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Lone parents

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Original poster

Do you have a plan in place for where your children go if you die before they grow up?

51 replies

noproblemlove · 31/10/2022 22:26

Sorry quite morbid. But a friend of mine has just died suddenly from Meningitis aged 40, he has 3 kids
I'm a single parent (21, 10 and 2)
It's made me think where would my daughter go if I pass away suddenly.
I'm assuming My middle son would go with his father as he is on the birth certificate
My DDs dad is awol.
My mum is 64 and no very fit and able
My brother is in an abusive relationship so I wouldn't want her to go there

Would she be automatically put in care or if I write where I would like her to go will that be granted (with my cousin)
I'm so sad he has passed and I've been having sleepless nights thinking about this now.

OP posts:
Original poster
noproblemlove · 03/11/2022 16:38

Thank you everybody. Is it expensive to do a Will?
I'm guessing typing something up on Microsoft word and signing it won't suffice...

@caroleanboneparte no he's not on the birth certificate. I would turn in my grave if she went with him

OP posts:
Augend23 · 03/11/2022 16:44

noproblemlove · 03/11/2022 16:38

Thank you everybody. Is it expensive to do a Will?
I'm guessing typing something up on Microsoft word and signing it won't suffice...

@caroleanboneparte no he's not on the birth certificate. I would turn in my grave if she went with him

If you want to do a simple will you absolutely can do that. The signing has to be witnessed but there are guides to it. However, there are often "free will" offers around which are safer unless you're fairly confident. Lots of charities will do a free will for you in return for a small bequest on your death.

BigFatLiar · 03/11/2022 16:45

noproblemlove · 03/11/2022 16:38

Thank you everybody. Is it expensive to do a Will?
I'm guessing typing something up on Microsoft word and signing it won't suffice...

@caroleanboneparte no he's not on the birth certificate. I would turn in my grave if she went with him

You can get forms but best see a solicitor to have it drawn up.
Think through as much as you can and make notes before you go.
Costs will vary based on the solicitor and also the complexity but a wise investment.

MintJulia · 03/11/2022 16:49

Yes. I'm a single mum with a ds (14).

Ex is selfish and lazy, ds doesn't like his new woman, so if I die, dsis is my chosen carer for ds. Dsis & a solicitor get control of the funds and will use them to provide for ds until he is 25.

Ex would want ds IF he came with the money & house but otherwise probably not full time.

DS would probably want to become a weekly boarder at school and then choose for himself where he spent holidays and weekends.

But I'm doing my best to make sure he doesn't face that circumstance. Only another 4 years to go.🤗

Hbh17 · 03/11/2022 16:55

All parents should make arrangements for guardians for their children, single or not. Husband & I were nominated guardians for my best friend's daughter, prior to her turning 18 - it doesn't have to be a family member, but it should be discussed so that you know they are willing & also appropriate financial arrangements made. Recommend that you see a solicitor about it.

MovinOnUp · 03/11/2022 17:00

This keeps me awake at night.
My eldest two's biological "father" is rubbish and never sees them.

Hopefully if it's just me that pops my clogs the eldest two would be able to stay with my partner, he's raised them since being 6 and 8, I don't know the legalities of this though.

Our youngest is only 6 months and if both of us were to die I hope that my first mother in law
(eldest two's nana) would take all three children, it would be the only way all three could stay together.

She is awesome and treats our youngest as one of her own, signs cards 'love nana' etc so I think I have to have this conversation with her and maybe get something set up legally.

summerlovingvibes · 03/11/2022 17:06

I made a Will when my first DD was born and amended it when my second was born to state guardianship choice. At the moment obviously DH would have them but if something terrible happened to both is us at the same time .... it's an awful thought but gives me some peace knowing that we have a choice and agreement as to what would happen.

I've also had a conversation with my mum, sisters and BIL to tell them what we would want, and they are all aware.

It's very easy to make a basic Will with guardianship choice and will give peace of mind x

SquigglePigs · 03/11/2022 17:09

I'm not a single parent so I don't pretend to understand to stresses involved in that but as a couple we've asked (and set out in our will) DH's sister to take DD if anything happened to us.

It's an important conversation to have.

Mumoffairy · 03/11/2022 17:12

Yes, of course. We named my parents guardians when DS was born. My dad had some health issues recently though and isnt very fit anymore, so we changed it. They will now go to my sister. I asked her and her DH and when they said yes i had a document drawn up.
I think its just a suggestion though. Like they will go there until everything is sorted and if the place isnt suitable, then the kids will
still go into care.

megletthesecond · 03/11/2022 17:13

I put my mum and sister as guardians in my will.
Their dad has zero contact and tbh my mum has enough money and evidence to fight it if he'd ever appeared. Luckily I have teens now anyway so they would get a say.

GigantosaurusRex · 03/11/2022 17:17

Not a single parent but we have made a will and nominated DS to go to my parents in the event of us both dying. We both have child free DBs, neither of who make much effort with DS and he doesn't know either of them very well. All of our friends with similar aged children live further away and if would be far too disruptive for DS schooling and friends to move - and of course he wouldn't know them well enough either. DS sees my parents most days, my mum does the school run and it would be the least disruptive to him. We did discuss if with them and ask permission first before we saw a solicitor.

Cuppasoupmonster · 03/11/2022 17:34

Yes, all agreed my sister and her hubby will take our daughters, along with a very healthy amount of money that should mean she doesn’t have to work if she finds bringing them alongside her own kids (that she plans to have) to be a big job. She’s very kind and maternal. Of course the arrangement is reciprocated.

expat101 · 03/11/2022 17:43

We had an agreement that ours would go to their Godfather, and that was bypassing my DP’s who couldn’t cope with babysitting once.

