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Lone parents

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Original poster

Does anyone else feel they just exchanged one miserable existence for a new version?

28 replies

Newsinglemum58 · 28/10/2022 21:44

Getting out of an unhappy marriage and finding that on the other side isn’t necessarily a chance to skip merrily into the sunset with someone great, but instead to struggle with living on a single wage, managing a house and kids alone, co-parenting difficulties and kids moving between two homes. The loneliness of an empty home one minute and doing it all the next.

Sad that I’m sort of wishing these years away until I’m older and the kids are grown up. This is nothing but a headache. Wish I had never married in the first place.

I know this is a very negative and depressing post, but unfortunately it’s how I’m feeling at the moment! My youngest is also having problems (probably caused by the split)… yet more reasons to be stressed and feel guilt/like a failure.

just wondering if anyone else out there can relate, or has a positive story where it turns out well in the end to give me hope…

OP posts:
Whattheactualfucking · 28/10/2022 21:47

Yup. 100%. People keep telling my I did the right thing but really? 6 of one half a dozen of the other. This is damaging for everyone too.

singlemomof3 · 28/10/2022 21:54

Did you instigate the split OP?

Original poster
Newsinglemum58 · 28/10/2022 21:57

Yes, and no regrets in terms of wanting to be back together. It wasn’t happy/working or a healthy relationship unfortunately… still, didn’t quite expect life on the other side to be this challenging. Naive of me I suppose.

OP posts:
ConfusedNoMore · 28/10/2022 22:00

It is HARD. In my case, it is better as ex was abusive. But once life settles down after the initial trauma, it is just a slog. I have no help. I've had to work hard on acceptance and lucky I can afford counseling.

If I was less exhausted I would think of something more profound to write.. but I'll have to settle for saying just that I get it.

SpinningFloppa · 28/10/2022 22:04

I agree with you. I made my own post, sick of people saying it’s better when you leave, for me it isn’t at all.

madmaxine33 · 28/10/2022 22:14

Sounds really shit but is this a recent split? If so you're probably still adjusting. Things will hopefully improve as you settle into this new way of life. Do you do much during your kid free time? I think that's really key to keeping healthy and happy.

Original poster
Newsinglemum58 · 28/10/2022 22:17

Glad it isn’t just me feeling this way, though I’m sorry others are finding it tough as well. I think ‘slog’ is a great way to describe it. It’s just relentless most of the time. Working, cleaning, washing, packing bags, unpacking bags….. feeling overwhelmed, then getting child free time and feeling relief/anxiety/not sure what the hell to do with myself. Normally end up just catching up/resting to prepare for the return of the kids. But I guess, this is life now….

OP posts:
Original poster
Newsinglemum58 · 28/10/2022 22:18

It’s been three years now since the separation… happened a few months before lockdown.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 28/10/2022 22:22

Yes, it was hard being a single parent. Very hard. Often very bleak and always hard work.

But my baby is 40 now, and although her life isn't easy, it's far better than we could have imagined.

napody · 28/10/2022 22:25

How much time do the children have with their dad? Mine have a good stash of clothes at their dad's so laundry isn't just down to me, although there's still a fair bit of toing and froing with school uniform and stuff.

I love my child free time to be honest and have stopped pressuring myself to do stuff... if plans come up then great, if not enjoy not having to cook for others and just pottering and chilling (and gardening in my case). I don't do much housework when they're not here... get them to tidy before they go and mission round cleaning for an hour then just leave it! Do you have friends around to make some plans with?

goldfinchonthelawn · 28/10/2022 22:26

SpinningFloppa · 28/10/2022 22:04

I agree with you. I made my own post, sick of people saying it’s better when you leave, for me it isn’t at all.

I agree. We didn't split but nearly did when DC were small. I HATE all the LTB messages on MN. Educate your man. Mak ehim share the load. It's boring and you shouldn;t have to but unless he;s an out and out shit, you will eventually get parity and a bit of free time. Meanwhile at least he shares the bills and can keep and eye on DC while you bathe or go out to the shops etc. Lots to be said for that..

