How much contact with co-parent?

[seven1421]

Hi,

I have been separated from my ex-husband for 2 years. He has a history of controlling behaviour and I feel like our communication is a little too much throughout the day and I wondered if anyone had any thoughts please?

I currently get a good morning text from him and I have to let him know how we all slept and what time the children woke up.
I then have to text to say they went into school ok at 9am.
I then get a text at 3pm asking how they got on at school.
The children have a call with him every evening at 7pm and then i am expected to text at bedtime to say that they went to bed (they always go at 8pm and I would message if there are any issues).

He sees the children one evening a week for a few hours and they stay over one evening at the weekend (this is an arrangement we are both happy with as he moved away and lives about 50 minutes from school). He has them overnight midweek in the school holidays.

I have tried ignoring but I just get the same texts everyday. If I do things to upset him i'm punished in some way (he has narcissistic traits) So I am really struggling with it. When he has the children I always just step back and he messages me when he sees fit and trust that the children are safe with him.

I did give the children a mobile phone for contact with their dad, but they got bored of the same questions all the time, so it hasn't really worked.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

Thanks.

None of that is reasonable. He’s asking for way too much and using it as a way to control you. You bought the kids a mobile and they got bored of the questions. You’re allowed to be fed up with it too.

I’d put a stop to it now. What does he do to “punish” you?

Thank you I'm glad you agree. To be honest he makes me feel like I am the unreasonable one so I don't even know what is acceptable anymore.

He does all sorts - he does things that knows will put me on edge and upset me (I have anxiety and he will make important decisions without me and then tell me after the event). For example - when my children met his partner we always said that we would discuss it together beforehand, but I actually found out my children had met her 30 minutes before they were due home via text message.

He also knows I wanted to take them abroad this year and they wanted to go for the first time with me. He's now booking one with his family before I can go x

Dear god, just no.
He is not the puppet master and he does not get this amount of control over your life.
I'd text my xh if DD was very ill/in an accident/hospital but that's about it. How I run my home, routines and general life is none of his business. You are going to have to be incredibly firm and consistent, but do not let him dictate to you like this, it's absolutely not acceptable.

Thank you. I just feel like I can't escape him and it's a nightmare. He's got very nasty over Xmas as my youngest met me new partner (he'a been with his for 2 years and lives with her). He's now insisting I get a police check done on him.

We've never had a legal agreement so maybe that would help us to make things more rigid. He never tells me when he's going to drop the children off either and it always changes so I can't plan things. Sorry to vent lol x

That is unacceptable.

I would stop stepping back when he has them and text him on a similar schedule.

Wayyyyy to much! I am a family mediator, I would view that as a controlling partner wanting to continue control. Are your kids old enough to manage a call themselves? You say you have them a phone so I am guessing so. I would offer two phone calls/face time calls after school a week on days they don’t see their dad, letting him call them on “their” number when he wants puts too much responsibility on them if they don’t want to answer so set days and times. The level of texts he is sending/expecting is totally unreasonable and intrusive. Tell him to take you to court if he wants more but if he continues to contact you multiple times a day you will view it as harassment. From now on if he texts I would reply with “please do contact me outside of agreed times” and keep a record for evidence.

But you have escaped him, you now just need to cut the last ties. You aren't together, he cannot order you about like this. With my xh his behaviour got worse the more I pushed back against him until finally he just stopped, because it was clear I wasn't going to cave in.

Absolutely unreasonable

Each time he messages direct him to message the kids on their phone

rinse and repeat

if the kids don’t reply oh that’s too bad

This is insane and his expectations are far too high. Monday to Friday, when my kids are with me I have no contact with their Dad at all. We live our lives and do as we do and he’s none the wiser. I will of course get in touch in an emergency but there’s a good chance he wouldn’t answer the phone anyway. 🙄
I don’t know how old your kids are but mine both have their own phones and I’d expect him to contact them directly, but 99% of the time they have no contact during the week either. We’re busy and both of my kids are very out of sight out of mind with regards to him.
He was also livid when I met someone else, it’s been 3 years and he still won’t have his name mentioned.

That's ridiculous. You are not there to answer his questions.

I text my ex if there is an issue or if I need to vary arrangements. There is nothing else to say. We have standard access times so no need to keep communicating those.

I think you need to leave longer and longer gaps before responding, wean your ex off immediate responses. You aren't at his beck and call.

Stop giving him ammunition to use to upset you as well. If he doesn't know that taking the kids abroad matters to you, then he can't use that to his advantage. I would suggest that communication reduces to an absolute minimum, arranging where the kids are going and when. And look into getting pick up and drop off times set out in a legal agreement. At the moment he's still controlling a lot of your life. But you do have the power to step back now.

