Being the only one responsible for everything

[SpinningFloppa]

Everyone tells me they find being a single parent easier than being in a relationship but I just don’t get how? Or where I’m going wrong? I find it very difficult being the only parent responsible for everything. For example my daughter is behind at school and needs to stay after school for some extra Phonics, I reluctantly agreed but this means picking my others up at 3 and then hanging outside the school for an hour, I know it’s only once a week but my oldest is autistic and I live too far to be able to go home and come back so we will have to hang around outside the school, parks aren’t really an option as they are too busy after school. I just hate being the only one responsible for everything. It’s not just that it’s everything being the only person to deal with everything.

It is easier than being in a relationship with a dickhead. I think it would be lovely having someone else to share the load, but in my case, my ex added to the load instead of sharing it...

Yes it would be easier than with a rubbish partner but surely a supportive partner is easier than being on your own? I see people saying even then it’s easier alone 😳 I see so many dads at the school would be nice to share the load with someone.

I understand. I think perhaps those that say it’s easier on your own also have some support network, maybe their own parents to help. I had years parenting alone and caring for an elderly parent. Wherever I went, both my children went, for years. Now my dc are older, my elderly parents are gone I miss being able to talk over important decisions with someone. I feel the weight of sole responsibility very heavily and I’m not sure those that have partners can fully understand.

Yes I’ve also thought the same that they probably have a big support network, I only have my mum but she doesn’t help with my children.

I can't imagine how hard it is not being able to just have a whinge at bedtime!

With regards to your example though it would still be all down to me. It's common in relationships with 2 parents for one of them to do school pick ups. In spite of flexible working there is usually one parent that works less as they are the ones to do school pick ups. 🤷🏻‍♀️ my husband gets in early at 5.30 but still
Not early enough for school stuff.

I understand your friends to an extent, sometimes it's like having an extra child but that's probably as my husband is useless at life stuff. Emotionally he's very supportive though. I think that's what I would miss, just a share of the stress. My eldest has developed severe social anxiety post covid and I am so glad I have some help as I get so frustrated!

However now 2 of my kids are teens the later after school stuff would not be practical without 2 of us. They'd just have to not do it.

Fwiw I think anyone who copes alone as a parent is incredibly resilient, especially with a child with any kind of SEN. I don't want to sound patronising as I'm sure you get it but seriously the emotional load of being a parent is huge. I'm not sure I'd do that well tbh.

It's not so much the physical side of being a lone parent but the emotional one of not sharing the load even if it's to have a laugh about something silly the kids have done or a moan when they've been naughty

Yeh I guess it’s not just that I do realise the school run might fall to one parent usually it’s more the whole being responsible for every last thing and it’s just another to add to the long list. There are so many dads down at the kids school so its hard seeing all the involved fathers.

It does drive me mad to be honest but I've somehow survived.
You mention that one of your children is autistic, that'll be putting on far more pressure than you realise. One of my DC's has had challenging behaviour for ten years and everything has to take them into account.

Could you ask the school if there is an app with a game so your daughter could practise phonics at home. I understand op. Everything is easier without my xh but that doesn't mean that it's easy. I honestly find that having my slow cooker on a timer is a big saviour. It forces me to be a bit planned and at the end of the day I have a tiny bit of headspace I'd otherwise be using to prepare and cook with.

Hey xx how long have you been on your own?. I think it's trial and error tbh. I think things evolve and change. There are times when it's tough and times when it's easier.
It's taken me a good few years but I have a good network around me. My mum is excellent but apart from her I also use a couple of local child minders,. Which I can then claim 80% of the child care costs back as I'm on universal credits. Some how it works. But regardless of how much help you get as a single parent you do do it all by yourself.
How long do you have to wait in the car for? Can you use this time to do the other children's home work/reading? Saves you doing it once your home.

Cooda.

Ha ha I was just about to talk about using a slow cooker 😁.
Also do the children have device's? If so let them use them while waiting.

I don’t drive which is why we can’t go back as the bus would take too long unfortunately, and now the weather is colder. I’ve been a single parent for 6 years now so not early days, my mum doesn’t help me as they are my children (that’s what she says anyway which is fair enough) so I do it alone with no support.

It's not really relevant that even in a two parent family that one parent may be responsible for pick up etc etc, unless the other parent does absolutely nothing to help ever (I'm talking mowing the lawn, fixing stuff, doing shopping, ANYTHING..) then it's not comparable at all. My mum used to say to me well I was on my own with you all day when dad was at work, as if that was comparable to me being a single parent.. people just have no idea what it's like.

But yes I'd say it's probably easier alone if the other parent was an arsehole. Even if you're having to do more stuff at least you don't have the stress and resentment that comes with being in a relationship with an areshole.

OP I am a single parent. I get it.
I feel the weight of the responsibility. More than I should I think.
I worry about money. Cos it's all on me.
I worry about my job. Cos it's all on me.
I worry about the house. Cos it's all on me.
My child is the best thing about it all but sometimes I want a rest. Cos it's all on me.
There've been really hard times with my child's behaviour. It's just been me dealing with it all.
I get it. I don't have a solution but I get it

I agree. This makes me so mad too.

Thank you both, yes it is annoying, I am responsible for everything I get some parents only do the school run but it’s more than that it’s everything and just another
problem I don’t need Right now, It’s raining here today Sod’s law so no my kids won’t want to go and sit in a wet park they are not toddler who would enjoy jumping in puddles, they won’t want to play on anything as it will be wet and slippery, I’m the one responsible for everything all drs appointments, hospital, dentist, school, everything and I don’t get why this is sold as a good thing now to sit in a cold wet park for an hour

Hi All.... Am looking for some direction. After having a conversation with my 13 year old about the importance of multiple income streams etc he has now said he wants to start a clothing line of tracksuits to begin with.

Am already very overwhelmed with work, home and other stressors ( lone parent with no support) but want to guide and support him .I do not know where to start with this. Any suggestions please ...

I guess it's marginally better than sitting in a cold wet park being resentful of a useless husband, or while having a text arguement with a twat (just a couple of examples of the added stress involved in being in a rubbish relationship!).

I hear you, OP!

I'm totally frazzled today. All the responsibilities are crushing. My ex does at least take them 1 mid-week night & EOW. Otherwise I would be totally loopy.

I was trying to explain it to friends the other week. They genuinely thought that being a single parent was the same as having a husband who worked away sometimes or long hours only a little bit poorer.

They thought they were as busy/stressed as me despite having high earning husbands, family nearby & working very part time (18-26hrs a week)

I got a bit snippy & told them their lives were a piece of cake by comparison.

Thanks I’m glad to hear it’s not just me, I still feel bitter and angry about him even though we aren’t together (I don’t know why that means I wouldn’t) he doesn’t see them at all and I can’t help but feel angry that he has completely abandoned them and takes no responsibility at all. The responsibility Just feels endless.

Think of it as just a chapter in your life that will pass, and before you know it, it will have passed, and your kids will be more independent, so it won't be so hard, find something to do for yourself. You are doing an important job!