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Original poster

At breaking point due to sociopath ex who never breaks law but comes very close

13 replies

Babychampers · 14/12/2022 14:12

He's not breaking the law but he is as close as possible. Multiple vaxatious calls to police and social services about me and my family. Using local domestic abuse service and saying that he was a victim when he wasn't. I didn't realise how much he had fucked with my head until much later. When we were together he constantly pestered me for sex (including some weird fetishy stuff), was secretive and controlling about money, emotionally cold, cruel to DC from previous relationship who has LD (and accused this DC of being a threat to shared DC despite literally no evidence to support this). I suspect multiple affairs took place but no way to prove this. Took me to court even though he never showed any interest in DC prior to separation and wanted DC to live with him and see me under supervision once a fortnight (this didn't happen, it went 60/40 in my favour). Split with me when i was very unwell and everyone thought i might die (he scolded me for not having life insurance but never asked how I was doing). He has used up all my parents' savings on solicitors fees; he knows how to make a nuisance of himself and sends messages saying that he doesn't understand her so she has to email him multiple times. He's a litigant in person so none of this costs him anything. I really feel like I can't cope anymore; I can't even go to my GP and explain how awful I am because he will just use this against me... He demanded (and the judge approved this) that the judge have letters from my GP outlining all my mental health problems (I have had PND and anxiety, and was abused). My GP didn't want to write this at first but in the end wrote something vague, he complained it was too vague but the judge said the final hearing had to go ahead. He used messages I'd sent him discussing my abuse / r@pe as 'evidence' and you could see him smirking when my barrister x-examined him about why he had included them in the bundle. I have no money left and I just know that he will keep on taking me back to court, over and over. I am so, so, fucking tired. And he has limitless energy for this kind of thing. Because he enjoys it. School turning a blind eye and when questioned by social services take a "neutral" stance and just repeat that there are "communication issues between the parents that need working on" which is so incredibly unfair as I am terrified of him and what he will do next but trying my hardest to communicate properly for the sake of the children.

OP posts:
Justmeandme19 · 14/12/2022 19:27

Hey xxxi I've been in a similar (but different situation).
You carnt solve it all he will always be an abusive ass. But you can reduce down the negative impact he has on your life.
I will send you a personal message and we can talk more. X

Original poster
Babychampers · 14/12/2022 20:58

Thank you that would be great. I feel so alone as nobody I know has been in a situation even remotely like this xx

OP posts:
Justmeandme19 · 14/12/2022 21:07

I've sent you a Private message.x
I remember feeling exactly that, especially as it dragged in for years and years. I learnt quite a few practical things along the way which I'm always happy to recommend to others.

Lonecatwithkitten · 18/12/2022 08:59

To keep my anxiety etc away from my medical records I found my own private counsellor - she was wonderful and just saying all the stuff was helpful. She helped me develop strategies to deal with him. I appreciate that it does cost money, but it is a way of getting help without going through the NHS.

Original poster
Babychampers · 18/12/2022 20:46

Thanks @Lonecatwithkitten - I do have a therapist who I am paying for after using up all the NHS stuff on offer. He is very good but I am not sure if I can afford him long term. I have not been able to afford a private psychiatrist so meds have been through the NHS and unfortunately my ex has used the fact I'm on ADs and stuff for anxiety against me.

OP posts:
Fuckthatguy · 19/12/2022 17:29

OP you are most definitely not alone in this, I’ve been there as have many other many other - Solace/Woman’said have highly trained caseworkers who recognise and advocate for women who’ve been subjected to this subversive and insidious sort of abuse.

Angry in your behalf

PeaceJoySleep · 23/12/2022 16:54

Omg you poor thing. {Big hug}. My own x was emotionally abusive and used the courts to control me but he sounds like a beginner compared to your x

Original poster
Babychampers · 24/12/2022 15:45

Fuckthatguy · 19/12/2022 17:29

OP you are most definitely not alone in this, I’ve been there as have many other many other - Solace/Woman’said have highly trained caseworkers who recognise and advocate for women who’ve been subjected to this subversive and insidious sort of abuse.

Angry in your behalf

Unfortunately Solace only seem to work in London and Women's Aid don't have the tender in my area. The domestic abuse service is run by a really crap service who have been literally no use at all. They gave me a safety plan which I didn't need. I think the fact that he has accused me of abuse and told loads of lies about me hasn't helped, because they see me as an abuser.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babychampers · 24/12/2022 15:47

PeaceJoySleep · 23/12/2022 16:54

Omg you poor thing. {Big hug}. My own x was emotionally abusive and used the courts to control me but he sounds like a beginner compared to your x

Thank you xxx I am starting to see how absolutely horrible he was to me when we were together now; he isolated me from my friends and made me think that they hated me. Ditto my family. It seems so wrong that he's "allowed" to have behaved like this with nobody telling him it was wrong.

OP posts:
Fuckthatguy · 24/12/2022 21:28

That’s really crap OP and I’m shocked they can’t see what’s really going on. Womansaid have an acute understanding of the insidious behaviour of these odious men.
Having had many conventional due to my own shitstorm they even understand how family court can be manipulated to paint the mother as hysterical and abusive themselves when in reality they/we are the victims of these abusers who are just projecting. We hear you and we see you OP, and stand with you.

Original poster
Babychampers · 25/12/2022 17:53

Fuckthatguy · 24/12/2022 21:28

That’s really crap OP and I’m shocked they can’t see what’s really going on. Womansaid have an acute understanding of the insidious behaviour of these odious men.
Having had many conventional due to my own shitstorm they even understand how family court can be manipulated to paint the mother as hysterical and abusive themselves when in reality they/we are the victims of these abusers who are just projecting. We hear you and we see you OP, and stand with you.

Thank you 💔 I am really disappointed with the useless DV/DA support services, they on't seem to realise that he's a total narc who's gone out of the way to make my life absolute hell over the last few years.

OP posts:
WoodyBrambles · 11/05/2023 00:12

Hi @Babychampers I’ve just come across your thread after the most horrific day in court today with my ex. After years of emotional abuse, I naively put my faith into the system, thinking that they would be able see right through him, but I was so wrong! It was awful, I think this has been the worst day of my life. Please tell me that it gets better?

Fantina · 11/05/2023 00:21

What happened @WoodyBrambles? I am
not the OP and you might be better posting your own thread, but I have also been through the family court system
with my abusive ex so can relate.

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