Is there any where I can reach out for support?

[WeyAyeMan]

I am really struggling. I'm becoming irritable and snappy and not sure how much longer I can cope.
3 kids my middle is one year old and co sleeps. Sleep had always been terrible such a light sleeper.

I have no family and a small handful of friends who have their own lives, full time jobs.

My head is going to explode, the constant tantrums, noise from my middle waking up the baby for the ten mins I get ti quickly clean bottles etc, I need the pressure taken off me for a day at least. I'm not a robot I'm still a person but I feel like it's just expected to just get on with it.

I'm getting no time to myself I can't even go to the toilet sometimes I gave to just ignore the pain in my stomach. Im going to snap soon. Any time I do get is to tidy or clean but it's pointless as when I'm busy with the baby my middle is just so absolutely destructive. I can't sit without being climbed on, slapped, hair pulled.

Don't know what I expect from this I just need to say it I am absolutely Fucking sick
😔

Im crying from the guilt in writing this. I'm just desperate 😢

Hi, I feel like that today too. I've been on my own with two young ones from birth, tough but not as tough as 3. My children have really suffered from my poor mental health because of the lack of support and huge pressure on me all the time. I still co sleep and they're both now at school. I would like it to be different but I've had to do whatever I can to get sleep where I can.

I had something called Homestart when they were younger, where normally a Nanna type would come over once a week and play with the kids and have a cup of tea, that was a bit of a help and then I used to pay someone to come over and baby sit so I could have a bath and just rest. In terms of the housework, I live in total chaos and it gets me down but I'm back at work now and will employ a cleaner soon.

I found a very low dose of valium helped me through rough patches. It was just enough to take the edge of things but I've always been good at only using it for short periods and then stopping when I am back on track.

I've also call the samaritans when my mental health is suffering and the family support helpline 0808 802 6666 to just vent and hear a friendly voice.

Sending love to you. It's really really hard and very few people truly understand.

Gingerbread have a Single Parent Helpline - The helpline number is 0808 802 0925. Over Christmas it's only open tomorrow Friday 23rd December: open 10am – 12pm only.

www.gingerbread.org.uk/what-we-do/contact-us/helpline/

Please talk to a friend about how you are feeling, I'm sure they are busy but would find time to help. I would hate to think of one of my friends struggling when I could have helped. Big hugs

Please reach out to your health visitor, they should have access to some respite childcare. I was offered it when mine was small was only 2 hours a week so not ideal and you would still have your new born but would be something.

I can't even imagine how hard this is for you as I feel like I can totally relate but that's with only 1 (super clingy high needs) child and a super supportive husband and mum 😳
It's so hard never getting a second to yourself and it's just relentless. You definitely need a break somehow. Do they go to childcare at all?
Could you be honest with your friends about how much you're struggling and see if they could come and watch the kids while you have a bath or something? Mind I know people suggest stuff like that to me and it just wouldn't work cos my child wouldn't be willing to play with a stranger/any one they haven't built a relationship with. Is it the same for you?
I hope you can find some support. You're right you're not a robot and something has to give!!

Im crying at these responses. Thank you all for being so nice to me. I feel like such a shit mother for feeling like this but there's constantly a baby in my arms, and one hanging off me. Even if I had help my middle child would scream at the bathroom door to be in. My friend helps as much as she can but she doesn't have children so once they start crying you see the sheer panic in her eyes 🤦🏼‍♀️ if I don't laugh I'll break down.

It's nice to know I'm not alone feeling like this. I just managed ten minutes to clean bottles dishes and benches, opened this and they're both awake on me.

My health visitor is so bad. I have concerns about my middle child and asd and all I get from her is wait and see. She knows my situation, knows I'm alone my own mother has not even acknowledged the birth of my children yet was in and out in her visits and just says see you when youngest is 9 months!

Some questions… how are you for money? Can you put your kids in childcare or pay for an ad hoc nanny? And then can you be honest with some of your friends and see if they can come over together and look after your kids for an afternoon to give you a break (or similar)?

@figrollmop im sorry you're going through this too. The first night home from hospital totally alone with them is completely daunting isn't it.
I feel like Ive completely lost who I am, how can I have any interests when I don't even get time to have a wee in peace. And then when I want to do things for self care. Paint my nails etc it's impossible.

I'm dreading going back to work as I'm just so worn down, exhausted and I feel almost like I don't know how to communicate or exist in a professional adult world any more.

@myratlyr they're not in childcare yet. I'm absolutely dreading it to be honest 1 is my anxiety I worry about what if it is someone who shouldn't be in the job working in a nursery if you know what I mean. And then my middle one I don't know how they would cope in childcare there's an absolute melt down if I leave the room for the toilet.

You are absolutely not a shit mum. Anyone would struggle in your circumstances.

