My children's father hardly helps out now we separated

lucy136 · 2023-01-08T13:19:15+00:00

Hello everyone, Just looking for a bit of advice, my ex and I separated back in October. It was my decision and he moved out of the family home on request. We have two children ages 5 and 1. Since the separation my ex partner refuses to take the children on his own and will only see them if he's invited for dinner and I have to be there. We've done a few outings since with the children but yet again I have to be there. I'm starting to feel extremely burnt out, especially on the weekends when I'm alone with both kids and he is able to go off and do what he likes. Whenever I address the situation with him and say that I need the help he either tells me I chose to be a single mum so can't complain or tells me he isn't ready to have them alone as he is struggling with the break up. I'm getting to my wits end here. What can I do?

RandomMess · 08/01/2023 13:22

Refuse to have him in your own so he either collects the DC or doesn't see them.

You mean he isn't parenting his DC, his role isn't to "help".

Ensure you claim CMS that he has them zero nights.

If you need a break you will have to use paid childcare or your family.

NerrSnerr · 08/01/2023 13:22

Stop the dinners and days out as that's giving him the option of not doing it. He either has the children on a proper schedule or not at all.

Is he paying proper maintenance? If not go through the CMS

Reugny · 08/01/2023 13:28

Why are you inviting him to dinners and days out with you when you aren't in a relationship with him? Do you want to screw up your children emotionally? Do you want to destroy how they view functioning relationships?

You may not realise you are not only destroying your own mental health but damaging your children.

If he won't parent your joint children on his own then stop contacting and stop communicating with him. Ignore this man baby. Use family and make friends with people who can help you to even get 30 minutes rest.

euff · 08/01/2023 13:29

You have to cook for him and have him in your home for him to want to see his children or go out with him? You are better off doing it solo 24/7 even if you are exhausted. He can only be making you feel mentally and physically worse surely? Do you have anyone who can help you a little even if a mum friend you can reciprocate favours with? Do you or he have parents who are interested in the children and you'd be happy to be involved?

SpinningFloppa · 09/01/2023 22:21

Stop allowing it but just be prepared he might not see them at all then, my ex stopped seeing the children for 2 years as I wouldn’t allow him in my house anymore

Circe7 · 09/01/2023 23:58

I don’t necessarily agree that it’s screwing your children up emotionally to invite your ex to dinner provided you can be civil. Of course you’re not obliged to and it’s probably hard on you emotionally and you might need more boundaries with your ex than you have. But I’d think that your approach is a lot better from the children’s perspective than dropping very young children at the end of the other parent’s drive without a word or similar. From what I’ve read about co- parenting babies and toddlers the ideal is for parents to spend some time with the child together or at the very least to have a detailed face to face hand over.

I have similar issues to you with my ex but we can go out together with the children and be civil. It’s useful for things like swimming where I can’t manage a baby and toddler alone. And he comes round to see the baby who can’t really leave me at the moment.

I’d also like him to have more consistent contact with them on his own (he will take the older one out alone for short periods) but my priority is that he has some contact and if that means me being there and arranging it I’m willing to do that for now. My ex isn’t a great dad in that he is unreliable and selfish but he does love the children and is good with them when he shows up. I think completely losing their dad would be very damaging and is more likely if I don’t facilitate contact. I’ve had to get past my resentment and the unfairness of it to take that stance and I may well change my mind in future if it doesn’t improve.

I’ve also learnt than I can’t control my ex’s behaviour and that he is very unlikely to do what I ask him to - I can’t make him have contact on my terms - so I’m trying just to focus on what I can control. I suspect you might be in a position where the more you ask him about having them the more he digs his heels in about it.

Just a different take on it.

Chantelle302412 · 10/01/2023 00:09

Reugny · 08/01/2023 13:28

Why are you inviting him to dinners and days out with you when you aren't in a relationship with him? Do you want to screw up your children emotionally? Do you want to destroy how they view functioning relationships?

You may not realise you are not only destroying your own mental health but damaging your children.

If he won't parent your joint children on his own then stop contacting and stop communicating with him. Ignore this man baby. Use family and make friends with people who can help you to even get 30 minutes rest.

@Reugny have you ever heard of co parenting.

my partner who is a pain in the arse to me but non the less co parents extremely well with his ex and their 9 year old. They have fall outs every now and then over something or another and then it’s dropped but that child is not damaged knows what is what and knows he has both parents there no matter what. Christmas mornings birthdays days out meals out with the 5 of us.

It irritates me sometimes just how good it is cause I feel left out in the cold every now and then but it isn’t about me it’s about the children. His ex is wonderful with my daughter and treats her like she would a friends baby. So grow up with this concept it’s ignorant and untrue it doesn’t damage children if done properly.

Reugny · 10/01/2023 00:14

The OP's ex isn't co-parenting.

The relationship is one where she does all the work.

Most children of separated parents aren't stupid and can work out which adults around them do the relationship work.

Original poster

lucy136 · 10/01/2023 03:04

Reugny · 08/01/2023 13:28

Why are you inviting him to dinners and days out with you when you aren't in a relationship with him? Do you want to screw up your children emotionally? Do you want to destroy how they view functioning relationships?

You may not realise you are not only destroying your own mental health but damaging your children.

If he won't parent your joint children on his own then stop contacting and stop communicating with him. Ignore this man baby. Use family and make friends with people who can help you to even get 30 minutes rest.

Although I agree with the man baby comment. Seeing their father in their own home is not emotionally damaging for them, it's purely just a pain in the bum to me as it leaves me with no free time to myself.

As someone who grew up without their father due to a court order, I can confirm to you that growing up without your dad from 5 years old is a lot more damaging than seeing your mum do most of the work and that is why for now, I allow this.

OP posts:

BensonStabler · 10/01/2023 03:39

Remind him you chose to be separated, and so you may both be single, but that does not make you a single parent! although he’s trying to make you have to cope like you are… he’s trying to make it harder for you as a punishment, it’s manipulative, petty and immature. He needs to grow up and agree to co-parent properly for the sake of your children. Remind him it’s the Children (and him) that miss out, and if he doesn’t soon pull his weight with his own children, then he risks losing them all together. Be as tough as you can to lay the ground rules for going forward. Hopefully if he loves them and ultimately cares more about their well being than scoring points off of you, he will come around soon enough. I hope you have others to lean on for practical help in the meantime to get your rest time.

RandomMess · 10/01/2023 09:54

He's using seeing the DC in your home to control you and stop you having a life and not bothering to parent them.

He could take them out to McDonald's for tea and Disney Dad there in his own expense and you would hopefully get an hours break.

sparkiesparkle · 28/01/2023 00:18

Put a stop to it.
I've had this rubbish for a decade and I'm at breaking point now.

GoldilockMom · 28/01/2023 00:22

You need to take control and tell him he’s having the children for 3 hours every Saturday afternoon.

At the moment you are allowing yourself to be treated badly.

He has to step up and be a parent - you learnt how to do it - so can he!

Fraaahnces · 28/01/2023 00:24

I think that seeing you cooking etc is giving the kids a very confusing message. Perhaps not seeing him at all may not be as difficult as you think. If he has to pay full CMS, he may suddenly get all fatherly.

Starlightstarbright1 · 28/01/2023 22:24

I have the opposite theory.

He is punishing you. He has no interest in the kids and will either step up or drop out.

He does this so you have no alone time.

You are welcome to take the children out is not stopping him seeing his children..

My personal opinion is if he is going to drop out of there lives then the earlier they are more able to understand its not about them.

My Ds last saw his Dad when he was 3. Now 15 has mostly worked through his emotions. Rather earlier than teenage years.