Adult teen not pulling weight + single mum guilt

[Alm0stThere]

DS is 20 soon. Still at home. He's in 2nd year at uni but has never had a job. He doesn't pay rent or contribute anything to bills/food. He chose a university close to home so that he wouldn't need to move out or take a student loan.

When he started university I'd recently changed career and taken a drop in pay. I made it clear to him that if he stayed at home he had to contribute financially and help out with housework. He does help with certain chores if I ask him but will never do anything unprompted. No job in sight and he's got no motivation to find one. He doesn't need is own money because he never leaves the house except to go to university (where he doesn't speak to anyone), doesn't have any friends and spends all his spare time on the computer. This bothers me but he insists he's happier without social obligations.

I feel like I have a freeloading lodger at this point and with bills going up it's a stretch to support us both on one salary. Plus I am just dead tired after 19 yrs of solo parenting and was hoping the pressure would have reduced a bit by now. He's happy, but his comfort is fully dependent on me continuing to break myself to support us.

What I really struggle with is the single parent guilt. I want him to feel safe and secure here but I also want him to be an adult and contribute. How do I strike the balance without constant arguments? I feel like I swing between ranting and being too soft. Is it fair to make him get a job while he's at university? Am I being too harsh?

I don't know any other lone parents. I'd really appreciate different perspectives.

sounds like getting a job could be good for him, especially if he never leaves the house. I would say you need better ground rules e.g. rent is £50 per week, or whatever you feel is appropriate, and you need to do XX chores per day. If neither of those are met then he will need to look to move out. Even if he has a bar job a couple of nights a week to give you the cash direct that would be enough. Don't feel guilty. He will need to stand on his own feet after Uni. He needs to learn how to somehow!

Yea it’s fair to expect him to get a job.
most young people by this age have had a job. I’d say he desperately needs one to get some experience and develop skills he will need in adulthood.

Surely he has something he wants to pay for? Wi-Fi? Phone? Games? I’d start by saying as things are tight you can no longer pay his phone bill after next month, however you will help him look for work so he can afford his own phone bill.
something like that. Don’t get in to arguments or back and forth, just calmly state that is the way it is.

as for chores. Can you just stop doing his? Show him how to use the washer/drier. Suggest you can both do regular washes of each other’s clothes or can stick to doing your own clothes. his choice.

Sorry op, this does sound really tough.

does he have any diagnosed/undiagnosed needs- eg anxiety that is holding him back?

Is there a reason he doesn’t socialise?

tell him straight it’s not working out him not contributing and things need to change, he needs to be working part time and get a job

This has been going on for a couple of years now and I feel like i've tried everything. I made it very clear the toll it takes on me and that he is now an adult still clinging to his child niche. I dragged him through school and college, found his uni courses and sat over him while he did the applications, am constantly finding him job adverts and have helped him write a CV. I stopped cooking his dinner a year ago because we eat different things, I'm veggie and he eats meat, and we eat at different times. He knows how to put the washing on and do dishes but will just let everything pile up and the bin overflow if he's not explicitly told to do something. I'm tempted to take off somewhere for a few weeks to let him fend for himself!! I threatened to change the WiFi password but honestly i'm too tired for that fight. WiFi is his life.

I think he has low confidence, and pandemic definitely didn't help with the social skills - he did two years at college from home before university. I've tried to find him clubs and societies, drag him out when I can, I had some contacts that were happy for him to do work experience but he just says no to everything I suggest.

He usually gets money for birthday and Christmas that he saves and uses for games or other small things he needs.

I could stop paying his phone and make him buy his own food. I just don't ever want to say "do xyz or you'll have to move out". I have never had support and would never want him to feel that way, but I think he takes advantage because I'm so scared of being a 'bad' parent and feel guilty that he's grown up in a single parent household. Also just feel like I can't say any of this to people because I should probably be grateful that he's not drinking and partying.

you're basically enabling him to be a lazy so and so! so it sounds as though you need some therapy to become aware of it. Look up co-dependent relationships (parent/child), being an enabler, parental boundaries and how to establish them with young adults. I think you need to educate yourself. You're not aware of how damaging it is to both of you (including him) to allow him to get away with this. He's not growing up or being responsible. This pattern could last a lifetime. Do you want his future wife / kids to have to put up with this?? And make yourself aware of how he NEEDS to grow up, if you don't have boundaries he will be a man child forever! Honestly, be a bit strong. He's not a child.

You're totally right ghjklo and this is what I needed to hear. I can see it's not healthy but just have no idea what to do to break the cycle! When I outline boundaries, he pushes the guilt button and I doubt myself and back off. I have just started getting some therapy but it's early days. Time I grow a backbone.

I'm a single parent of an almost 19 year old and I get what you're saying completely.

Yes I think things have to change, but I'd also encourage you to see some positives in that you have made changes in the past.

A paid job is essential. It will start all sorts of things for him. A life and income of his own, a social life, growing up. Squash the uncomfortable feelings and sit him down to talk. He MUST start contributing and he has to get a paid job, it's non negotiable. Fix the right number of hours in your mind before you start - don't be pushed into saying that a couple of hours dog walking a week (which somehow keeps not happening) or something is enough. He needs a boss and a timetable.

Describe one if the conversations where he pushes back?

Ds is more subtle - he just says yes and hopes if he does nothing I'll forget about it. A well founded belief tbh.

You might need to rehearse the conversation with your therapist. Let it get angry if you need to.

Thanks PT. I do think a job would do wonders for him and give him a confidence boost. Good idea about agreeing hours and terms in advance.

I'm a single parent of a 17 year old at college. They do work part-time but I regard that as their money for days out/driving lessons etc. But I do expect their bathroom (the family bathroom) to be clean at all times - so any visitors could use it without notice. I expect that they contribute towards meals (I pay for all food) - so that is preparation, cooking and cleaning away afterwards. But washing! That is tricky - more because I don't expect my DC to wash my clothes! But actually my DC is pretty good at ironing their own clothes and, if I haven't washed enough in advance, about sticking on a wash (to include any family washing). But my DC doesnt pay board & lodging. Yours is old enough to know that in a real world situation they would need to do that. So they need to step up. Perhaps discuss the next academic year about them moving out to a student lodging?

Well, the last serious conversation was when he chose the uni close to home. The other choice would have required moving out and Halls. He then said he cancelled his student loan request because he didn't need money living at home.

I sat him down, outlined the financial situation, that energy bills are going up, food prices going up, I have new vet bills to juggle and my salary went down when I changed jobs. I said if he was going to stay at home for uni then it was non-negotiable that he gets a job and contributes financially. He said OK, I ask about the job hunt and get rolling eyes, huffing and silent treatment. He does nothing, a couple of weeks later the same happens. I send him jobs, they expire. He accuses me of always being on his back. Rince and repeat.

Suggestion about student lodging next year is a good one. I honestly think I just needed a bit of reinforcement here that what I am asking is not unreasonable. So hard when you're just stuck in your own head.