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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Is full time work doable with a 1 and 3yr old?

24 replies

Bluebirds1987 · 26/12/2022 21:29

I want to separate from DH but am trying to get my financial "ducks in a row" before considering taking the plunge. I currently work 3 days a week in the NHS but would need to increase my hours if I'm going to support myself and my 2 toddlers alone.
There's a job coming up that's potentially full time in the next month or two at my work - but life is so hard and busy as it is - plus I'd have to pay for an extra 2 days childcare for both children. I do all the nursery runs, kids appointments etc, is more realistic to stick with part time (maybe 4 days) while they are still so little and just make do with the money from that? I've no idea. Currently my take home is about £1500 a month... I need more than this right?? To get a mortgage, my own car (we currently share 1 car) and cover bills and food etc.
I'm on top end of b6 wage but the potential job is a B7 and my work are pretty flexible.

Any advice welcome x

OP posts:

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Grimreapers · 26/12/2022 21:34

Universal credit will top you up and help with child care fees

Ydkiml · 26/12/2022 21:38

I think you’ll be able to claim some credits to help you . I don’t suggest full time . It sounds impossible and way too hard on you to raise two children their age and work full time . You will be shattered . Bless you . It’s a brave choice , I credit you for strength.

Travelbud · 26/12/2022 21:44

Have a look at entitled calculator. On UC you have to pay your childcare upfront and you don't get any potential back date until 4 weeks later sometimes longer.

I think doing more than 3 days as a B6 will be far too much as a single parent, plus childcare costs is capped too...

JanglyBeads · 26/12/2022 21:45

We can't know if that's enough money to get a mortgage without having some idea how big a mortgage you'd need.....

KnickerlessParsons · 26/12/2022 21:46

Will the children's father not be looking after them, or financially contributing to the cost of bringing them up at all?

GettingItOutThere · 26/12/2022 21:48

go on entitledto.co.uk put your details in

I would not do more than 3 days either on band 6! good luck lovely

Montague22 · 26/12/2022 21:53

I wouldn’t go above 4 days.
A childminder might work out cheaper though? Maybe look into that. They will take some annual leave though, can anyone help with that?
Once your youngest is 3 financially it will ease a bit as they’ll get their 30 hours….so it’s 2 really tricky years.
Do you need to leave before then?

Original poster

Bluebirds1987 · 26/12/2022 21:56

DH has a job where he is often working away during the week, and is usually gone before nursery opens so I imagine I would have main custody and he'd see them on weekends, maybe some evenings if he's not working away. So yes I guess he'd have to pay maintenance and we'd have to split childcare costs. I'm not sure if I'd have to ask him to pay me something towards me having the kids on my days off since he'd be out earning yet I wouldn't be able to. Is that even a thing?

Currently our joint mortgage is nearly £900 a month. I'd need at least a 2 bed (ideally 3 bed).

Childcare costs are capped? Can you elaborate? We use tax free childcare but I thought it was the help that was capped, not the other way round.

It might be a brave choice. It might be stupid. Tbh I don't know what's more scary - staying so unhappy and being a shit unhappy mum, or burning myself out trying to do it all alone and possibly still be a shitty mum. But at least I won't have to answer to anyone else anymore. Spent tonight having a shouting match resulting in DH zooming off in the car. Lovely and festive!

OP posts:

megletthesecond · 26/12/2022 21:57

Do you have back up childcare for days they are off sick?
If you work 3 or 4 days it gives you some flexibility.

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/12/2022 22:06

You need to work out a proper budget for all your options.

Go see CAB for what you can claim

Gather all your joint financials and go see a solicitor for what your safe of the assets will be, and what your ex will need to pay for the kids

you can’t just guess it

Original poster

Bluebirds1987 · 26/12/2022 22:16

@Luredbyapomegranate is a solicitor necessary to work all that out? I don't know when I'd even be able to go see a solicitor let alone pay for one... Though I guess I might need to eventually. I thought child maintenance was an agreed amount rather than something that is legally worked out?

OP posts:

JenniferBarkley · 26/12/2022 22:40

Ours are 4 and 2, we both work full-time and find it very full on with two of us pulling our weight. I would really struggle on my own tbh.

JanglyBeads · 26/12/2022 22:40

Solicitor can help predict what share of the assets you could go for, not how much maintenance.

Travelbud · 26/12/2022 22:45

CMS is a legal organisation, its pretty useless if your partner or ex is the type to mess around and claim to be self employed.

If you could agree a decent amount most people wouldn't bother with CMS. CMS decides the amount depending on the paying party's earnings..

Travelbud · 26/12/2022 22:48

Yes the help is capped for the amount of childcare costs. How would you manage to start work at 7am? Do you work 13hr shifts?

Is full time work doable with a 1 and 3yr old?

