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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

"I know exactly what you mean"

28 replies

OhmyImsoCross · 10/12/2022 12:11

Aaaaaargh....no you don't.
Just venting as unwell with a particularly nasty cold this week and wasn't able to go to work. I also very much struggled to get up and dressed at 630 every morning, feed the kids, drive them to school and then do the reverse at 3pm along with cooking them dinner, helping with homework, bed time routine and all the other household matters (washing, cleaning etc). I didnt think I'd get through each day.

I'm a lone parent, kids haven't seen their dad for 2 years, no family nearby, no home help etc. I work 50 hour weeks in a demanding job. Generally exhausted but this week have been really unwell.

When looking for some supportive words from a friend because I've really struggled this week, she just said she knew "exactly" how hard it was because she had also had a cold. Erm, no, not.the same. She is in a supportive marriage, with family who help out during the week as well. Not even sightly the same.

I'm so frustrated that being a lone parent is endlessly thankless. Even some small acknowledgement sometimes from friends and family would be nice. The weight of being responsible for everything in the family is immense and I feel so deeply angry when those who arent completely alone or people who do have some support compare their situation. They have no idea. Just none.

I know I have to get on with it regardless. I know their opinion shouldnt matter. But, it does hurt. Do I want a medal? Maybe, yes sometimes. Just a little bit of acknowledgement.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SplunkPostGres · 10/12/2022 12:16

I don’t think it’s possible to get it if you haven’t been there. The sheer exhaustion of having no one else to depend on.

I’m just back from a meeting with local councillor about securing specialist school resources for my son. She started talking about the popularity of home educating. No. Just no. Do not have the wherewithal to even think about that.

Icecreamandapplepie · 10/12/2022 12:17

I can't imagine how you do it. I wanted to give some words of encouragement and consolation because it must be so so tough.

How old are your children? Could you try and get a trusted childminder so you have someone to call in when really needed/ for a break?

Your friend us being thoughtless to say the least.

Stressfordays · 10/12/2022 12:18

Lone parent here too. People don't get it. The sheer weight of it all being on you is huge. Being unwell on top is the straw that breaks the camels back. Begging for childcare constantly just so you can put food on the table. I often get it from people who's partners work away and it's so frustrating. We do deserve a medal but we will forever be judged for having kids with useless men.

Cantdoitallperfectly · 10/12/2022 12:19

I’ve been a single mum, I remember being very unwell with a virus when they were tiny; it was awful. That feeling of being 100% responsible for EVERYTHING was draining. I am giving you a virtual medal 🥇 because you deserve it. How old are your DC? Feel free to vent on here, I’m listening. And unless you’ve done it it’s impossible to know how hard being a single mum is.

audweb · 10/12/2022 12:23

People don’t get it. They think they do, because they struggle in other ways, but unless the ALL the responsibility of raising a child lies solely on your shoulders, you cannot understand the sheer relentless exhaustion that comes with it.

if I don’t do something for my kid - it won’t get done. No one is stepping in to fill that space.

so not much else to say except solidarity, because I get it, I do.

SpinningFloppa · 10/12/2022 20:21

No people don’t get it but I have to be honest I don’t even think some single parents get it , I’m a lone parent, father not involved at all so don’t have any time at all off to look forward to

Justmeandme19 · 11/12/2022 11:06

Hey hope you're feeling better. Xx just an idea (I'm also a line parent) my children have cooked school meal. This really takes the strain off me. As I don't feel so obliged to cook a proper meal.
I think there's a lot of variations to being a single parent, eg if they see their father, family support, children's age, children with additional needs etc etc etc. It's very subjective to the situation.
Saying that I also hate how people compare their partner being away a lot to being a single parent! The mental work load when you haven't got a second supportive partner is also very very hard.
Sometimes something has to give. Don't feel guilty if you've not been able to do the kids homework or spellings. Sometimes you just carn't do it all. X

unicornsarereal72 · 11/12/2022 18:33

The enormity of it is massive. I try not to dwell on it too much. Although was venting to a friend the other day. I have a dying parent. Work alone and lone parent to children with SEN. and was trying to express actually I'm very lonely and isolated and it's all on me. I just sounded Whiney

Newuser82 · 11/12/2022 18:42

I don't imagine to understand how you feel. My husband works ridiculous hours and so for the most part I look after the kids by myself but when I'm really ill or really tired he is able to help. I can't imagine doing it totally alone.

pastypirate · 11/12/2022 18:46

They don't get it but I do. Single parent for 10 years. It's fucking hard. I have one elderly family member and an unsupportive employer

Thinkbiglittleone · 11/12/2022 18:48

I'm sure she didn't mean it in a horrible way, I had a friend who used to tell us about how hard it was on her and we used to say "it must be exhausting".
She was a lone parent through the week, her child's father paid most of the bills for them and she claimed benefits, as she was a SAHP and he had the child every weekend, but we appreciated it was on her through the week after school and of a morning and were sympathetic whilst she talked about.
But she put herself in the same boat as my friend who the father of her 4 just upped and left, didn't pay a penny or see them at all and she didn't have a shred of compassion for her, it was as if she couldn't see past her own situation.
But her situation was worse to her, because it was hers I suppose.

