I am at a breaking point

[motheru]

Hello, I wonder if anyone can help with an advise.
I have split up with my long term partner 2 months ago as I found out he was stealing money from me. I am glad I did it as I cannot be with someone I cannot trust. We have 3 children together: 6, 4.5 and 1 year old who live with me. He moved back with his mom in a different city.
The way we agreed things would work once we had kids is that one of us would look after them while another will be making money and since I was in a better position to make more cash I was the one running around while he would be with kids. Doesn't mean I didn't share any parental chores, making meals, cleaning, washing but naturally he did more.
Now that he is not here everything is on me. The little one is very demanding and is on me no matter what I do: cook, clean etc. he was like that before but at least my partner could take over while I was making meals or cleaning. Everything taking me 3 times longer to do and the house is no longer clean, I struggle to even find time to wash myself as when I leave the room little one starts crying. I am feeling like I am spiralling down, I barely smile anymore, I shout at kids, anything little sparks me off. I think I need some help but I don't even know where to go and who to ask and what to ask for. My family is in another country. I am worried about my mental health as I don't want that to reflect on my children. Can anyone advice as to where I can turn please?!

Does he ever take the kids?

We separated 2 months ago and he found a new job about a month back. He pays his mother rent money to stay there and said will start paying me in January a parental support. He wanted to come for Christmas but I said I do not trust him staying in my house and he is welcome to find an accommodation in the city if he wants to come over, would have cost him £55 but he said he wouldn't be able to afford it with Christmas gifts etc and not being paid till certain date. So for now he hasn't taken them back with him and he wasn't able to come here and take them as everything costs money and at the moment he cannot afford it... hopefully that will change once he is permanent at his job from January

If you are no longer paying to feed and house your thieving ex, use the spare cash for a cleaner once a week, 3 hours if you can afford it.

Bring the little one into the bathroom to play on the floor while you wash.

Meals: keep it v simple. The kids will be getting hot food at school at nursery so you can easy dinners. Pasta and a simple sauce. Microwave potatoes and baked beans and cheese. Sausage casserole in the slow cooker, make double so you have a second batch for warming up another day. For prep, get up 30 mins earlier to prep the food or do it after the kids are in bed night before, so in the morning you can just chuck the food in.

Pursue your ex via CSA so the minute he has an income you get your share for the kids. If he’s living rent free with his mum and dad ask for share of his UC.

has he really just walked away from 3 kids he was caring for full time? I can’t imagine what kind of person would be so callous, the kids must miss him terribly.

He hasn't walked away. I asked him to leave. It's not first time i discovered he stole from me. First time I given him second chance for the sake of our family, but I told him there won't be another chance and yet he stole from me again so I asked him to go, as I couldn't see myself living with someone like that. I told him if he wants to see the children I won't stand in the way but he needs to find a job (he not worked for 7 years since he moved in with me) and start paying me a parental support. I know given chance he would come back in a heartbeat but I am out of handing out chances. Even for kids sake, I know I will be looking over my shoulder constantly living with a liar and a thief even if he could make my every day life easier by looking after kids. So now I am trying to sort my life out and be happy me I used to be but I am finding it hard as I am overwhelmed with things at home and find myself so stressed every day.
I feel guilty I cannot cook kids good healthy meals like I used to. When girls at school and little one falls asleep I rush to make lunch and dinner at the same time before he awakes as I know otherwise I will have to do it with him crying on the floor or having a back pain while he is sitting on me... and it's not safe... I feel guilty that if I don't manage to make dinner I have to do it when girls back from school and in that way I cannot spend time with them reading books they were given at school.... I feel I am out of time and energy every day :( to the point I am worried I am going to mentally break...

Hi sorry you are going through a tough time.

I am confused though - you state in your original post that you both agreed he would be a stay at home parent whilst you worked. You then say in a blaming way he hasn't worked for 7 years - but surely that's what you agreed in your arrangement so not sure why that makes him a bad person?
Secondly if you were earning the money whilst he had all the childcare responsibilities did he also have access fully to the family money? Or did you control the finances and he had no access? If that is the case then he hasn't been stealing - he has been using family money? I could be completely wrong but you have not really explained what this alleged theft is? If my presumption is correct and the genders were reversed people would be shouting financial abuse.....

A woman at breaking pint doing everything and a man who sees the end of his marriage as the end of his obligations to his children. But, yet again, we can rely on some FathersforJustice-type to jump in and try to suggest that the women
is at fault. Yawn

OP- hang on in there and
outsource as much as you can afford right now (cleaner, laundry, school drop-offs/pick-ups, healthy-ish ready meals). It DOES get easier. I know, I’ve lived it. And I never stop feeling relief that I’m no longer with a selfish, dishonest arsehole.

Cue FathersforJustice types claiming that a women who does everything is controlling but a dad who abandons his kids is just fine

I don't this there is an excuse for him and the family money I was making was all going away on bills and food: we had one persons salary and 5 of us in the house. We never agreed what I would make be a family money he is allowed to take without asking. I took care of everything including some of his bills, put some money aside for holidays when I could and paid for absolutely everything. Never got a gift from him as I understood it's not something he is in position to afford. I carried heavy bags on my back for work, I cried when there was not enough money. And what does he do? He quietly takes my card and takes money from it to buy alcohol and drugs and when I gave him another chance but told him if he ever done it again we are finished and there won't be another chance. And he done it again. Stole cash, I kept asking him if he seen the money and he lied again and again to my face. So I got a hidden camera on Amazon and guess what?! He had money on him all this time and I went though the entire house looking for it but I got him on camera red handed with the cash :(
Now he tells me he wants me to understand he wasn't taking me for an idiot and that he didn't do it on purpose he was just going though hard time.
Yes it wasn't easy, fist time he did it he said the reason was I was leaving him with HIS child for hours on end who was constantly crying (which is true as little one would quiet down with me only). But I wasn't leaving to go and have a coffee and cake was I?! I was making money! Second time around he did it, his grandma passed away and they were very close so he as he said both times suppressed his feelings and emotions as that's what men do and when I wasn't around he would pass out from drinking and smoking weed he got with the money he stole from me.... when all this time I was there and he could have spoken to me.... I am sorry he had hard time especially second time around but it's no excuse to treat your partner that way, to lie and steal from them :(

2 months is such a short time to have such a massive change. It could just be that you need to get into the swing of a new routine, or get used to doing things a different way.

If it's the little one mostly, depending on if just 1 or closer to 2, but letting them "help" can be helpful. So they'll have a bowl of water and some carrots or something, and that's their job- wash the carrots for dinner. Or press a button on the washing machine. I mean, nothing they do will actually help whatever chore you're doing, but keeps them occupied so you can do something.

Can you find a sure start near to you? They help parents who are struggling with children under 5. You will need to accept lower standards of tidiness and cleanliness around the house until children in school. Just go easy on yourself. You could not trust partner so at least now you don't have to worry about someone stealing from you. Once ex partner sends money use some to pay for help. A cleaner a couple of hours a week. A babysitter for a couple of hours so you get a short break from baby.

Could you find and pay a local teen to take baby for a walk in pushchair once a week while you batch cook spag bol and portion up for freezer?