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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Do you have a plan in place for where your children go if you die before they grow up?

51 replies

noproblemlove · 31/10/2022 22:26

Sorry quite morbid. But a friend of mine has just died suddenly from Meningitis aged 40, he has 3 kids
I'm a single parent (21, 10 and 2)
It's made me think where would my daughter go if I pass away suddenly.
I'm assuming My middle son would go with his father as he is on the birth certificate
My DDs dad is awol.
My mum is 64 and no very fit and able
My brother is in an abusive relationship so I wouldn't want her to go there

Would she be automatically put in care or if I write where I would like her to go will that be granted (with my cousin)
I'm so sad he has passed and I've been having sleepless nights thinking about this now.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 31/10/2022 22:30

Whatever you find out it’s normal to think about it but you need to stop obsessing over it- chances are higher you’ll live to see your daughter turn into a lovely adult. I always worried as I have certain values etc and I worried about the kids being brought up differently but my relatives have mellowed since. We do still have to make a will though. Sorry for your loss op

CherrySocks · 31/10/2022 22:33

You can appoint a guardian in your will. If you google "custody after death of lone parent" there is information online.

CaronPoivre · 31/10/2022 22:34

We did as we wanted them to be together to be raised by friends rather than family as more akin to the values they'd grown up with. We had several close friends as trustees overseeing all arrangements and finances until the youngest was 21.

APurpleSquirrel · 31/10/2022 22:36

When we had our DC we discussed this & decided to make my DB & SIL our children'a guardians; & we in turn are guardians for my DN.
You need to decide who you think could/would do it & then ask them.
Sorry for your loss Flowers

SpinningFloppa · 31/10/2022 22:37

Mine would go into care

FourChimneys · 31/10/2022 22:38

We had written agreements with close friends who had very similar parenting styles to us. They would have taken our DC, we would have taken theirs. We had it done with solicitors, like wills. It would have included selling both houses and buying a bigger one, keeping all the DC at their current schools.

Fortunately we never needed it but it was very reassuring all round.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 31/10/2022 22:39

It’s a sensible thing to plan. You can make a will with a solicitor and ask your cousin if they’re happy for you to appoint them as guardian.

Original poster
noproblemlove · 31/10/2022 23:47

@SpinningFloppa 😢 that's a sad thought

OP posts:
Original poster
noproblemlove · 31/10/2022 23:48

Thank you @CherrySocks having a look now 😊

OP posts:
Sarahcoggles · 31/10/2022 23:49

Would your 21 year old not take the 2 year old?

falllakes · 31/10/2022 23:51

I'm not a single parent but yes our dc have guardians in the event of their parents death.
Arrangements for that and how it would be funded form part of our wills.

Original poster
noproblemlove · 31/10/2022 23:58

@Sarahcoggles wouldn't be my first choice tbh. He's a bit scatty and lives with his girlfriend and her parents.

OP posts:
LocalHobo · 31/10/2022 23:58

I think your 21 year old would be the default. An ex- neighbour of mine was a guardian to her deceased brothers children. Her 19 year old nephew lived with his 14 year old sibling. I know social services (or could have been a charity) were involved as well. My neighbour was unhappy about the situation, but it was what the DC wanted and her brother had informed her of their choice when he was dying and asked her to support it.

Justmeandme19 · 02/11/2022 16:42

Yes I've got mine all written in my Will. The thing to consider if you want to nominate friends is to check they don't have an agreement with someone else. I have asked family members. One family member in particular but I also have a second person named, just in case.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 02/11/2022 16:57

stayathomer · 31/10/2022 22:30

Whatever you find out it’s normal to think about it but you need to stop obsessing over it- chances are higher you’ll live to see your daughter turn into a lovely adult. I always worried as I have certain values etc and I worried about the kids being brought up differently but my relatives have mellowed since. We do still have to make a will though. Sorry for your loss op

I completely understand the OP's worries. Better to have something in place and put it out of your mind. Sorry for your loss @noproblemlove

We have been meaning to update our wills but never seem to get around to doing it, which isn't good as a friend has sadly just died suddenly, leaving DC's, no will and complicated family dynamics. My DS would go with a specified family member.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 02/11/2022 17:07

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 02/11/2022 16:57

I completely understand the OP's worries. Better to have something in place and put it out of your mind. Sorry for your loss @noproblemlove

We have been meaning to update our wills but never seem to get around to doing it, which isn't good as a friend has sadly just died suddenly, leaving DC's, no will and complicated family dynamics. My DS would go with a specified family member.

Show quote history

Unfortunately this is the 3rd change as previously nominated guardians now have illnesses which would make taken on our DS difficult.

Rosenotred · 02/11/2022 17:09

What a sad post. I think DS dad would step in.

We have family on both sides and my child is Christened too.

Justmeandme19 · 02/11/2022 17:41

Rose. I think it's more sad to not think about it tbh the consequences could be dreadful. My children carn't go with the other parent it's a massive peace of mind knowing I have done all I can to protect their future, whether I am here or not.
I think we need to not shy away from having these difficult conversations.
I have also written my children a letter each. The letter is uplifting and positive. Something to take with them and cherish if the worst happens.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 02/11/2022 17:51

Justmeandme19 · 02/11/2022 17:41

Rose. I think it's more sad to not think about it tbh the consequences could be dreadful. My children carn't go with the other parent it's a massive peace of mind knowing I have done all I can to protect their future, whether I am here or not.
I think we need to not shy away from having these difficult conversations.
I have also written my children a letter each. The letter is uplifting and positive. Something to take with them and cherish if the worst happens.

Agreed. Tragedies do happen sadly and I want to make sure my family doesn't have the extra burden of wondering what's best for my child.

BigFatLiar · 02/11/2022 18:06

It's like everything else that you really don't want to face up to, you hope it never happens but best to prepare.

One of the men at DHs had the problem that his brother and SiL died fairly close in time leaving a young family. He was single no kids, he put his life on hold and raised them. People often step up in these circumstances.

Roselilly36 · 02/11/2022 18:36

Yes this was all covered in our wills, usually the responsibility goes down a generation, in our case it went up. Our children are adults now, so thankfully it was never necessary, but always good to plan for an unforeseen unfortunate event.

AuntieEntity · 02/11/2022 20:18

My siblings are named in my Will as guardians for my DD, and I have a life insurance policy which will provide financially for both my DD and whoever becomes her primary carer. My ex is absolutely useless so it was important to me that I had stuff in place, and that everyone knew what the situation was.

Bells3032 · 02/11/2022 20:24

We discussed this when I was pregnant and put it in our will and let family know of our decision and they all agreed that my sister was the right choice.

If you put it in your will it should be honoured but think social services will just chdck them out and honour it as long as its a stable environment for them.

caroleanboneparte · 02/11/2022 22:11

If her dad is on the bc, regardless of contact/ relationship she will go to him. It's then up to him to decide who she goes to.

Justmeandme19 · 03/11/2022 08:03

Carolandboneparte.

I think that's the default. My child's father is in their birth certificates, but there is a no contact order in place. I have seeked level advise and told that the children could just go and live with my preferred relative. That yes the courts would see their father as a default but if he didn't know, or the matter wasn't taken to court, no one would really know. Not to make the children's guardians formal but to just put my wishes in my Will. I understand that my situation is not the same as everyone else though.

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