Original poster

Bluebirds1987 · 26/12/2022 23:11

Thanks for the advice, I will work out what my wage would be on 4 days and full time, and try putting details in on entitledto for what I'd get benefits wise if I stuck with my 3 days or upped my hours. and see if I can work out some budgets based on those figures. I've already had a look at a basic mortgage calculator and I can't afford much - it'd be a massive downsize.

I don't HAVE to leave. Now is a crap, crap time. I need the help, financially and practically. We don't get much family help. But my marriage has been rocky for nearly 2 years. We've had counselling. Our relationship is starting to affect my children - there were tears from them today due to our argument. Maybe it wasn't handled in the best way, but I don't want to go on like this. We are much better people apart. When he's home, I'm miserable. I'm starting to think our happiness will be worth far more in the long run than the financial certainty of staying together. It's got to the point I genuinely dread having to spend any time together as a family because his moods just ruin everything. I can't relax in my own home anymore. I think I'm just done.

Still, it's a tricky one and I haven't decided for certain. Because it's such a huge decision and doesn't just affect me and him does it? The joys of motherhood.

OP posts:

Ilikepinacoladass · 28/12/2022 19:24

I don't see why you should just get the week days time with them and he gets the weekends, just because he works away during the week... That would mean you doing all the manic nursery runs / rushed dinners etc, and not get any of the nice relaxed weekend time / socialising / playdates etc.. at the end of the day if you did split he would have to reasses he work situation, as it's not fair for him to have all the weekends

Ilikepinacoladass · 28/12/2022 19:31

And no, other than child maintenance agreed, I don't think you would be entitled to more for the week days you weren't working and had the children as it would be your choice to work part time. I do see your logic for this though, if he's paying half towards childcare then should he be paying for you to look after them on your days off.. but think about it this way you could get a job working at the weekend/ when he is looking after them if you wanted too, and then would he be able to ask you to pay him on those days?

Notanotherusername4321 · 28/12/2022 19:34

Bear in mind childcare is a temporary expense.

at 1 and 3 you have about 4 years of paying full time childcare? Then after that you will only have school wraparound and holiday care.

there are things you can do in the short term. Interest only mortgage, or negotiate reduced payments and extended term.

if you’re nhs is there an on-site nursery? Childcare vouchers? Even stopping pension contributions temporarily.

have you factored in CM payments as well?

working full time is definitely doable.

have you spoken to a solicitor? At your children’s age you may well be able to stay in your house- either with an arrangement to sell when the kids reach maturity, or buy him out now- my brother’s ex only had to pay him 30k as the payment was set at the max mortgage the bank would allow, so their mortgage was 120k, she had to remortgage to 150k to buy him out (house was worth 400k).

Ilikepinacoladass · 28/12/2022 20:05

Could also be worth thinking about the other support your husband currently provides other than financial, is sometimes easy to take these things for granted until they're gone!

Original poster

Bluebirds1987 · 28/12/2022 23:20

Thanks @Notanotherusername4321 there's a few things I hadn't thought about there, definitely options. There's no childcare where I work.
I did speak to a solicitor a good while back, but it was basically for free advice to ask at what point I may need them if we did separate. This was when we ended up having marriage counselling and not separating. However, she basically said that I wouldn't really need one unless we couldn't come to a mutual informal agreement about everything (re finances etc). I'm not sure that's the case, however I think separating and divorce are not the same thing in terms of legalities - despite all the practicalities and actual separation being the same if that makes sense.

@Ilikepinacoladass I think if my children were older, or none existent then without a doubt I would have left him already. The relationship is one thing. The financial stability for both myself and the children is another thing. But the life stage we're at, and the absolute need for his help to stay sane and manage a household, work, and meet all the families needs with kids this young is also coming into it. Would our lives be better, or would actually the extra strain of separating (financially, emotionally, physically) mean we're all just worse off than we would have been just staying together and being in an unhappy marriage? Don't get me wrong, I'm used to doing it all on my own when he is away - but it's absolutely exhausting and when there's two of us it feels like a breeze in comparison. I'm a much better person and mum when I can get a break now and again. I see posts on my local FB mums page from single parents struggling - the mental load, the doing it all, the relentless, and the cost of living sending people into debt. It all scares the shit out of me. Then I feel awful for feeling like I'm staying for all the wrong reasons.

OP posts:

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/12/2022 07:52

@Bluebirds1987
Yes it's hard doing it on your own. And I would be careful to not confuse 'doing it all on your own' when he's away, with actually doing it all on your own. Because they are very different. When he's away you're still benefitting from the things he did while he wasn't away, such as DIY, grass being cut, him being on the end of the phone and other chores he did before leaving for the week etc

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/12/2022 07:55

Never being able to pop out in the evening without childcare having being arranged... Still worth it to be out of an unhappy marriage though!

PragmaticWench · 29/12/2022 08:20

If you leave then make sure you move close to a school with morning/after-school childcare club available, not all have it.

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