Hi Pingu.
I read some of your other threads.
Considering what you have been through, you are doing amazingly well. You are so strong. It's taken me three years to get to the point where you are after six months.
As others have implied, this is going to be a 'cold war' - it's just the beginning and you have years ahead. Hopefully, things will settle down in time but it's best to plan for the worst and then you will be prepared.
It is reasonable for you to ask him to have your dd mid-week as well as one day at the weekend. Surely he was the one who was making out that he wanted to be fully involved; the one who wants to tell YOU how to parent her (even though he broke up the home)? If this is so, he is now contradicting himself by complaining about an opportunity to see her more often. As you say, he takes your dd to his gf at the weekends so is hardly giving dd his full attention then.
As you have guessed, he is only trying to make you feel bad because he can't stand the fact that you haven't fallen apart after he left and that you are getting on with your life: work, social life and being a good mother. He wants you weak and isolated and dependent (and preferably depressed and feeling sad and guilty and in the wrong!) so that he knows he has power over you and can make you do what he wants. And he wants to appear to be the engaged, concerned, responsible parent while actually having the life of a care-free singleton (and making out that you are neglecting dd!).
Stuff him! (or stronger words to that effect)
You have behaved and are behaving reasonably. It is good for you to be at work and will benefit your dd over time. He chose to leave so he is in no position to tell you what to do and he shouldn't be surprised if you try to make an independent life for yourself.
I expect he is acting instinctively but it is all about control. Hence the passive-aggressive behaviour. (Maybe things aren't going so well with the gf?!) You are well rid of him.
I would explain to him that you offered him the extra evening in the week because you thought he would welcome more time with his daughter. If he doesn't want to see dd more that is a shame but you understand if he feels he has to prioritise his leisure time and the gf over his dd (!)(and you and dd will manage fine. Pretend you don't care.)
I wouldn't mention anything about it giving you time to catch up on things so that, when she is with you, you can give her your undivided attention. This may be true and perfectly reasonable but he won't want to help you and will make out that you are struggling and use it against you.
It is possible that he would like to have dd living with him or shared residency - who knows - but, either way, it is best not to give him any ammunition. You may decide that you would prefer shared residency but it will only happen if he thinks it is his idea and mentions it first.
It is tough having to be responsible for a child 24/7. My dd's father is absent and I have no family nearby so I rarely get a break. But, it has its advantages.
You want your ex to see his dd but, if he chooses not to, he can't complain if he gets less of a say in things. The less he can interfere, the more freedom you have to do things your way. It is his choice but he can't have it both ways. If he agrees to have her mid-week, you get a break. If he refuses, then you throw it back in his face next time he tries to interfere.
At the moment (possibly indefinitely), he will not want to do anything that helps you. You could try reverse psychology? Might be too late for this one but you could try on another issue?
Long term, if you do need more support, you have the option of moving back to where your parents are. But you may not want to do this and he will say you have taken her away from him. Otherwise, it is important to develop a network of friends who can and will help you out if you need a break or have to get some paperwork done - other parents, childminders, neighbours, friends, flexible nurseries, holiday clubs, baby sitters.
Yes, he should help you more with dd rather than play-acting at being a father. Sadly, you can't make him. Nobody can. He has shown a lot of interest so far in dd (particularly in front of his gf and his family) because it helped him to try and hide the fact that he ran away from being a real father. His interest in her may wane over time, sadly. No doubt he will blame you for this if it happens...
He wants to have his cake and eat it. He will probably get away with it most of the time but you would want to make sure he doesn't also get away with making out it was your choice/fault.
I know how difficult and perverse it feels to be petty and macchiavellian and passive-aggressive, when your nature is to be honest and straightforward, but, sometimes, the only thing you can do is to fight like with like. You have to try and keep the enemy confused!