Definitely contact Gingerbread. Also Headstart. They are for all parents with multiple young children.

Wishing you all the best

@pjani to be honest I'm not struggling but also not rolling in the money. Although I do need to be careful as my maternity pay is reducing every month now.

I think it's more my anxiety around childcare why I'm hesitant. It seems stupid I know when I'm so desperately screaming out for a break

Thank you @Rainbowqueeen going to get in touch with them tomorrow 🙂

Someone said to me once that when my first was born, someone else was born too ~ a new mother. It’s a new identity…. Resistance (thinking life should be calm and easy as before kids) is futile, these years are so hard, life is hard, you have to keep going. Our own mums did it, we can do it too. You need to somehow get some rest. There has to be someone in the community that can help, even another mom on a similar situation … i find children are easier to mind when there’s more of them around to entertain each other… then the little moments that should bring joy, will bring joy.

I know it doesn't feel like it now but the one year-old will become less clingy as he or she gets a bit older. Just worry about the basics for now- fed and dressed and if you need to leave them for five mins to cry whilst you take a breather, that's really okay. I know how you feel, it's just me and a toddler at home- Christmas hols so no help with childcare atm.

No specific help but just want to say, you aren’t alone, you aren’t failing or anything else you may be feeling. I feel like you describe often and I have 1 child. I cannot believe how I would (therefore you actually do) feel with 3. I also have family around and it is tough. So for you, YANBU. Sometimes, just sometimes you may need to think of you and if you need quiet time, tv will have to help. If it means that you are more invested at other times by getting a break, just do it. If you need to go toilet, do. I also shower etc with my 2 year old around, I just found what worked for us to keep her safe whilst I did me. Again, not as easy with 3 but don’t feel bad at finding a way, you need to do the basics for you

@WeyAyeMan I feel like with two I'm at breaking point, so to have three is just beyond! How you're doing it, I do not know. It's completely not acceptable for a woman to be left raising 3 small children on her own without support.

One is just about manageable, two is fucking pushing it, 3 is just impossible. I believe my eldest is traumatised so his behaviour can be really tough and I'm weak and scream and shout way too much which is not what he needs but nobody cares really, I'm just left to hold the fort.

I found the disappointment of having family living just a few streets away and them just leaving me to it has been tough. They're slightly more involved now the children are a little older but it's very tense and I don't like them spending much time with them as they have a very 70s style parenting approach that is very upsetting to be around and reminds me a lot of all the things that went wrong in my childhood.

Going back to work was rocky at first but after 3 months it was fine andI enjoy it. You just have to accept for the first 3 months it's going to be a shit show and make sure you have some options in place for when the kids are sick etc. I have a hybrid role so I can work from home when they're sick (and an understanding female boss).

I was just speaking to my children as I put them to bed and apologised for all of the shouting today and said how tough it as at the moment and I'm so sorry. They both said that they don't feel loved and that I say it but something inside them makes them feel that I don't. It's probably because I'm so depressed all of the time and they have be around it. I feel like I've fucked up their lives and all I ever wanted was to create a happy family. I'm sure you totally understand.

Ah @figrollmop I wish I could give you the biggest hug. You haven't fucked up their lives. You're there you are their constant, kids say things they don't mean too when it's been a shitty day.

My middle winged and winged all day long just none stop, feel guilty because I shouted and of course it made the crying worse.

You just feel like you can't win don't you. My family turned their back on me because of lies from my absolute psycho ex, I've just got so much anger that I feel trapped in what can only be described as an absolute shit show.

Then there are sweet little moments and you feel horrendous guilt for feeling like this.

@WeyAyeMan Ah thank you. I'm sending you a hug right back. I've kind of made this a bit about my struggles which wasn't my intention but it's been a really tough day and I just want you to know that you're not on your own feeling this way. I also have the narcissist ex to contend with who adds extra pressure and stress all the time. I do still have hope that things will get better, they will..

Hugs both of you

What about Home Start the charity?
www.home-start.org.uk/
They have volunteers who come and help you in your home with kids etc. All properly vetted. Hope you feel better soon OP!

I definitely think it’s worth challenging your concerns about childcare. The vast majority of people who chose it as a career because they enjoy children and think they are good with them.

Just do as much due diligence as you can - read the ofsted reports, visit them and ask lots of questions.

An alternative is some childcare in the home - you could be in another room while they are there taking the main role with the kids, or just pop out and return at a time chose by you.

Thank you all. I'll contact the charities and support in the new year. I reached out to my friend and she's here at the moment hoovering and mopping the floors while I'm feeding the baby.

I'm so grateful to her I could cry. I don't know if it's normal to feel like this but I feel extremely down and agitated when the floors need cleaned etc and I'm not able to do it due to crying babies feeds etc

Well done!

That’s wonderful news. Your friend sounds ace.

Happy new year to you both