Advice on dating when being a lone parent

[laurenb9187]

So I am 31 years of age and only ever had one relationship in my life which was with my boys dad. I was with this man for 11 years , married etc but my relationship was toxic and was filled with domestic abuse. £ and a half years ago I left. I ended up homeless for a year with my two kids but I became stronger and have been safe. I am a lone parent I have no support from the boys dad and thats ok with me. Just over a year ago I met a man through my youngest child. He has a son of the same age and the boys are friends. Through the boys and through the football club we run together we have become best friends and we have a friendship that both of us value. In may this year I realised that I maybe had a bit of a crush on my friend and so I was ready to tell him and then just continue our friendship as normal but instead what happened was that his ex passed away suddenly. They hadnt been together in 8 years from when she was pregnant with their son but his life and his sons life changed overnight and he too became a lone parent although under different circumstances. since May we have been together ever day and spend hours into the night chatting just about life in genral and helping each other out. A few weeks ago I had strong feelings for him and so I decided to tell him so I was not taking advantage of our friendship. His reply was that he had to focus on his son at present and I totally understood this. However since this time we have become closer still and he has now admitted he has feelings for me too but hes scared to hurt me. Last weekend we got together just the both of us and we kissed and spent a full night just talking and it was lovely. From there we decided to maybe start a FWB relationship and I agreed to this. However since then though we both seem to have fell way to our own insecurities and pushed each other away. If Im honest with myself I have really strong feelings for this man and Im scared by them, one because my kids are my priority and two because I dont feel good enough for him. I tried to have a conversation with him that I dont think FWB wuld work because of my feelings and hes basically replied saying we dont have time for anything else and he is right we really dont have the time to commit to each other. We are both so busy with our kid , our work and everything else we do i.e run the local football club etc that we genuinely wouldn't have much time for each other. We dont have a coparent to rely on to help look after the kids and any free time we do have away from kids is very limited. I suppose I'm looking for advice. Do I start a fwb relationship with him knowing I feel more for him or do I just walk away from him even as a friend. I know myself that I do not have the time for a relationship and because of my past I am scared to attempt it but I also know I really like this man and he is nice and geniuine and makes me feel safe. I am so confused and dont have many friends to talk to about this. So if there is any other single or lone parents out there that have ever started dating or had FWB does it work?

I'm a lone parent too - absolutely no involvement from my kids dads.

What jumped out at me was your need to label what you are to each other. Does it really matter what you call each other - why not work out what you both want from each other. Do you actually know what you want ?There are young (and probably traumatised) kids here and you need to step carefully.

I do have a relationship now - but I have been clear about what it is I want/need/can offer someone and so has he. Not sure what you'd call it really though. I think this may be what you need to work out. What do you want, both now and for the future (without getting too ahead of yourself - do you want to marry or stay independent for example) ? What can you realistically offer to him in terms of time and attention ? What do you want back from him and what can he offer you ? I had to accept that my life will never look how I thought it would when I was younger and come to terms with that. Almost grieve for the idea of that perfect family and home. I suspect this may help you - you need to give up the idea that all relationships look the same and that you can make up your own "rules" between you.

I have been clear that I will not marry again, nor live with anyone while the children are at home if at all (and they are still young so we are talking many years here). My children are my priority and they have been through a lot. As such, I will cancel on seeing him if I need to. Anything I need to do for/with them, I will. I will not stand for any crap over doing that.

He also has children who have been through a lot and he has them way more than 50% of the time including all weekends. I think this helps him understand where I am coming from and also reduces his availability - which I understand and accept.

There is no link between our children so our lives are not enmeshed in that way and I am cautious about keeping things separate. All the children need lots of TLC and we try to ensure that they get it. Practically, it limits the time we can spend together but I'm lucky to have family help so I can pop out once the kids are in bed or we facetime a lot.

However, I am not into casual so if someone is sleeping with me I expect that they are not sleeping with anyone else. I cannot do a traditional fwb thing. I need to know he is there if I need him (and vice versa) and if we can help each other with anything, we will (from talking through problems to putting up a shelf).

It is hard, because sometimes it reminds me of what I cannot have. But it is also great having someone who understands what I am able to offer and feels enough for me to be able to accept that. He makes me feel calm, safe and happy.

I don't know if any of that helps - but good luck.

It's too late now but before you confessed how you felt to your friend I would of asked him FIRST about he would feel dating someone and if he felt ready just to get a feel of the situation.

I would step back from this man because I don't think he feels the same as you do, so to suggest a FWB giving that you talk so much is not going to work for you.

Have you thought of online dating?

In all honesty I think you may end up in a situation that hurts you. It sounds like if you go ahead with the FWB it would be with a deep down hope that it develops into something more but it sounds like he's quite set and clear on his expectations of where he would want things to go. Obviously things can and do change but if you already have an attachment to him that's more than the FWB status then you would be leaving yourself vulnerable to feeling rejected or used if nothing further develops. It is be completely your choice but from what you've said, it sounds like you already know the answer but are scared of losing what you have or more so what could be. If you think the friendship can work then keep it going but if its creating more negative feelings or false hope then maybe take a step back to evaluate what's best for you.