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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

How often to FaceTime the other parent?

25 replies

percypig82 · 14/02/2023 20:33

My child is nearly three, my ex FaceTimes me every night. Last night my child didn't want to speak with him as was playing and said as much on the phone and tried to cancel the call. My ex takes it really personally. This morning he tried to call as I was getting child ready and in the car for nursery and then he called later, whilst I was putting pyjamas on and about to get ready for bed. I normally pick up most nights but was exhausted. Then received a text asking, in a very matter of fact way, if there was any reason why I didn't answer calls. I find it really controlling and like my ex is always in my life. I don't mind a few times a week, but every night when I too work full time. What do others think?

OP posts:

autumn1610 · 14/02/2023 20:36

I can’t see every night being an issue as such, he wants to be in their life, but it should be at an agreed time so your child knows dads going to call and you know he’s going to call. Outside of the agreed time then no shouldn’t need to answer unless some sort of emergency. Do you speak to your DC when they stay at his every day they are there?

Original poster

percypig82 · 14/02/2023 20:37

@autumn1610 used to when younger but now let the ex have time with the child, without me interrupting. Too young to have proper chat and also don't think it's fair when child has had a long day at nursery to expect them to entertain the other parent on the phone.

OP posts:

SpinningFloppa · 14/02/2023 20:41

Wish my ex was interested in speaking with the children he hasn’t contacted them in 7 weeks

Original poster

percypig82 · 14/02/2023 20:45

@SpinningFloppa I don't mind him contacting. But he gets obsessive when I'm not picking up at his beck and call. He was controlling when we were together and I find it controlling now!

OP posts:

DogSaysWoof · 14/02/2023 20:47

We have it once a week at a set time, but, also anytime beyond that but with at least a days notice.

AllWorkYoPlait · 14/02/2023 20:47

It might just be easier to schedule 10 minutes at a set time. If child isn't interested then so be it and they speak again tomorrow.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/02/2023 20:47

Every night is too much. How often is your son staying with his dad?

littleburn · 14/02/2023 20:54

It very much sounds like a continuation of his controlling behaviour OP and I can see why it would unsettle you in that regard, lie he's trying to make his presence felt. Say to him it's too much for your DC every day after nursery (as it clearly is) and instead it needs to be every other night at a set time. If he misses that time and tries to call later/next day ignore it.

littleburn · 14/02/2023 20:54

*like not lie

Original poster

percypig82 · 14/02/2023 20:59

@littleburn thanks. It does feel a bit weird to call in the morning and evening on Valentine's Day. He does normally only call in the pm. I spent over two years with him, convinced I had cheated on him. It's weird feeling being accused of stuff you haven't done and even now I found myself wanting to justify why I hadn't picked up the calls, when in fact it wasn't convenient.

OP posts:

TeddyBeans · 14/02/2023 20:59

Ours is court ordered for Wednesday at 6.30. It actually happens at 6.20 because it gives me more time to get DS ready for bed for 7pm. The time it lasts ranges depending on how interested DS is (he's 4, nearly 5). Sometimes it can be 20 minutes, sometimes it'll be less than 5. Every day is too much, there's just not enough to talk about. If he's insisting on every day then he needs to read your little one a bedtime story or something that's actually going to hold their attention

Original poster

percypig82 · 14/02/2023 21:00

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz sees them every weekend. He moved further away and we are moving to every other weekend soon. I understand need for calls, I don't like the follow up texts if I don't answer (which I normally do)! Toddlers are hard work and it's not always convenient to fit a phone call in.

OP posts:

Illbeready · 14/02/2023 21:00

At 3 years old every night is to much. Tell him it's every other night and set a time say between 6-630 etc.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/02/2023 21:01

How much does he facilitate you face timing him when ds is with him?

Original poster

percypig82 · 14/02/2023 21:01

@TeddyBeans court only orders once a week? Interesting! How often does your LO see their father?

OP posts:

Original poster

percypig82 · 14/02/2023 21:02

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I try not to do it anymore because I just want them to enjoy their time together. Obviously if she was gone for a week or longer I'd like a couple of FaceTimes.

OP posts:

Sanch1 · 14/02/2023 21:04

My kids see their dad EOW. They are 6 and 9. He normally calls once or twice between his weekends, no set time or day but messages to check it's ok first.

TeddyBeans · 14/02/2023 21:07

percypig82 · 14/02/2023 21:01

@TeddyBeans court only orders once a week? Interesting! How often does your LO see their father?

Every other weekend Friday 6.30pm - Sunday 3pm

Original poster

percypig82 · 14/02/2023 21:09

@Sanch1 he sounds very respectful of you and your children's time.

OP posts:

Original poster

percypig82 · 14/02/2023 21:10

@TeddyBeans this is what new contact will be like as I am moving (financial reasons). It makes me feel he is being controlling in his actions

OP posts:

neighboursmustliveon · 14/02/2023 21:10

I don't think daily is an issue, would you want to go more than a day without speaking to your 3 year old?

It's not unreasonable to have a set agreed time, ideally the same time each day but so long at it's agreed in advance so you and child can be ready to take the call. At thee they can't expect much more than a couple of minutes but that it something to keep the relationship going.

Original poster

percypig82 · 14/02/2023 21:14

@neighboursmustliveon I do go more than a day without speaking to them.

OP posts:

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 14/02/2023 21:17

We never did facetime as it wasnt really a thing when DD was younger. But court did say contact was better in short but regular instances.

I wouldnt be totally against daily calls but Id set it at a low impact time as part of your routine so 6:30 might be perfect. LO in PJs speaks to dad, dad can read a bedtime story over the call. Teeth brushed, you read a story and then bed or something similar. If he gets (DS not exDP) upset by the calls then bedtime might not be a good time.

Original poster

percypig82 · 14/02/2023 21:21

Thank you everyone. I agree maybe setting a time and maybe a couple of days off over the weekend. Really helpful thanks x

OP posts:

awmum2b · 15/02/2023 12:05

I have a decent relationship with my child's father and we still get along fine for the most part, so talking to him myself isn't really an issue. Even so you can't just demand a small child talk to and some evenings mine just doesn't want to.

We normally speak to him twice a week, Tuesday evening and a weekend morning depending what's on. He will text and ask if she's up for a call and we'll go from there, at 4 mine is still led by me and I will also be on the call to try and push the engagement a bit, or we ring while she's in the bath and trapped in one place. She has only ever asked once if we could call Daddy and ironically he didn't answer!

In the meantime I will text him with pictures or updates of what she's up to (although definitely not daily, maybe once a week)

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