Thinkbiglittleone · 11/12/2022 18:50

Oh and the second friend also worked 2 PT jobs and doing a DL course.

watcherintherye · 11/12/2022 18:54

I hope you feel better soon. No, I don’t know what it’s like to have to manage things which are bad enough with two people, on your own. Trouble is when people who are on their own say they’re struggling, I think most of us wouldn’t normally respond by saying that yes it must be terrible to have to cope on your own. It sounds very ‘I’m alright, Jack’. It’s natural to want to empathise and show understanding, I think. What kind of response would you find most supportive?

Original poster

OhmyImsoCross · 21/12/2022 10:20

Thank you everyone for your amazing and supportive replies. I ended up being really very ill with flu and have been in bed for most of the ten days other than school runs. Luckily the kids avoided it somehow!

The friend I was feeling frustrated about is lovely. I think she just bore the brunt if my frustration at hearing that phrase for last few years. She was only trying to sympathise, but she has no idea what the pressure is like at all.

Someone asked what the "right" way to approach it would have been - you're right that there probably wasn't one in that conversation due to my mood!! However, maybe sometimes people could empathise not sympathise. Ie instead of saying "I know exactly what you mean", just give a hug and ask how to help (if you can). The biggest help I've ever had has been someone listening.

It's a big ask as.who wants to listen to this mess!!..But, thank you for listening as it made a big difference to me those few days when I was really at rock bottom. The replies made me cry a lot in relief as I didn't feel so alone. Thank you

OP posts:

WhatWouldHopperDo · 21/12/2022 10:30

Sorry you have been so unwell. Just to say there are some of us who maybe don't 'get it' but do understand that we don't get it IYSWIM.

Sometimes, all you want/need is for someone to acknowledge how tough it is without comparing your situation to theirs, even if they are trying to be supportive.

I hope you feel better soon and that you and your DCs have a great Christmas.

Ban · 21/12/2022 10:43

I totally get you OP. I can't stand it when people think they know what you mean as their partners work long hours or away for work.

IT's NOT THE SAME!!

There was a thread on here recently from a poster asking how she could possibly cope with her kids all alone for 2 weeks over Christmas. Turns out her husband was just working long hours.

She had no idea what it's like to be really alone.I didn't post.

I feel for you OP. I really do ❤️

IvyDora · 21/12/2022 10:59

It sounds to me like you are doing a fantastic job. I wouldn't cope - I know I wouldn't! I have a lot of admiration for lone parents. I hope you are feeling better x

Toloveandtowork · 21/12/2022 11:15

It sucks so much being a lone parent especially when money is tight or you are sick.
I sometimes think it should be a human rights issue as its so oppressive.

Kokeshi123 · 21/12/2022 11:18

Well, what do you want her to say? “Well, I wouldn’t know about that, as I have such a fantastic life and everything’s easy for me!”

Sorry you are having a shit week, but it’s not your friend’s fault. She’s trying to show empathy.

ghjklo · 21/12/2022 11:20

I think a lot of people think they "get it" if their situation has one or two things vaguely in common. The reality is they will never get it! Being a LP is in no way similar to someone whose DP works away or nights or whatever. Being an ill LP is not the same as any random parent who has a cold. Ugh. People have no idea.

Fizzadora · 21/12/2022 11:24

Oh come on OP plenty of posts on here all the time about women that are doing all that you do and have a lazy, useless twat of a husband/ partner lying on the sofa directing operations and threatening to smash their heads in if they don't do as they're told.

Things aren't always what they seem.

Toomanysleepycats · 21/12/2022 11:26

I was the child of a lone parent. No relatives, father out of the picture.

Although I didn’t realise how hard this must have been for her until I was an adult.

Your children likewise will appreciate all your sacrifices in time. It might not be much of a consolation now, but in the future the people that matter will know how hard your life is.

lightswitchon · 21/12/2022 12:03

I understand, and agree that what you haven't lived, you can't fully understand , but life is difficult for everyone in different ways. Someone with a child with severe disabilities may say that your life is easy compared to theirs, and someone else in a war zone would think that how easy everything would be without the war.
You should be proud of what you do for your family, but don't think badly of a friend who doesn't understand.

summergone · 21/12/2022 12:31

I feel for you op , I was a single mum for 7 years to 3 dc and looking back god I went through some tough times , especially the teenage years . But they are all grown up now and are doing so well in life and that makes me so so proud . And you must feel proud to that you are bringing up amazing kids all by yourself and yes your friends comments would annoy me too .

Fuuuuuckit · 21/12/2022 12:36

Oh love. I've just had a big blub about the unendingness of single parenthood too. Plus I've been in bed for 3 days, Christmas is 3.5 days away and I've not got asmuch as a single pig in blanket in yet.

It's so shit sometimes. Solidarity op!

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