11.5 years of solitude

[Toastandmarmite999]

To cut a long story short, I 'went solo' when my girl was 14 months.
I moved from London to the countryside to give her the best I could.
However whilst doing so, I parked my own identity, hopes, dreams, friends and threw myself into parenting head first.

I have really struggled to make friends 'in the countryside' - and have been isolated for years now. I can't actually remember the last time I went out. I used to love going out.

The reason I'm writing, is that as my DD is getting older, she is becoming pretty lippy and aggressive towards me - normal behaviour for a pre-teen I guess.

But what I'm fearing is resentment on my part - the 'I sacrificed everything for you' line is never far away from my lips these days.
I feel like I'm about to explode.
I work from home. I log on. I log off. I used to be able to have a laugh with my girl, but now it's just slammed doors and ever further isolation.
I'm not superhuman. I feel like I'm about to snap...after all these years of successfully tolerating my flatlined existence.

I honestly can't see a way out.
The usual 'get yourself to some evening classes' etc just doesn't appeal.
I refuse to take anti-depressants, because that isn't going to change the fact that I don't see what I have to look forward to anymore.
I'm now 52 (she was 40 when I was born). All I see in the mirror is a lonely, non-descript 50 something who doesn't want to be a mum anymore, but doesn't know what she would do if she wasn't.

I have no interest in anything anymore.
I just want to sleep.

Thanks for listening.

Hi OP,

I hear you about the pre-teen behaviour and the resentment that can rear it’s head when faced with this behaviour in conjunction with sacrificing so much of yourself. However, as someone now with an older teen, this stage seems to be fairly short-lived as most teens do tend to find their way and eventually return to their old selves. Hang on in regards to this stage as I know it is really tough.

It does sound as though depression has crept into your life because of the sacrifices you have made and solitude, as you talk about how you used to like going out (but it now doesn’t appeal) and that you used to have hopes and dreams (but now you just want to sleep).

Depression can be reduced if we seek pleasure in our lives. What did you used to love or have a passion for in the past (and I I am not talking about joining a night classe if this doesn’t appeal)? This can be as small a thing as watching a show you enjoy or indulging your senses in applying some nice body lotion mindfully before moving on to bigger things like a holiday or incorporating some exercise into your life. These activities might not appeal, but there might be something small that you could start with that might slightly increase your happiness levels irrespective of how things are going with your DD.

The way you describe your work sounds as though it has become tedious for you. Is there any options to make your employment more social rather than WFH? Or are there any other employment opportunities or volunteering opportunities that would provide a chance for more interactions with others? I understand that this may be more challenging due to your location.

Finally, I think that it would really be of benefit to speak to a counsellor. If we are stuck in a negative or depressive outlook, the insight of another person can help us reframe our situation and move forward.

All the best to you.

@PurpleSneakers thanks so much for taking the time to respond - it's reassuring to hear from someone who's survived the pre-teen phase and to hear that it's relatively short-lived.

Unfortunately, the hobbies I had were in the performing arts and I now feel my ship has sailed...

Work-wise, I do have the option to commute twice a week to work, but my colleagues are twenty years my junior and I actually just want to hide. All of my confidence has gone.

I just feel my life has completely passed me by and I guess there's no advice that can change this - it's just good to have a moan and get it out there.

I’d suggest therapy. You can’t be resenting your child for decisions you made. Or not wanting to be a parent because it’s hit a slightly rough patch.

i say this as someone 7 years into totally lone parenting 3 children, two teens, one primary.

@popupmoon - thanks for your reply.
I'd love therapy and clearly need it, but have looked into it and right now, it's unaffordable.

That sounds so hard OP. I think you have done an amazing job raising your DD alone. My DD is 6 and I'm a LP but have a new partner (living apart). Would you consider dating? Could you start something online that is a hobby? I think you're doing well to recognize feeling resentful towards your DD. Kids don't 'ask to be born' nor do they realize the sacrifices their parents make till they are much older, generally. I would be great to find a way to reconnect with your DD as well. Can you take up a joint activity perhaps?

Sorry if none of this is helpful but you deserve happiness ♥️.

Also have you seen the FROLO app/forum for single parents? It's quite good for meetups and stuff.

I get that teens are super difficult but your last line made me wonder, have you had your hormone and specifically thyroid levels checked lately?
If evening hobbies or classes don't appeal, does proper formal education, how about back to college part time?

@WorrieaboutFIL - thank you ❤
A joint activity is a good idea, although I'm not sure she'd agree!

I've thought about dating yes, but it's a minefield and I don't have the energy or confidence to even go there - I'm glad you've found someone, I can imagine it makes the world of difference to have someone rooting for you.

