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CSA dilemma

11 replies

user7826496296 · 18/12/2022 09:02

The CSA currently have logged the ex has DC 2-3 nights per week. This was the case till four months ago when DC kept getting upset and he sends them home. In the last 4 months they have probably stayed over night 5 times.
Ex told me he was dropping 1 night per week, going to every other weekend. At the minute that weekend is either one day or very rarely one night.
Currently he is paying £100 per month (self employed, they are meant to be investigating). He is earning way way more)
He is blaming me for this upset saying that it's all my fault, which is utter lies. There was emotional and verbal abuse in the relationship plus control issues towards me (meets every criteria for grandiose narc). Quite frankly, I want the break! I want her to go and be happy so I can relax and get on with me life.
He is "waiting for me to tell the CSA" to prove his point that it is me trying to "get more money from him".
I haven't told them yet because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction, plus dropping to 1-2 nights per week only gives me about £20 more per month
Last night I found out he is spending £300 per week on a hobby, and im trying to eke out £50 to last the next week and a half till payday.
Do I tell the CSA to get what is fair, but it really isn't "fair" because he will let DC go without to hurt me without a second thought. Or do I keep quiet so as not to let him think he is proven "right"
I went to the CSA because after 3 months of begging he refused to pay for his child.
Thanks

OP posts:
EL0ISE · 18/12/2022 09:05

Stop playing silly games with your ex to try to prove who is right. Just notify CMS of the change in the number of nights, as you are legally required to do. You can do it online today.

user7826496296 · 18/12/2022 09:10

I'm not trying to play games I'm trying to avoid the back lash!

OP posts:
Peacelily38 · 18/12/2022 09:12

He's still managing to manipulate you.

It doesnt matter what he says, he won't be proven 'right' because what he should be doing is paying for his child not manipulating you.

Drop the number of nights with the CSA.
Don't listen to him anymore in regards to him saying 'if you do this it means this.'
It doesn't it's nonsense.
Facts matter and the fact is he should be contributing towards his child's welfare and seeing them on a regular basis.
He's isn't doing either, he's a failure.

user7826496296 · 18/12/2022 09:13

@Peacelily38 thank you I know you are right, but I am still scared of him to be honest

OP posts:
Peacelily38 · 18/12/2022 09:24

If you are worried about the back lash then you need to change your response to him.

Make sure that in any messages you only respond to factual things and don't respond to emotional manipulation.

So if he starts being horrible/being manipulative don't respond.

If he asks to see the kid respond but remain factual and keep your messages short.
He will feed off of your emotional responses.

Sorry you are having a tough time.
I have been there and distancing yourself as much as possible helps.
Never respond to his bad behaviour.
If he is abusive inform the police.
He mustn't get any reaction from you emotionally.
Anything to do with money from now on inform the CMS about it and don't speak to him about any of it.
Let the CMS chase him, word of advice also you need to ring the CMS every now and again to check they are working on your case, they aren't very good, get your MP involved if things are taking too long.

Best of luck.

user7826496296 · 18/12/2022 09:28

Thank you, I've just done it. I've left it as 2 nights per fortnight because I'm hoping we will get back to that soon.
Yes I have reported to the police, I'm keeping a diary of contact and I have a second phone just for his contact, which helps as I don't have it with me 24/7, only during periods of contact

OP posts:
user7826496296 · 18/12/2022 09:28

I do need to chase the CSA, I submitted the variance back in June and it's still not been started!!!

OP posts:
Peacelily38 · 18/12/2022 09:48

Wow that's terrible, ring them once a week to check the progress.
And complain if it's not done.

user7826496296 · 18/12/2022 09:59

@Peacelily38 yes I will chase next week. Again, I submitted it because I know it's what's fair for his child but I'm scared of the fall out because he's made threats because of the impending investigation so I've not really chased it and put it to the back of my mind

OP posts:
user7826496296 · 18/12/2022 10:06

@Peacelily38 thank you for your understanding and help I really appreciate it

OP posts:
Peacelily38 · 18/12/2022 23:36

user7826496296 · 18/12/2022 09:59

@Peacelily38 yes I will chase next week. Again, I submitted it because I know it's what's fair for his child but I'm scared of the fall out because he's made threats because of the impending investigation so I've not really chased it and put it to the back of my mind

I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time.
It's horrible when you are in it, currently he still feels able to control you through manipulating you, once you create that distance things should improve.
You already have the right idea with having another phone.
Be kind to yourself you will have to take time to rebuild yourself.
Best of luck.

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