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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

can an awful relationship with xp ever get better?

17 replies

givemehope · 04/02/2008 22:42

We split up about a year ago after (and due to) a volatile, argumentative, stressful relationship. Despite the fact that he's gone and - on the surface at least - I'm doing ok, it still feels the same. We have to talk/have minimal contact re DS and it's the same old roller coaster of emotion. Can be ok for a week, then a big row, then silence blah, blah. Feeling very sad for DS and guilty that we're ruining his childhood. Wish I was a bigger and better person instead of the bitter, spiteful woman I've turned into. I am full of resentment/anger but have now got to the stage that I think it's making me ill and dragging DS down.

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Original poster

givemehope · 04/02/2008 23:05

Is that a 'no' then?!! (shuffling off to join angry and indignant thread....)

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Original poster

givemehope · 04/02/2008 23:12

Not meaning to denigrate 'angry and indignant' (as that's how I am 99% of the time). Just a bit sad (and tired) tonight instead and wish it could all stop. Am in awe of those who manage to be civil with xp s.

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TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench · 04/02/2008 23:15

A year is early days.

You're not a spiteful old woman, just still in pain. But it will diminish over time.

For what it's worth I think one of you has to swallow your price & anger, bite the bullet, be the grown up & show the other how you want and need to communicate. I bombarded my (vile) ex with niceness & reasonableness & against all the odds he came round in the end.

TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench · 04/02/2008 23:18

pride and anger, BTW.

But you will find it easier eventually

I mean, it's not about being civil to him for his sake. It's about being nice to him for the greater good of DS. Seperate issue.

keeplaughing · 04/02/2008 23:27

Hang in, it will get better (or you will become stronger) may take a while. Take care of you

Original poster

givemehope · 04/02/2008 23:32

Thank-you moist. Will try being nice, will confuse him if nothing else.
Have always emigrated after previous relationship failures (honestly - though no kids before). Time to grow up and deal with things I guess.

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charliecat · 04/02/2008 23:34

I need my own bitter and twisted thread.
I find him being nice vile. He never was before. Its not easy. Is it?

madamez · 04/02/2008 23:36

Try to close a door in your mind between Horrible XP and My Child's Co-Parent - and work on building a pleasant, friendly relationship with the latter. Because that's the relationship you have now (co-parents) and you will have that forever, so it's good for all of you to try to make it as friendly as possible.

lostdad · 05/02/2008 10:22

In my mind the jury's still out on that one givemehope.

After my ex left almost a year ago, refusing all communication aside from solicitor's letters and the odd email telling me what I'm doing wrong - and people saying `Give her time' - I'm still waiting for the monumental step of her wanting us to work together for our son's benefit...

TLV · 05/02/2008 13:12

well i really don't want to be friendly with my stb xdh at all, when I think of the way he walked out and the way he has treated me I can't possibly see us being friends, I will be civil for dd but nothing else. I was committed to the marriage he wasn't and bearing in mind i'm his second wife it just goes to show where the problem lies

brightwell · 06/02/2008 17:23

I'm almost 9 years down the line and still don't have a good relationship with ex. On the whole he's civil as long as things go his way but as soon as I step out of line ie asking for more maintenance, get annoyed with him because he changes pick up times/ days or just says he can't have dc, he then resorts to his old abusive & name calling ways.

littlewoman · 08/02/2008 00:04

This is Mrs. Angry and Indignant speaking!! If someone had embezzled you out of all your money, would the world then be surprised that you did not want to be friends with the swindling bastard? No! Please don't label yourself with words like 'spiteful' or 'bitter'. You have a right to feel pain at the loss of your hopes/dreams/future plans. You are not bitter, you are hurt and unable to act otherwise, perhaps, at present. I was off the wall mental when xh left for other woman. I felt like Keanu Reeves when he gets unplugged from the matrix and suddenly the whole world is not what you thought it was, IYKWIM. It does get better, but whilst you're waiting try not to show too much in front of the kids. You are entitled to feel it, but I didn't feel I was entitled to screw my kids up just because I felt the way I did. I used to do V's ups & wanker signs as he drove away with the kids. Pathetic, but a tiny bit satisfying

littlewoman · 08/02/2008 00:06

Oh, behind the car, not so the kids could see, before you all think I'm a cow!!

Original poster

givemehope · 08/02/2008 21:46

Hi LW
No, I know we'll never be friends. He's abusive, dishonest and untrustworthy - not what I want in a friend (and should never have put up with in a partner). Suppose I just want to get to the stage when he doesn't bother me so much - i.e I don't feel total rage every time I have to see him. (Have since appeared on your A and I thread!)

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lostdad · 11/02/2008 09:36

No, you're right LW. I don't want to be friends with my ex. It would make my day to know I would never see, speak or hear from her again.

However, our son means this isn't possible - I have to keem making the effort for his sake even if she refuses to.

I don't want to be friends with someone who has put her interests before our son - how can us not working together be more in his best interests than doing so?

I don't want to be friends with a liar, a hypocrite, a coward, someone who has insulted (literally, not just metaphorically) my family who had never done nothing but welcome her with open arms or someone who can happily summarily cut off so many of our good mutual friends without warning or explanation. I don't want to be friends with someone who apparently sees her role in life to be a victim.

Yet I feel sorry for her. I just wish she'd be honest with herself - if she doesn't, she will be hamstrung for the rest of her life.

LoneLou · 11/02/2008 10:22

I know how you feel givemehope. I've been split up with X for 6 weeks now I was initially trying to be amicable but I too feel so bitter and twisted I don't show this in front of ds but it is so hard to control my feelings. I still love my X and get so angry about the other woman that I show this to my X, secretly X probably loves this that I'm still hung up over him. I too cannot be friends with him I need the time to get over him, without seeing him but with ds its hard coz X is round everyday to see ds.
I feel so angry, I wish there was a switch to turn my feelings off so I can just get on with my life.

Original poster

givemehope · 11/02/2008 20:22

Lonelou - think you are doing amazingly well! Remember reading your postings just after he left (what an a*hole btw). You are being very strong. Is there any way you can stop having him come to the house? I know you probably don't like your DS going to his either (esp with OW there), but it's not reasonable for him to think he can keep coming to yours.

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