Nottodaty · 03/11/2022 17:50

It’s a real difficult one. I love my sisters but I don’t think either of them quite have the time and their own lives and families.
I reckon my elder daughter (19) would want to take on her sister but she needs her own life - so we chose our best friend. He may not seem the most obvious choice to our family but I know he would bring the girls up in a way we would have done - follow dreams etc

My Mum isn’t an option she wouldn’t support going to uni or you work for the rest of you life make sure the choice is worth it! She has no dreams and would just want them working anywhere.

My Husband sister could be an option but we aren’t close - I think she would bring the girls up well but they don’t really know her sadly :(

illiterato · 03/11/2022 17:51

Yes- DH’s sister, who the dc are v close to. All GPs adore the DC but realistically they are all in their late 70’s and may not survive to see the children grow up, plus I’m not sure they really have the energy to do it. My sister is too flakey- by her own admission- she moves country at the drop of a hat and parties a lot. DH’s brother has 3 kids of his own.

MovinOnUp · 03/11/2022 22:48

Off the back of this thread I texted the question to my first mother in law (but I got custody of her in the divorce) and asked her if she would have all three children and I'm delighted to say that she told me she is honoured to be asked and that I've probably saved her a heap in legal fees as she would fight tooth and nail to get custody of all three of them should something happen to me and DP.

It's also kicked me into gear for getting wills sorted out and starting legal proceedings for DP to legally adopt our two eldest.

Not that I think XH would fight DP for custody if I passed away but better to have it all squared away I think.

Thank you for starting this thread @noproblemlove

Nik2015 · 03/11/2022 22:51

You need to do a legal will and appoint someone to look after her. Do this with your solicitor, but ask the person first obviously.
Our solicitor also wrote in the event of our deaths, our house will be paid off (with insurance) and then rented out. The rental money goes to who we have asked to look after DC and our DC will own the house.

Justmeandme19 · 04/11/2022 00:15

Who ever was asking about cost. I had mine done last year by a solicitor carn't exactly remember the cost but less that £300.
Well worth it, don't under estamate the peace of mind it gives you. Also you can stop worrying and thinking about it after it's done.

mondaytosunday · 04/11/2022 00:22

Write a will and after consulting the named person, say who you would like to have guardianship. The guardian will then have to accept or reject this on your death. You can also write a letter (I can't remember the term for it), stating things like education preferences. And yes I have done this - my late husband was a lawyer and made sure our wills were up to date.

falllakes · 04/11/2022 00:28

MovinOnUp · 03/11/2022 22:48

Off the back of this thread I texted the question to my first mother in law (but I got custody of her in the divorce) and asked her if she would have all three children and I'm delighted to say that she told me she is honoured to be asked and that I've probably saved her a heap in legal fees as she would fight tooth and nail to get custody of all three of them should something happen to me and DP.

It's also kicked me into gear for getting wills sorted out and starting legal proceedings for DP to legally adopt our two eldest.

Not that I think XH would fight DP for custody if I passed away but better to have it all squared away I think.

Thank you for starting this thread @noproblemlove

That is such a nice post to read.
It should never be needed but just in case.

Happypanda22 · 04/11/2022 00:46

I am sorry for the loss of your friend.
Another one saying we put this in our will who was to be guardian in unfortunate scenario where we both died at same time. And meant we could choose people with shared values and which would maxinise consistency eg no need to change schools . I saw It like life insurance - unlikely to be useful but a backup - but so much much cheaper (and you can use a charity to do this or just do WH Smith and do some online reading which probably won’t take any more time that lieing awake worrying).
It is extraordinarily unlikely but gives peace of mind (and also much easier for those left behind).
and then one thing you never have to worry about again.

brookln · 04/11/2022 00:55

I knew a kid from childhood she was at grandparents, her parents were driving home and crashed and both died.

If parents are relatively young and die suddenly, quite often it's an accident. Plane crash, hit by another car, car accident - can happen to parents being together whilst kids are babysat.

So I think it's worthwhile doing the will even if parents are still together (not solo parents).

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 04/11/2022 08:00

MovinOnUp · 03/11/2022 22:48

Off the back of this thread I texted the question to my first mother in law (but I got custody of her in the divorce) and asked her if she would have all three children and I'm delighted to say that she told me she is honoured to be asked and that I've probably saved her a heap in legal fees as she would fight tooth and nail to get custody of all three of them should something happen to me and DP.

It's also kicked me into gear for getting wills sorted out and starting legal proceedings for DP to legally adopt our two eldest.

Not that I think XH would fight DP for custody if I passed away but better to have it all squared away I think.

Thank you for starting this thread @noproblemlove

What a lovely lady.

Xiaoxiong · 04/11/2022 10:33

I'm sorry you're having sleepless nights over this - I found that once DH and I discussed it, organised wills and had it all squared away it brought a lot of peace of mind. We also organised life insurance that would pay off the mortgage and pay for the kids' education and support so they would be taken care of financially as well and not be a burden to the family bringing them up if something happened to us.

It's worth planning ahead and then as soon as you've done your plan, you can put it entirely out of your head and sleep easy Halloween Smile

Ocampa · 04/11/2022 12:37

When I was pregnant I wrote to all immediate family that if we both died DD has to go to cousin X and I sent my cousin a letter that in the event of us dying I wanted her to bring up our child (I asked her first of course). I couldn't change the actual will until she was born because I needed her date of birth for that.

It doesn't have to be family, if you have a dear friend then ask her/him.