Terrified to date again after emotionally abusive relationship

[23Elfie]

Has anyone else felt like this? In a nutshell have been single for 8 years have 1 child.
Child's dad (my ex) was mentally abusive, a narcissist who gaslighted me from day 1.

I've been on a couple of dates since we split but literally 1 date and didn't see them again.
Was chatting to a guy for about 3 months and we went on 3 dates and I felt fairly calm with him as I'd met him before at a wedding, we text and spoke on the phone for about 6 weeks before the first date. This was 4 years ago.

Someone is now showing an interest, but I always get this crippling fear/anxiety kind of feeling as soon as someone shows an interest (doesn't happen often at all)

If anyone else has been like this - how did you get over it? Does it ever go?

Hi, you are quite brave to admit to being so terrified of dating again.

If you want to get over any fear, the key is exposure. I'd say start with something easy, for example chat with people on tinder. Then you can move to phone conversations, video calls and then finally go on a date. The only reason why I say this is because you don't want to push yourself too much while you don't feel ready.
Baby steps is the way to go here.

Best of luck xx

Hi, I can definitely relate to this post. The exact same thing is happening to me and I also spoke to a guy who I ended up falling in love with I believe actually and it rarely happens to me but feeling safe around him was it for it. Unfortunately I ended up ending it as we were getting too close and that was very emotionally vulnerable for me and scary and I didn't want to lose myself so I broke it off and its been a bit of a regret tbh but you know at least I am protecting my heart. It still hurts to this day as it is still a bit recent but it is what it is. Maybe it also wasn't meant to be.. guess we will never know. In the end I decided I don't think I am ready just yet to date again so I have continued single since and just focusing on me and my son.

My advice to you if you really want to try or really like this person and they're giving you good signs.. go for it but take your time you don't have to rush and you shouldn't especially with a child. Set your boundaries. Make it clear to them what you would like to do. And just go with the flow.. Be present try not overthink it I know it's hard but who knows if you don't try you will never know. If there's one thing I learned is we can't let fear take over. If I could have received this same advice I am giving you I would've taken it because who knows if I didn't give up so easily maybe that could've been my person. I wish I hadn't been so scared to the point of giving up especially when he was so patient with me but yeah...you are not alone and you got this woman! Good luck!

Thank you so much for your replies. Knowing it’s a normal feeling is nice to hear (although not nice that we find ourselves in such a boat!)
Suchmess - bless you I totally understand what you’re saying. I hope someone comes along for you who you feel comfortable with when you’re ready, it’s such a minefield isn’t it? X

No worries at all and I appreciate that. Hope the very same for you. And yes it's really hard after abusive relationships tbh.. but it shall all work out once it's meant to be for us.

I felt like that for a few years after things ended with my ex. I just focused on DC and myself. Somewhere along the way I found myself and my self confidence. I found myself in a happy place. Didn’t feel the need for a relationship.

One day I bumped into an old friend (someone I had feelings in the past for but we didn’t act on it at the time) and I finally felt like I was ready to date someone. It took a lot of work on myself and my past for me to get to a place where I could be in a healthy relationship. I am married now and happy, but I was also happy when I was single with DC. I think that is important because I didn’t get into a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. I was no longer afraid of being single forever because I had experienced far worse.

Sometimes things happen when you least expect it.

Totally agree with this. I'm happy you got your happy ending. It's nice to hear stories like this :)

I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years and after I ended it I was determined to never let anyone else in mine or my children's lives. 2 years later, I met someone while on weekend way and we started a casual long distance relationship. That was all I could tolerate, I would never have dated anyone who could just turn up whenever they liked and I made him aware that I was not wanting anything serious. We continued like that for a couple of years and by that time he had shown me that he was trust worthy etc and a year later I agreed to move so that we could live together. We have been together 17 years in June so it is possible to find happiness. My advice would be to take it very slow and be honest about what you want out of a relationship and if that is something they are ok with.