloved by him, I've raised my issues so many times only to be met by I'm the problem I'm too demanding etc

your feelings are always valid. Why are you with him when he makes you feel like this?

Original poster

LondonerWith2 · 27/02/2023 07:33

The cliche I love him
But also cause my kids thrive when he's around
And having the stability of the family reduces chances of him going off rails again

OP posts:

Dafydd66 · 02/03/2023 07:58

Why did you split up in the first place

Original poster

LondonerWith2 · 02/03/2023 14:22

Mainly cause at the time he was going out ALOT and leaving me home with a toddler, newborn, and never checked in to let me know when he'd be back etc

OP posts:

OverTheRubicon · 02/03/2023 14:28

LondonerWith2 · 27/02/2023 07:33

The cliche I love him
But also cause my kids thrive when he's around
And having the stability of the family reduces chances of him going off rails again

How would you feel if you saw your own DC treated like this by their partner? And sacrificing their own life for a drug user who doesn't show up for their kids or partner?

Original poster

LondonerWith2 · 02/03/2023 15:25

What's dc?
Assuming it's my kids
Don't really know how to answer that
I'm aware of what's healthy and unhealthy in a relationship
All I can do is teach them
They are their own people so could get into relationships I disapprove of etc
If I had any guidance with regards to men by my mum maybe things would be different

OP posts:

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 02/03/2023 16:58

You split up for the exact reasons he's upsetting you now. He isn't going to change. I don't understand how you can love someone who treats you and your children so badly. It's time to let him go.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 02/03/2023 16:58

DC = darling children

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 02/03/2023 17:01

Your DC will be their own people. But if you stick with your DP they will see being treated badly by a partner as normal and will no doubt follow the same path you have taken. Is that what you want for them?

OverTheRubicon · 02/03/2023 20:19

LondonerWith2 · 02/03/2023 15:25

But you're giving your own kids guidance about relationships right now. You're telling them to have incredibly low expectations, you're telling them to accept future partners who come in and out of their lives at will, are addicted to drugs, you're telling them to think it's normal when their future boyfriends or girlfriends put them last. You're telling them that even after all this bad treatment, they should also sacrifice themselves and your grandkids to provide co-dependent support for their crappy partners.

I'm so sorry for you too in this. Likely this actually is the guidance your mum gave you too. But you deserve so much better than this, and so do your lovely kids - because while you can tell them all about healthy relationships, their future model will be you and your partner, and this isn't good guidance for them either.

The freedom programme is great guidance for many women. Al Anon is another great resource, you'll speak to the families of many other addicts, and get guidance on how to set boundaries and expectations, and how his choices with drugs are on him and absolutely not your fault nor your responsibility.

Dafydd66 · 02/03/2023 21:45

So it's down to you how much your willing to put up with. I'm guessing you don't want a partner who's a complete doormat but also not someone like your current partner who is there inconsistantly.

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