Also, how old are your kids? There is going to come a time when they vote with their feet, they're not going to want to be tied to a phone call every single day with their father. If you can show them that it's ok to take a step back for you, they might feel a bit empowered to make their own choices too.

Gosh, sounds very controlling. You're separated from him so don't owe him any contact apart from essential/emergency updates. But if he's prone to narc tendencies, you're going to have to be firm and really dig your heels in on this!

I'd suggest a simple/polite text/email that says something like 'with all my various commitments, I no longer have time to provide updates on the children 3-4 times a day. I will of course always contact you if there is anything urgent or essential but if you don't hear from me, please assume the children are happy and healthy. If you would like updates on their day, please text or call them directly. I'll be in touch XYZ to arrange XYZ'.

And then stick to your guns! Don't reply to any non-essential messages. You can probably expect fireworks at first but if you can, grey rock until it stops. Good luck.

How old are the kids?

Way too much. To reduce the backlash Can you start by reducing as oppose to
Stopping. He's saying concern but sounds more like control if not if you then of them. Even FaceTime every evening is OTT.

Maybe not do the get up text but still do the had a good morning everyone gone into school happy. If he kicks off grey rock. 'Mornings are busy, If there are ever issues such as illness I'll always let you know. Everyone gone in happy'. And repeat. He may call between 730-830 pretending he is seriously concerned. Ignore. Or answer and be breezy. But don't get drawn in. 'Worried-no everything's fine. Just hectic. Got to dash or we will be late. See you later'

If he has spoken to them at bedtime he doesn't need a follow up text. One or the other. You are not his PA. If he texts. Wait 10 mins or as long as you feel able. 'Yep all fine'.

You need to be way more assertive. If he won't tell you when he is coming back decide for him. 'I didnt get a reply about return times. Just to let you know I will be out until 4'. And then go out and don't come back until 4.

Right now he know you will hover around waiting. Yes he will be sick and bring them back at 3 and have them crying in the street saying I don't know where mummy is. But that's on him. 'Silly daddy I said I would be out till 4'.

If he wants a police check done on your partner let him get one. Don't facilitate it or comment. 'Please go ahead if that is what you feel you need to do'.

You can't make requests or negotiate so make statements and stick to them. Don't get drawn into discussions. Don't be chatty or playful or send photos. He is not your friend.

He sounds really controlling. My ex amd me only speak if we need to but can be civil. We havr agreed pickip and drop off times although it is age dependent on kids as mines are 10 and 6 so quite self sufficient.

My friend sounds like you abit. Her ex had keys to her flat and would let himself in to put kids to bed etc. Was just another way to control his ex wife. Thankfully she has stopped that now and it is door drop offs.

You should try find the strengths to cut it and just occasional civil messages when needed. Pickup drop off times etc so no need for all that contact. Will be empowering for you and make him realise he has no control now x

Thank you so much for your response - it's comforting to know that you agree that it is too much. He is also insisting that l get a Sarah's law check on my new partner - as a mediator would you say this is a reasonable request? We've been together for 6 months and I've had no concerns x

Thank you so much for replying. They are 6&8 x

Again I would view the “Sarah’s law” check on your partner just another attempt at control. I am in Aus now (UK legally trained) so don’t know how far the coercive control laws have got in the UK but I would really be documenting everything with a view to having evidence of continuing controlling behaviour. Seriously though tell him to take you to court if he is not happy, he sounds like your average bully so call his bluff. I usually advise people to tell their partners that “having taken advice” you will be logging all contact, screenshooting all texts, recording all phone calls from now on “just in case you need then”. Good luck.

Getting you to do a Sarah’s law/Clare’s law check is pretty pointless. If there is an issue the police would tell you and you would be required to sign a non disclosure agreement. Basically you can’t do a check and then report back to him. The police would talk to him themselves if they deemed it necessary, whoever made the initial request.
He could ask for a Clare’s law check himself if he has enough basic info on your partner for the police to be able to identify him. If there’s anything concerning the police will inform whoever they feel needs to know (so definitely you. Possibly him but possibly not if your reaction to learning about the issue was to leave the partner).

Thank you so much for your help with this. I really appreciate it. Yes I have been logging things for a few years now. I'm currently attempting to keep him at arms length with regards to communication so that's helping. It just all gets very tiring.

I want to protect my children but I just feel that it's excessive. If every woman had to do it for every new partner the police would be swamped with requests. He just makes me feel like I'm being irresponsible if I refuse. Thanks again x

Thank you so much. Yes I agree regarding the non-disclosure etc. so I would be breaking the law if I told him the results.

I do want to protect my children and it's still early days. He has met one of my children, but it won't be a regular thing just yet as I'm happy keeping things relatively separate for the time being. Thanks again x