AIBU - mothers 'comments'

[denishhol]

So I am a single parent to a toddler (not had one day off, bio father not involved, don't have involved grandparents) and my mother whenever me meet up she always comments and it annoys me so much I just ignore, put a face on and basically leave).
So its things like this:
!My toddler will be playing on the playground and she goes "why do you let her play up there? Thats just STUPID' and then walks away.

Or I will get messy play out to have dun with my child when she's over she will say "why are you doing all that it will make a mess that's a RIDICULOUS idea' so i end up just putting it away and put the tv on out of irritation
Or if she's here and i've cooked done lunch at a certain time "WHY are you making lunch at this time that's just ridiculously late"

But its little comments things like this. And when she says them i end up phusically shakimg and my mind just goes blank like im dazed out. Aibu for my reaction? Do i sound overdramatic and sensitive?

You sound as if her criticisms are having a physical effect on you. Are you able to ask her to stop making negative comments, as you are trying to parent your child?

You do sound sensitive to her criticism. Do you think she's right and it knocks your confidence? Are you scared of her? Did she do similar when you were young?

Part of being a lone parent is learning to stand up for your child and for your parenting - everyone has an opinion.

Good luck

I think its really upsetting when this is coming from your mum, and she is critisising the most important aspect of your life. I dont think you are over reacting, I think it sounds like a horrible dynamic. Are you able to tell her how upsetting you find it?

we don't have a close dynamic, she was like this growing up as well, always criticism or just ignoring. She doesn't talk much and is a bit odd and she doesn't offer to take him out for a day or anything its like she only speaks if she has something bad to say. My dad was the same but i lived with him growing up. I had the physical reaction as a child as well and i just think im sensitove, as he would always say (threatening to send me to a mental asylum whever i cried - too sensitive). But i cant ask her to stop these comments as i dont have the confidence to. It would feel weird. Its just we meet because thats what families do. I dont particularly look forward to seeing her but she wants to see her grandson.

That sounds like childhood emotional abuse. Consider what she brings to your life now and whether you benefit from having her in it. Single motherhood is very hard, you need people who energise you not people who speak to you and treat you like that. It sounds like you’re doing great things with your child, don’t let her put you off.

Your mother is not behaving appropriately. She's also very rude!

There's probably not much you can do to change her behaviour, but you can (with practice) change the way you respond to her.

At the moment you are locked into a pattern of behaviour where you respond to her in a child-like manner. This provides her with positive feedback.

Picture the strongest character you know, either irl or from fiction. How would she, a strong and independent woman, react to your mother? Feeling secure in the knowledge that she is your mother's equal, she would, without any drama, dismiss any unhelpful advice and carry on as before. When your mother protests and tries to re-assert control she would be calm and possibly mildly amused. She would say things like "don't be silly mother", give her an affectionate pat on the arm and carry on, ignoring any further protests by your mother.

You may have to fake it til you make it, but with practice you can disrupt the well-worn pattern of your interactions with her.

What would she get out of it? What's so reinforcing about annoying your 30 year old daughter. Doesn't make sense. PND makes everything just a little bit more sensitove anyway -and she knows I suffer from this. It makes it so much harder to pretend i'm wonder woman or something

What would she get out of it?

I don't think I, or anyone else can diagnose her over the internet. It may simply be a pattern of communication she's fallen into. It's unlikely to be something she is consciously doing. She is unlikely to be thinking "time to undermine denishhol", it'll more likely be something triggers her to feel anxious/insecure/envious and that prompts her to act in a way that she subconsciously knows will give her some sort of temporary respite from those feelings. Most people are damaged rather than evil. Either way, you owe her nothing and you are under no obligation to put up with it.

What's so reinforcing about annoying your 30 year old daughter

Could be lots of things. It could help her feel important. It could be because she feels you are an extension of her and therefore that the only correct way for you to do things is her way. It could be a total lack of self awareness. Or many other things.

If contact with her is not helping your PND then you are perfectly entitled to avoid it, although that may bring its own drama of course. You owe her nothing.

Hugs, because I know this stuff always sounds simple but is actually really, really bloody hard.

I think she gets to feel good about herself.
Instead of defending yourself you could try saying ''controlling!'' or ''critical''
and just carry on.

It is really depleting to realise though that your own mother uses you as a tool to feel good about herself.

I’d tell her to aid off and not come back until she can behave decently. That’s me, though, and I appreciate not everyone will.

Have you tried asking “what did you say that for”?

Sod off!

You are not over-reacting. You are not being over-dramatic. You are not being over-sensitive. You do need to speak to your mum. She's perhaps not aware she is coming across like this. Did she do this with you as a child?

I hope a simple conversation will clear this up for you.

I agree with other posters, your child needs you to stand up for her so please try and stand up for yourself too and speak to your mum about this.

Good luck 💐

My mum has criticised me my whole life, tiny things like how I have my hair, to big things like jobs I want to take. Now I have a DD I find it absolutely unbearable and it cuts me to the core that she thinks it's ok to criticise my decisions about my child and chip away at my confidence in my parenting. I've tried talking to her about it but she just says they're just 'offhand comments' and I'm too sensitive etc. So I just spend less time with her because it has a noticeable affect on my mental health when I've been around her and I find myself becoming hyper vigilant and trying to alter things that might attract criticism. Like your mum it's just really stupid stuff like what time we eat but she cannot stand anyone doing anything in a different way to how she would do it.

Yes, the insults only flow one way in my FOO but it's weird, my mother doesn't see them as insults. Like a while ago she said to me that I looked like death warmed up. This from the woman who never wears make up. None. Never have I ever said to her that a bit of under eye concealer and some mascara would go a long way. That would be perceived as a nasty attack but yet in our dynamic she can tell me that she is worried about me because I look like death warmed up.

You're not overreacting or being oversensitive. She sounds like very hard work.

Appreciate it's easy for a stranger on the internet to say this, but have you ever tried answering her? So next time she asks why you're doing messy play with DD (for example), tell her it's because DD enjoys it, and it's good for her development.

You don't need to be confrontational, but it might stop her in her tracks.

My mother is similar in that she thinks she is being helpful but is there a reason you don’t stand up for yourself? You are the parent, it’s your choice how you bring up your child. She needs to respect your choices but she will carry on if you don’t let her know her attitude frustrates you.