Redwineandroses · 28/10/2022 22:28

It just sounds like you're in the early days. For me, it's always felt like I'm "free.." I can hand the dc over and happily just go home without having to put up with his shit. But our marriage had really run its course and I was so so unhappy, nothing in my single life ever feels as bad as having to put up with that man.

I'm a number of years down the line and I'm a little set in my ways now. I joined a fitness club and that's become a good habit, I used to go when the dc were with their dad but now I can go anytime as the dc are older. If you build good habits and social opportunities now, even if you can only go when dc are with dad, in years to come you'll find you can do a lot more and you'll have the foundation period behind you. Same with career, I've just taken on full time work now in a much better role having spent those part time years to gain experience and qualifications.

Don't look back and think it was shit then and it's shit now. Think of it like it was shit then and would most likely have stayed shit, whereas now it might feel shit but you can make it better as you're free from someone you were unhappy with!

SpinningFloppa · 28/10/2022 22:31

goldfinchonthelawn · 28/10/2022 22:26

I agree. We didn't split but nearly did when DC were small. I HATE all the LTB messages on MN. Educate your man. Mak ehim share the load. It's boring and you shouldn;t have to but unless he;s an out and out shit, you will eventually get parity and a bit of free time. Meanwhile at least he shares the bills and can keep and eye on DC while you bathe or go out to the shops etc. Lots to be said for that..

Show quote history

My life was definitely easier with my ex around even though he wasn’t great it was easier it doesn’t always get better I think the people quick to jump on LTB don’t take into consideration multiple children, disabilities, lack of family support, which means sometimes leaving isn’t the easier option.

Nopeforme · 28/10/2022 22:32

Slog is the right word.

I get fed up being the only responsible adult in the house. All the cooking, cleaning, mantenance, gardening, etc is on me. It would be so much easier to be able to split the work with someone else.

It dies get better as DC get older. Mine are teens and don't need entertaining. No longer toys and lego all round the house. Even if dealing with teenagers is hard, at least I have a somewhat tidy environment compared to toddler years.

napody · 28/10/2022 22:35

Redwineandroses · 28/10/2022 22:28

It just sounds like you're in the early days. For me, it's always felt like I'm "free.." I can hand the dc over and happily just go home without having to put up with his shit. But our marriage had really run its course and I was so so unhappy, nothing in my single life ever feels as bad as having to put up with that man.

I'm a number of years down the line and I'm a little set in my ways now. I joined a fitness club and that's become a good habit, I used to go when the dc were with their dad but now I can go anytime as the dc are older. If you build good habits and social opportunities now, even if you can only go when dc are with dad, in years to come you'll find you can do a lot more and you'll have the foundation period behind you. Same with career, I've just taken on full time work now in a much better role having spent those part time years to gain experience and qualifications.

Don't look back and think it was shit then and it's shit now. Think of it like it was shit then and would most likely have stayed shit, whereas now it might feel shit but you can make it better as you're free from someone you were unhappy with!

Good post!

WhatsitWiggle · 28/10/2022 22:46

Six months separated here, I'd never want him back (I instigated the split), and I don't feel the crushing dread of coming home I used to, but the day before changeover is a mad rush of washing and drying and a fair amount of the "mental load" with regards our child still falls to me.

It is early days though, and we've agreed to spend more money on clothes so DD doesn't have to pack each week as much as it's getting all of us down. She's a teenager now and more or less stopped growing, so in theory this won't be as costly as it sounds as she doesn't grow out of clothes, just get fed up of them.

marlowe5 · 28/10/2022 22:49

It can be tough so I do hear what you are saying. But every time when I am doing endless taxiing to clubs in the evening for DCs - a job I hate - and am now doing double than when I was with my ex, I always think all this is a small price to pay for not having to put up with all the irritations and stresses of having to living with him. As another poster says, I cherish the time when I have a bit of space and peace to myself and at least I'm not dealing with an adult child as well as my actual DC now. Yes there are endless house jobs to do, but before I had to ask so many times to get him to pull even part of the weight, that I'm also relieved of that stress where I'm waiting for another adult to do it and they never get round to it!

