Coparenting making me depressed

[QPR1986]

Name change and I'm sorry in advance for the big rambling rant. Just looking for some support from other solo mums who might understand what I'm going through or who have been there themselves.

My ex moved out when our daughter was ten months old. I gave birth to our daughter in 2020 at the height of the pandemic and our relationship went from bad to worse. My ex partner was on the whole not supportive at all (he was drinking excessively - up to ten pints a day, spending money, crashed a car my parents lent him, when he did see friends would stay out all night and not come home until the early hours… the list goes on). It made me more depressed and anxious and I was probably suffering from PND but never got properly diagnosed. He moved out when I was away seeing my parents, leaving me to pay rent, bills etc whilst still on maternity. He moved around 40 mins away.

After moving out He kept demanding my daughter stay with him overnight and in the end I gave in and let this happen (against my better judgement as looking back she was still so young). He pays me only what he legally has to (£350 a month) and can’t pay anymore. Out of my middle wage (45k) I have to find money for rent, bills, travel, petrol, food, nursery (£1600 a month) and barely break even every month. I work in the evening from home to top up what I earn.

Over the past year I have had no boundaries at all, he’s been able to FaceTime every night, pop round in the week and visit whenever he wants. We share weekends as I work full time but if he is working I obviously have to look after my daughter.. The only boundary I have is that she stays with me in the week. He has no routine with her, and this is shown when she comes back from staying at his as she takes longer to settle. He also only has small one bed flat and she doesn’t have her own cot/bed, so she shares his bed.

The amount of times he’s let me down over the past year is a lot. And before christmas he even brought my daughter back at 8pm because she was crying for me and he didn’t know what to do. Yet, despite all this if I don’t pick up the call to a FaceTime in the week he sends me angry messages, if I don’t let him pop round and see her in the week (which I want to stop as I don’t feel comfortable having him in my house midweek and I’m exhausted from being at work all day) he tells me I can’t stop him from seeing her. I also think it unsettles her seeing him inconsistently in the week). He threatens me all the time with his ‘legal rights’ but he can’t afford to have her 50/50 as he can barely afford the £350 a month let alone the £800 nursery bill.

The point of this post is that I’m sick of him constantly making me feel shit and I’m annoyed at myself for letting him have such control of my life. I’m proud of myself for looking after my daughter consistently and offering her stability and a proper home, whilst working two jobs. I am planning on moving in with parents this year (a hour and half away from him) I want to work less, spend more time with my daughter and not be so stressed. Again he has objected to this, saying he wants to see his daughter every weekend.. Even then I said ‘you can have her full weekends most weekends if you want.’ That still wasn’t good enough because in his words ‘I don’t want her all weekend every weekend because I’ll want some time to myself too.’ Yet he wants me to stay working two jobs, being stressed and barely seeing my daughter because it suits him Where I live at the moment.

Can someone give me a reality check and tell me to stand up to him a bit more? Whenever he calls me ‘out of order’ or cries ‘I’m her father and I have rights you can’t stop me seeing her.’ I end up going into my shell and giving in to his demands. (FYI I have never stopped him seeing her at all) Despite me doing and paying for 95% of everything. When I say this to him he says ‘I said I’d take her one night in the week but you don’t want me to.’ I feel he is really controlling and coercive and whatever I do is wrong, unless it suits him.

I know moving will improve mine and my daughters life 100% and want to offer every other weekend, with me doing drop offs. Just getting so depressed with the constant battle with him, when I get so little back in return.

Well if he can’t afford more than £350 he’s not going to take you to court.
You need to formalise access at this stage. Also reduced FaceTime to say twice a week.
Id get a new phone/number and only let him have the one you have.
Let him send you abusive messages, don’t respond and save them. Not going to make him look good to anyone.

You need to push back. You’ve allowed him a position of power over you and you need to take it back.
I know you are also struggling but could you see a solicitor to formalise access/even a formal letter?

@Teatime55 thank you. This is exactly the message I needed to read. I'm letting him walk all over me. I could understand if he was supporting me financially or had been consistently helpful over the past year.

