If your ex keeps cancelling plans to see the children?

[SpinningFloppa]

Hi I posted this on another board but didn’t get many responses and I’m still at a loss of what to do so trying here, if your ex keeps cancelling plans do you just keep rearranging them until they do show up? My ex hasn’t had contact with our children for 2 years (completely his choice) he got back in contact recently asking to see them. The advice on MN was to start up contact again however he was meant to come down the day before yesterday and cancelled on the day, he said he would come yesterday and again cancelled on the today. He was asking to come today but I’m thinking this is not a good start of things to come as he has cancelled two days in a row now. I’ve tried to be understanding the first time but two days in a row? I have also tried to explain how important consistency is but he doesn’t understand and feels nothing about cancelling. How many times should we be arranging this until I give up as I am busy and have things to do (very busy week for everyone!) and I’ve even cancelled plans to be in for him.

(For a bit of background he last saw our children 2 years ago when he was suppose to turn up for one of their birthdays and just didn’t show up, didn’t even bother to cancel that just a no show and ignored my messages, he also cancelled contact if it was raining etc so not unusual behaviour for him and he has never ever been consistent since we split, so it’s not a one off it’s a pattern of behaviour and I’m not sure what others do in this situation? I can’t talk to people irl about it as they don’t like him so I don’t mention him to them)

No. I was very strict with this. “Your opportunity is Saturday from x to y, if you choose not to utilise that time it will not be rescheduled”.

He even sent me dipshit lawyer letters to say I should make them available any time he needed to reschedule. I told him to do one and that we’d not be putting our lives on hold for when his lordship was available.

Don’t tell the kids either, it’ll be easier for you to manage the “excitement” of daddy rather than the disappointment of being let down. Again.

I certinly wouldn't be rearranging day after day.

We won't be available until after Chrsitmas/ new year would be my maximum offer...

I would also want to know why he didn't just turn up for 2 years...if you think nothing has changed i wouldn't waste my time.. doccument every time he cancels

Is he giving a reason for cancelling?

God what a waste of space he is. Your situation is difficult as he has been absent for so long. My ex was shit and messed everyone around. So his contact was x day at x time. If he missed it he waited until x day again. I also stopped telling the children he was coming. So they weren't constantly let down.

Don't just sit around waiting on him. Tell him you have plans. You are free to see the kids on a certain day and if that doesn't suit don't be rearranging

What are the ages of the children?

Just tell him to correspond via your solicitor in future..

I would make them available every other weekend for contact for 2 months. So eg he can come on a Saturday at 10:00am every other weekend if he cant manage that then tell him to go to court. It's not fair on the kids.

And echoing pp don't mention it to children.

This way you will have proved to the courts you've been more than reasonable

Can’t see he would bother going to court ! Actions speak louder than words. How sad.

Thanks for the comments, no he would never take me to court so definitely not worried about that. The children are aged between 5 and 11. Youngest has no memory of him. The reasons he gave I don’t think are good enough, both times he said it was because his brothers car had broken down, only we both live in London so transport not an issue. I’ve told them he is coming as this was meant to be the first visit after so long so I didn’t want him just turning up without warning them as I think that would be really unsettling however going forward I don’t have to mention it it was just because it was the first visit.

Been there done that, told him he needed to arrange at least a week in advance. Never seen or heard anything from him since

I get the not telling the kids but can people explain what they do if their children ask to do something on the day their father is suppose to come? How do you explain why they can’t do something as I’ve cancelled things only for him not to show up so it’s getting harder as they get older and want to make plans (especially on weekends with friends etc)

At this point.i would cancel nothing for him..

We will see is often my answer to Ds if i am not sure what plans are.

I would tell him final chance as it is damaging to the children to be let doen over again.

This. Give him a date in January and tell him the children now have family plans for Christmas.

In terms of plans, I wouldn't actively make plans during this fortnightly slot - like, I wouldn't book in a club or anything - but the thing is that this is a temporary fix. You'll know within a term if he's actually going to show up or not. If he does, then the situation re other plans sorts itself. If he doesn't then you go back to life as normal.

This is really about proving to yourself, your children and anyone like grandparents that you've done your best to facilitate contact. It's up to him to actually make it happen and you don't have to do it forever.

I hope your kids are OK - I'd be brushing past the last couple of days and getting on with your christmas now. I hope it's a lovely one.