Ginandthings · 28/10/2022 22:55

2 years in now and it’s definitely a slog, sometimes it all feels a bit never ending. I really struggle with co parenting as exh is awful at communicating and often sulks. But I’m relieved everyday that I don’t have to live with him when he’s sulking over something ridiculous.

PositiveLife · 28/10/2022 23:25

Newsinglemum58 · 28/10/2022 22:18

It’s been three years now since the separation… happened a few months before lockdown.

I expect the slog of lockdown hasn't helped either.

I'm a few more years down the line. It's hard. I'm always tired, I'm always juggling loads of stuff, I'm worried about having just one income and the ex is often hard work. But no matter how hard it is/has been, it's been better than staying where I was. My kids are teenagers and one of the best days was when the eldest told me she was glad I left because I'm so much happier and I do so much stuff now.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 28/10/2022 23:36

goldfinchonthelawn · 28/10/2022 22:26

I agree. We didn't split but nearly did when DC were small. I HATE all the LTB messages on MN. Educate your man. Mak ehim share the load. It's boring and you shouldn;t have to but unless he;s an out and out shit, you will eventually get parity and a bit of free time. Meanwhile at least he shares the bills and can keep and eye on DC while you bathe or go out to the shops etc. Lots to be said for that..

Show quote history

Very presumptuous of you to assume women are making these enormous life changing decisions because of bickering over housework! I'm sure if marital problems could be fixed by 'just make him do it' they would have tried that first! Ridiculous and naive thing to say.

Back to OP. There's one important difference between your old life and your new one. You now have the potential for things to get better. That was never going to happen while you were stuck where you are.

I'm 5 years down the track and life is better in every way. It gets easier as the kids get older and you have more time to be yourself and not just mum. I'd really recommend making use of any time you have without kids to start building yourself up again, whether that's education, fitness, socialising etc... whatever helps you feel good and opens up opportunities for the future.

Original poster
Newsinglemum58 · 28/10/2022 23:38

@PositiveLife ahh that’s a great thing to hear from your teen!
I agree with you - no matter the struggles now I know that staying in the marriage would’ve been too hard and gone against every instinct. If I’m unhappy sometimes now, I was miserable and numb and depressed then. Going through a separation in lockdown was awful awful timing for sure. Even more lonely, isolating and hard to access any support networks at all.

OP posts:
Tigertigertigertiger · 28/10/2022 23:40

Yes felt exactly this.
mumsnetters are often guilty of insisting how much better you’ll feel if you split up.

not always true

CrapBucket · 28/10/2022 23:43

I get it OP. I find it wonderful to be free of ExH, but relentless parenting teenagers. One or other always seems to opt out of going to their dads so I am constantly responsible for someone. I don't want to wish away the last bits of their childhood. Being the only adult is hard going. I don't regret the split but just wish I had married someone better but still had the same DC to be honest.

SallyAnn32 · 29/10/2022 17:10

I'm slightly jealous of all this free time. My ex left after an affair and although I'm over the heartbreak and can admit that I'm happier without him than I was with him, I get no time to myself. My eldest DD has no relationship with her dad (we are working on it) and my youngest DD goes once per fortnight if I'm lucky. I do all of the sports clubs and all of the running around. It's exhausting so I totally get that.

I think being a single mum is hard whatever your child arrangements but I suppose the meaning for my post was to say enjoy it. Like other posters have said, join a fitness club or just do something it's impossible to do with the children around such as have a cuppa in peace, meet friends etc.

I have met someone new and we rarely get time alone. My DD1 is always here but we know we're lucky to have her and that one day we will get an evening our even a weekend away.

I hope it improves for you. Being a parent in any capacity is tough isn't it.

SallyAnn32 · 29/10/2022 17:10

CrapBucket · 28/10/2022 23:43

I get it OP. I find it wonderful to be free of ExH, but relentless parenting teenagers. One or other always seems to opt out of going to their dads so I am constantly responsible for someone. I don't want to wish away the last bits of their childhood. Being the only adult is hard going. I don't regret the split but just wish I had married someone better but still had the same DC to be honest.

I often have this wish too 😂