I can’t cope any more

[Icantcopeanymoreatall]

I’ve been doing reasonably well other than the odd stressful day and night here and there until last two weeks. I’m 5 months postpartum and my baby now seems unhappy all the time, I don’t know what I’ve done to make her like this. I’ve tried to do absolutely every thing right and used to make her smile and laugh all the time but she’s rarely happy now, she wakes up screaming with wind all the time too now and wanting more feeds, she will only sleep when I have my arms wrapped around her hugging her: I haven’t brushed my teeth in four days cos I haven’t had the time, house is a tip and she doesn’t let me leave her alone for one second and only naps when I’m out strolling her.
I’ve been in tears many mornings lately and I nearly dropped her last night as I was so exhausted. Told her dad I’m struggling with mental health but he doesn’t understand and probably thinks I’m just attention seeking.

i can’t stand the sound of her screaming any more I can never get her wind up and I try everything, I’m lucky if it comes up after half an hour, she never naps and struggles to get to sleep at night now, even though I’ve got her routine with reading a story etc. she must hate me as she’s always angry now. I don’t know what to do. I love and care about her but lately sometimes I feel like I don’t like her. I just want to scream but I can’t cos if I do the neighbours will probably report me to social services. I don’t know what to do I don’t even know why I’m typing this I just wish someone could help me cos I cannot cope at al!!!!!!!!! I feel like a terrible mother I know she can’t help it I just can’t cope.

I'm so sorry you are struggling the baby years are hard work. Do talk to your health visitor. Have you explored silent reflux. My daughter was an awful sleeper and un happy baby and in reflection I think this is what she had. Many a night I sat up right holding her.

It's so hard on your own. Does your lo spend time with her dad. Or grand parents. Would someone come and sit with her so you can sleep or do a few jobs. Just do what you can to get through these days. Your baby loves you and needs you. Don't doubt that.

Ahh you poor thing.
I'm not sure my post will be full of great advise but I wanted to reply as I'm not sure how busy this section of mumsnet is.
She doesn't hate you and you aren't doing anything wrong. You are her mother and the best person in her life.
Have you anyone else to ask for support?
Being a single parent is hard.
This is a very common situation with the baby unhappy and mum struggling.
Can you speak to a doctor/midwife or baby nurse for help with the wind and advise for you?
Maybe post specifically in the baby section for advise on wind?
I have been in your situation and I understand how hard it is. That was a long time ago now so I prob don't have proper up to date advise. My own baby is now a perfect 17 year old so I must have done something right !
Hold on and get some help in real life.

Sorry just reread my post and I shouldn't have said the baby is 'unhappy' - that should have said 'struggling with wind making her unhappy'.

Your baby doesn't hate you, she just can't communicate her needs effectively because she's a baby. If it's any consolation, I fantasised often about putting my first up for adoption when she was a baby because it was relentless.

If I could go back, i would worry less about routine at 5 months old. If she wants you to cuddle her to sleep, I'd go with it. I promise she won't forever. Would you consider talking to your doctor (or health visitor if they're still a thing?) Not brushing teeth for several days suggests a really low mood. Don't hide the fact that you're struggling, they're there to help not judge.

Sorry to hear her dad sounds devoid of empathy. Is he ever involved in her care?

You poor thing OP, sounds like you’re doing a great job and no one else could do any different.

echo speak to health visitor,
could be teeth (try calpol?)
could be hunger as she might be gearing up to need solids?

Could you contact your health visitor (look online for contact details for one in your area)? If not then please see your gp. It sounds v tough. Can any friend or relative hold her while you have a shower and a nap?

I was exactly where you are now, 30 years ago. The constant screaming and crying wore me down, I couldn't cope with it. Looking back I now see that my daughter had silent reflux, she was constantly sick too.
What helped me was getting a break from it for a few hours. Is there anyone who could do this for you? Also, at six months she began to have longer periods of no crying and it improved from there on.
Have you a Home start near you, funnily enough my now grown daughter had exactly the same with her newborn daughter, and this charity helped her to cope.
You are not a terrible mother, you're being tested to the extreme. I look back on my experiences and can't believe I got through it, it was a dreadful few months.

My little one had reflux, he only napped in the pram or baby carrier until he was 9 months! My suggestions would be try and get to bed early, shower in the evening, get dressed as soon as poss when waking up, batch cooking, and try and meet up with friends regularly :-) these are things that helped / help me. It will get easier x

That amount of wind and screaming sounds unusual for 5 months and I’d think it would be a good idea to get it checked out.

I very much doubt you’ve done anything to make her like that - sounds like you’re doing really well in very difficult circumstances. It’s awful listening to your baby screaming- I’m not at all surprised that it’s affecting your mental health.

Also do you have a bouncer or something where you can put her down in the bathroom while you brush teeth and shower? She might scream but it’s ok to prioritise basic personal hygiene for yourself. You need to be ok so that you can look after her.

It really does sound like silent reflux, or some sort of food intolerance. I know you are exhausted, but a feed/sleep/poo/wind/crying diary for a few days would be really useful for your HV or GP in order to advise you. I don't know how or what you are feeding her, but it is common to be intolerant of some components of formula or baby food. Is she constipated or has runny/smelly stools?

