Long distance parent and travel

[Frustratedme]

I feel like I can’t speak to my LO’s father without an argument happening so I would like to know where I stand before I bring this up to him. It’s really draining but I don’t expect things ever to change, I’ve had to shut down so many attempted arguments over the last few months and I can’t do it anymore.

We’ve always shared the travel which I have never had a problem with. He lived 1.5 hours away by car. Earlier this year he doubled that distance, moving from Scotland to England. He’s been very hypocritical, expecting me to go the extra mile when he won’t himself. Makes unreasonable demands and speaks down to me when I can’t accommodate them. I could go on for ever about the history and what not but the facts are, I can’t cope with the constant arguments and neither can I afford the increased costs of fuel and losing out on wages because I need to take a day off work every time he has LO.

I’ve been debating telling him that I will not be sharing the travel going forward. It’s not really feasible anymore. Does anyone else have a similar set up? He doesn’t send any extra money to cover any fuel costs and I haven’t asked or expected him to otherwise. He would probably refuse and tell me that was a me problem anyway. Could I reasonably refuse to travel? I am 100% not refusing access either, I would like to make that very clear.

You offer up arrangements that suit your dc (age?) and he can accommodate them. Yabu to provide a taxi service for your dc.

LO is 6. We’ve had a set schedule for about 3 months now after I asked many times. Funnily enough it was to prevent arguments but they seem to be happening more now! All I ever wanted was a set schedule or advance notice. He would ask for LO very short notice and because I couldn’t travel due to work he would start throwing insults and refused to compromise. I was an AH for not taking time off work yet he was never willing to take the time off himself (I never once asked him to). Rinse and repeat the same argument once a month until he finally agreed. It almost feels like he thinks he’s doing me a favour by babysitting than being a parent and having time with his child by the way he speaks to me all the time. It shouldn’t be this difficult!

He carn't expect you to have time off work thats totally unrealistic.
The thing is you need a solution where he's also "happy with" as I suspect it's the only way the arguments will stop. That's not about giving in or pandering.
So how often does he see his son and what would the travel arrangements be if he was to see him?. Eg how longs the drive, how often etc etc etc.

The drive to his partner’s house is about 2.5 hours one way without traffic or stopping anywhere. So a 5 hour round trip driving at absolute minimum, maybe at least 6 hours for drop off time and stopping to stretch legs etc. When I suggested a schedule I let him choose the frequency which is every 3 weeks. I agreed without thinking about the cost because my only concern was making sure I was doing everything I could for my child to have a relationship with their father. It’s been costing about £50 in fuel every 3 weeks. Something that is starting to become unaffordable with the cost of living increase.

Without throwing unnecessary insults about, he’s always had a bit of a victim complex. I’m the furthest thing from confrontational and can’t cope with it. Part of me also wonders if he acts the way he does because he feels forced into this schedule by myself and his current partner who has her own child and is quite family orientated.

Let her him have the victim complex, some people just need it!!
So how much driving does he do? Or are you saying it's 50/50 atm?
If it's 50/50 why don't you do every 3rd one? Leaving him to do 2/3rds? Your seen as showing willing. But keeping the costs down a bit. He also chose to move further away?

It’s 50/50 at the moment. See any time that something comes up and I can’t accommodate, I’m told it’s my problem. But yes as you say, he’s the one who chose to move further away and still expects me to just do as he says and keep quiet about it. It’s ridiculous.

I would put it in writing that you want the continue supporting their relationship. But since he chose to move your finding it hard to financially afford to travel so far. Also that it's untangle for you to have the time off work. Offer to do every 3rd journey.
Only communicate with him via email not text, what's app ect.