Totally agree we need something legal in place. I think with all his legal threats, I'm terrified the courts will give 50/50 (I know I'll have the father's for justice brigade on my back for writing that) but aside from what I previously mentioned about him not being able to afford half the nursery costs I don't think it's fair for her to live in a tiny apartment without her own bed/cot (or room). Because he's used legalities as threats for the past year it's really worn me down and made me very passive. X

Formalising access will help prepare you for the move especially if that’s a good incentive to keep going.
Id stop engaging and telling him anything as well. Go grey rock as much as possible.

He won’t want 50/50 they never do, he wants his weekends and doesn’t want the expense. I think if you could speak to someone with more legal knowledge it would be a good start.

@Teatime55 what is grey rock?

I genuinely think wants to spend time with her. But only at his convenience (if he's Ill, got work to do in evening, tired etc it's a no go) but sadly as a parent you don't get to pick and choose

Only responding to a minimum, yes, no, basic information. Stop telling him your plans or anything.
Parenting isn’t convenience though and tiredness isn’t an excuse.

I’d also suggest getting a more formal arrangement at this stage (though ideally agree between yourselves rather than go to court).

I’d probably mention to him that you think this would be best and that you’re going to send him your thoughts. Then send a polite but clear email saying that you don’t think the current situation is working well for you or more importantly your dd and that it would be in everyone’s best interest for you each to have more structure as to when you see her. Then outline what you think might work e.g he has dd every other weekend and one day during the week (for which he would be responsible for childcare) or whatever other arrangement you’d be ok with. Say that you are happy to consider an alternative proposal.

If he won’t engage then think about getting a solicitor involved.

@Circe7 thanks for this, again a very measured response. If I move, which I'm planning on doing he wouldn't be able to have her in the week. He has already said he doesn't want every other weekend, as he wants to see her every weekend (we take one night a weekend at the moment)

Be prepared OP... it only costs the price of the application to the court to get a child arrangements order so it's more than possible he can afford it. £215

Most people self represent for these .

Been there years ago. Do not drag this out any longer. I'm at time to put your foot down woman!

First step is to have one channel only for communication. Get a pay as you go phone, stick a tenner on it and give him the number. Tell him it's your new number. Keep phone off and only turn on once a day and when your daughter is with him. This means you don't have to jump when he harasses you on your phone.

Block him across any social media. It's really important he has just one road to you and that's it

Then think about what you want, what he wants and - crucially - what is best for your child. Don't offer him every weekend either. That does not work going forward.

Offer every other weekend and one day in the week. Or at least consider that.

The important thing is to block his avenues to you. Why the fuck is he wandering round your house?! I had this and it was really upsetting and unsettling. You are not a family.

He should see his daughter if he's safe to have her. But you need to stop this dripping in as he fancies and pull up your big girl pants and tell him it stops and it stops now.

Offer court ordered access and say you'd be happy to get the ball rolling with that.

@ChocChipOwl thanks. This is what I need. As mentioned am planning on moving away, so he wouldn't be able to see her in the week! He's making a big song and dance about it, but he only sees her in the week when he wants to come round. You're right I need to put on my big girl pants and sort this out. Just the talking to I needed. When he first walked out my head was all over the place and I didn't put an arrangement down because I was scared I would agree to something I would later regret, but now is a good time. I was think Fri- Sunday every other weekend. And seven full days every quarter. Share public holidays etc.

@QPR1986 it was a long time ago for me but I recall it like yesterday.

And the little things. When in my home, he once knocked over a cup of tea - that of course he'd helped himself to - and I didn't spot it for three days because it was at the side of a sofa where he'd been playing with our son. Another time he looked at messages on my iPad that he'd borrowed to play a game with my son. Hed bring in things like silly string and streaming poppers as my son liked them ... see what I mean? An invasion really and awful.

I eventually HAD to put a stop to this and it wasn't easy but once it's done, and he knows you mean business, it's done.

Iron this stuff out now so boundaries are firmly in place. You deserve the right to a peaceful home and mind and I wish you luck

Op, every other weekend is not skit for your daughter if she’s used to seeing him every weekend and throughout it the week. It might work better for you but quite unfair on your daughter to limit her established relationship to that extent. Your daughter loves him regardless of how crap he is.

have you thought about every other weekend and one/2 days in The week so she never had to go more than a few days without seeing him?

*not alot.