Thanks,@Toastandmarmite999 my DP is also divorced with kids so he understands the challenges. It really helps, I was so lonely beforehand.

@Orders76 - yes - I had a range of non-conclusive blood tests recently following a bout of chronic fatigue. Im on HRT.

I completed a Masters a couple of years ago and am currently studying a Science GCSE in order to try for teacher traning....at the grand old age of 52...

Hi OP, sorry you feel this way. You mention commuting but your colleagues are 20 years younger. I am making a career change because I am also sick of having given everything up for my kids. My colleagues are also all 20+ years younger than me, but I make the commute once a week and have been surprised to find it really brightens up my life (it's a long way so every day would be hellish). Could you combine the commute with getting back into one of your performing arts hobbies?

I went to college, then to Uni to do a STEM degree (started all this when my youngest was 1) - because I wanted to do it for me, and because it would massively increase my earnings therefore giving my kids a better life, not because I was sick of sacrificing for my kids.

In general, women have to sacrifice because their husbands are arseholes who think they are supreme, and that resentment somehow gets transferred to their children. Or because their ex’s are totally absent (like mine), which also kneecaps what we can and cannot do.

You need to change the narrative. The language we use to describe things affects how we relate to the past, present and future.

Men are the reason we sacrifice. Either by their absence, or because they think they’re more important than us. It really is fuck all to do with our decision as women to have children.

Age isnt what you think mostly. I had my first at 20, became friends with so many women of all ages who had kids. I felt so pathetic at first but soon realised there was no judgement and gained friends over 20 years older than me.

OP, I am nearly 70 and still find life interesting. My friend is 91 and loves life.
As for situation, have you thought of moving back to the city?. In my experience most teens hate living in the country

That's cool, and at least all the basic health issues are ruled out.

I think I could easily end up where you are in a decade. There’s no real option but to put everything into your children when they’re young as a single parent. I’m sure your daughter will come back to you in time.

The career change might make a huge difference to you. It would ultimately give you a job you can throw yourself into with colleagues etc. who you will see in person and maybe an identity and sense of purpose outside of your daughter though I’m sure it will also be hard work.

I’d second seriously considering a move to a town / city. It might be a good thing for your daughter and give her independence anyway. I love living in the country but will probably move when mine are teens.

From one toast to another, just wanted to let you know that I understand. I'm in a similar situation and it's shit. We're about the same age. I can't make friends or date or do activities, classes etc as the ex has moved to a 16 hour round trip away and doesn't want to do childcare even once a month. Never paid maintenance. What were once my peers are now professors and travelling the world and my career (while I've slogged at it) is just stuck at quite a low level where I do the grunt work.

Busy at work and lack of time and money and motivation means house and I have just become so shabby that it's embarrassing.

I’m 16 years into lone parenting. I hear you. It’s awful.

My now 18 year old has just moved into his fathers as he can do what he likes there and apparently I am a nag. I covered about 95% of school runs, school holidays/sickness/activities/play dates at the detriment to my career. Constant laundry & cooking. ‘Holidays’ that left me more shattered. All without any child support thanks to the useless system that enabled the self employed parent to dodge payment. Ive juggled work and lost most of my friendships along the way as I’ve simply not had the time nor the energy, headspace or childcare to maintain friendships or attempt to date.

I now have plenty of time but am seriously depressed despite therapy and antidepressants and it boils down to the fact I’m lonely and exhausted and don’t know who I am anymore. I feel bitter.

Hey. I absolutely hear you, I've felt so many of the things you've mentioned over the years. My daughter and I went through an awful time of clashing around the age 11 mark. It was really awful, I thought the relationship we'd had was ruined. I'm happy to report she's just turned 13 and we rarely butt heads at the moment (she still has a sharp tongue and attitude). Calm has resumed (as much as it can with three kids in the house)
As a fellow single mum, I feel your angst. I lost all confidence, didn't have an identity outside of being a mum. Felt completely at a loss and lacked energy, and still do from time to time.
The thing that has changed things for me dramatically is mindfulness and conscious breathing/breathwork. It's totally resets all the systems, gives the body, mind and soul a boost, is easily done from home anytime, boost creativity and enthusiasm while relaxing and grounding you. Sounds so simple yet it's magical in the effects. I'm finding I have more confidence, creativity and energy to put in to rediscovering myself outside of being a mum. Also getting outside and immersing myself in nature gives me a sense of calm and wellbeing. Taking note of the little things and being grateful for those has a huge impact. It takes practice but it has positive results.