What do I tell son when he's older?

[appletango3]

Hey everyone

My ex was abusive during my pregnancy. I gave him a chance when our son was born and he didn't change so I ended up throwing him out when baby was 3 months old. He's now almost 7 months.

Since leaving he has only seen him twice, always made excuses and has never contributed financially. He is living with someone new who is also pregnant but has 2 children from a previous relationships which have been taken away from her and are in care. He has been taking drugs and using steroids and just seems to have gone off the rails. He threatened me with court a few times although I think he knows he wouldn't have a leg to stand on the way he is living his life.

I've always tried to let him stay in contact with our son so they have a relationship, although I have said for the time being unless he changes his ways it would be supervised.

I know it's a long way off but what do I tell my son when he starts asking questions? I don't want him to end up resenting me as my ex tells anyone who will listen that I'm keeping his son from him without telling them the full picture. I've kept all evidence of all communication since he left in case I need it at court, but I don't know what I would say to my son when he gets older, I don't want it damaging him or him to resent me in any way as I'm protecting him. I equally don't want to have to bad mouth his dad to him, despite him being a useless ***

Thanks x

I don't think you can know what your going to say. it will depend on so many things, eg his age, how his father turns out etc etc etc. You just have to come from a position of age appropriate honesty.
My children don't see their father for the same reasons. We have how ever been to court and have a "no contact order" in place. I have been forced to say more than I wanted due to him looking for us. I needed to tell them more to keep them safe. They are also older and remember him. I have some standard lines I use with the kids, they had certainly helped. It has also reduced my own anxiety and fear about saying the wrong things to them.
The very very best thing you can do for your child is to be a strong, independent roll model. My children have a very loving and fulfilled life. Yes things have been hard for them and the situation is rubbish but I won't let it define them.

I have similar but dh didn't leave until the kids were older so they remember him. I told them things in an age appropriate way (I hope anyways). I made it clear that I would always be there for them and that we are a team who look after each other. My oldest is 7 and I have told her that sometimes daddy makes dangerous choices and I needed to make sure she was safe and when daddy is making safe choices we can see him. Tbf she's been happy with that answer but I'm sure a time will come when she will ask more and I'll try and give her a bit more information as she needs.

When she is angry with him I try to take the sting out by saying things like yes but without him I would have my wonderful children (which again they seem happy with)

It's very hard because I feel so much guilt and want to protect them but I also think they have a right to know the real situation as much as possible so it's not a shock when they are teenagers, or that they don't get into a dangerous situation or heartbreak because they didn't know.