If she is not napping she must be dreadfully overtired and overstimulated, which causes a vicious circle of not sleeping. Do speak to your HV. It is horrendous when they don't sleep.

just popped in , as another lone parent, to say I know how hard and soul destroying it can be. mine are nearly adults now but I can still remember feeling desperate at times. Don't be down on yourself; everything is so hard and seems so much worse when you are so tired you don't know what to do with yourself.. this will pass. Don't be ashamed to talk to your health visitor . try to have a shower and brush your teeth even if you have to leave her (safely) in the next room. It will make you feel better. You can do this x

You poor thing. It sounds like she has reflux or some sort of pain, so a trip to the GP should help hopefully. It's nothing you're doing wrong. You sound like a fab mum who's doing everything right but anyone would be driven crazy by all the crying. 💐

Hi there hun, your post was a while ago now. I'm actually starting up a blog for new single parents and came across your post while doing research. OMG I know what you are going through almost exactly! You poor poor woman. No-one seems to know or understand and maybe even remember what it's like to have a new baby after so much physical work carrying and delivering the baby and then all the mental and emotional pressure that follow. When you add to this the fact that you have no-one to help, then the sleepless nights, the guilt, it's almost inconceivable that so many of us get through it and manage to raise healthy, happy human beings... but we do. And you will. I hope I can help.

First of all my advice is to just BREATHE really deep. You need to and deserve to take 3 mins to yourself to breathe and get yourself to place of relative okay-ness. This is if your little one is crying or not. It's hard to leave her but it is likely nothing will happen to a crying baby in 2-3 mins.

Second thing; you need to get help. Which borough/county do you live in? I can look up people to help you in your local area (if you're close enough, I might even come myself).

One of my saving graces was my local children's centres. In lambeth, South London, they have breastfeeding workshops with a registered paediatric nurse. These are a great place to start -- I did because, like you, my son wouldn't stop crying and it turned out he was hungry because he wasn't latching properly and I couldn't tell. They also have home visits with registered therapists for mums who are finding it a lot to deal with psychologically - a friend of mine used them and swore it helped her get through really tough times.

The children's centres themselves run sessions for you and baby to see a health visitor or other health professional and they are full of mums who are seeking help in one way or another so don't be shy or embarrassed. Your HV should be able to point you in the direction of the nearest one and they're usually walking distance. If not, just google search in your county for children's centres.

If you need a hand getting out the house, ask you HV for extra support, I got some from mine and it was gold-dust.

Let me know how else I can help. YOU are the reason I want to start this platform for single parents. There is not enough done to help people doing the hardest job in the world and it's just assumed we'll get on with it because so many of us have struggled through it before (but not without losing a few marbles!) I will offer any support I can, my love, so don't be afraid to DM me on here if poss or on Insta bravenewheart or Twitter ThisBraveNewHeart.

Please please please let us know how you get on.

Speak to your h v and g p
Not your ex.
Ask for support

Another one suggesting reflux.

I guess this is your first baby?

My older 2 didn't have reflux. They would feed, look all happy and contented and fall asleep. Just like you imagine happy babies do.

My 3rd baby was never happy. He never fed then fell asleep. He fed then fussed and cried and I wasn't sure if he wanted to feed more, or less, I basically had no idea how to make him happy. Didn't know if he wanted picking up or putting down, had wind, i had no idea and this was my 3rd time round.

See if you can get a gp appointment. The difference in ds once he had gaviscon was almost instant. Reflux doesn't always involots of throwing up milk.

Good luck op, it's hard going.

Massive spaces in that post, I'm sorry!

I am so sorry you are going through this. Do you have any support nearby?
I used to want to scream when people told me just to try to make sure I got out of the house once a day. That just makes you more tired and has zero affect on a truly unhappy baby.
My DS screamed every hour he was awake, and thrashed about all night in agony until he was 10ms old. I never slept more than 45mins consecutively the whole time. Then we finally got a paediatrics referral. He has an egg / soy / diary allergy. I was BF still and as soon as I cut those groups out he was a different baby. Could it be an allergy?

Thanks everyone for their replies. She was doing better with getting her wind up but wouldn’t stay down to sleep at all last night and has been crying most the morning. I have ended up having a terrible time myself and ended up self harming last night and this morning. I’d been calm and coping well the past week until last night. I’m the worst mother in the world, I told my baby I hate her, which I don’t, I just can’t cope again.

Please phone the GP and tell them how you are feeling. They can refer you to the perinatal mental health team who can offer support. Also phone your health visitor. Some areas have a home start service where someone can come and help you for a couple of hours a week to give you a much needed break. I'm so sorry it is so hard. Have you tried tilting her crib?

OP, who can you call/visit this week to get a little break?
Call a friend/your mum/your sister. Leave baby with them (after a feed) and go for a walk/coffee without baby for 30minutes/an hour/3 hours - whatever you feel comfortable with and your baby will cope with feed wise. She’ll cry but she’ll be fine, you’re leaving her with a competent carrying adult.
Then, when you get back, have some time with your baby, then swap - you friend/mum/sister takes baby for a walk and you have a nap.

You will feel better after a break and a nap, I promise.
You’re a great mum, you just need a second pair of hands for a bit!

Competent caring adult

Please speak to your Dr or health visitor. I seriously regret not getting help but I was ashamed and embarrassed that I couldn't cope. Is there a childrens centre near you? They may offer help and advice.
That period in my life was one of the worst experiences I've ever had, nothing helped my crying baby and I was at my lowest point. I really feel for you.
Is there anyone who will have your daughter for a few hours to give you a break?
Please be assured that you're not the only one going through this, it will get better but please ask for help now whilst you need it.