Father not looking after child correctly

[Dolly1991as]

I don’t know what to do. I’m not with my child’s father and he isn’t looking after my child correctly.
My child is 5 years old. he doesn’t brush her teeth. Brush her hair and the clothes are never ironed. She comes home with food on her face. It’s a serious problem

Because I’m probably to blame I do everything for her and she’s never learnt to do it herself

It's important to define what is and is t actually important.

So teeth brushing is important, it sounds like this is something both of you need to work with your DD on, you should not be brushing your DDs teeth at 5yo. She should be able to do this herself and he should be reminding her morning and night.

Ironing - if that's a criteria then I'm a bad parent because I can't even remember where my iron is right now.

Hair brushing - how do you know this isn't being done and just getting messy, can DD brush her own hair?

At 5 I wouldn't really expect her to get food all over her face when eating! Only if it's a particularly messy meal like spaghetti bolognese.

None of this stands out as neglectful, more about different standards or presentation. If she is generally happy in herself and happy to be seeing her dad and spending time with him. If she's not happy then you need to speak to her to understand what is happening.

Teach her how to do these things herself.

Not ironing. Ironing is just a pointless faff for even an adult imo

I really feel for you, it would break my heart.
French plait her hair before she goes, pack let a little bag with some wet wipes and an electric toothbrush and paste plus some clean knickers.
At home teach her to brush her teeth and wipe her own face and change her undies every morning after breakfast and wipe her face and brush teeth before bed. If she learns to do it at home with you she'll get in to a good habit and it will help her to remember.
What do school say she. She turns up looking unkempt?

Ironing a non issue really.Teeth cleaning is not great .Can you supervise her at home ,Little toothpaste on a nice new teddy toothbrush or suchlike? Some dads seem to be so lapse ,but I doubt a court would class this as a problem . Can she wipe her face herself with a small packet of wipes /flannel .At 5 she should be able to do that I think .Sadly not much power over fizzy drinks or junk food just healthy food /fruit /veg at home with you

What he does with his child in their home together isn’t your business unfortunately. You get no say on if she eats lots of sweets or stays up late or brushes her teeth. It’s the same when she’s home with you, her father gets no say on what takes place during the time you and her are at home together.

Aside from talking to him there is nothing you can do. This doesn’t count as a safeguarding or neglect issue.

I look after her through the week so she goes to school looking very neat and tidy it just weekends that she is unkempt . Her clothes are clean when she returns just not ironed. She always has clean knickers on

Maybe take this opportunity to teach DD to be a bit more independent. She should be able to brush her own teeth and wash her own face.

As the others have said, the teeth brushing is the only real concern here.

I'm in the same situation in that my DSDs mum isn't the best. No set bedtime, rarely get bathed, hair always a mess, ill fitting clothes, lets her sleep in her clothes then wear then again the next day, questionable diet. Not much we can do about it as she's still fed and clothed.

It's hard and you have the right to feel upset about it. It's sad feeling that DD is not getting the best care possible but sadly there's not a lot you can do if she's not in immediate danger. Make sure you keep a diary of anything not right though.

Teach your daughter to brush her teeth and wash her face, and empower her folio after herself. With you, and away. Give up on the ironing!

Does he take her every weekend? When do you have downtime with her?

The teeth is an issue. Everything else is not.

Off your high horse. My dentist recommends parental help until they are at least 8 and then still close supervision

Speak to your ex, tell him your concerns, look for it to improve, if it doesn't officially there isn't much you can do to be honest.

Because they are not taling a holistic view, looking at it only from a dental health POV, not from a child development point of view and the harm done by extending the infantilisation of children.

Is getting some harsh replies here, a 5 yo shouldn't have to be self reliant!

Was everyone's kid reliably brushing their own teeth at five?! None of mine were. Maybe they're just grubby little oiks but they'd try and get out of it at every turn.

Teach her how to use a flannel and brush her hair if it's not curly or really long. Agree with electric toothbrush - they do help with reluctant brushers IMO!

Agree none of these things are a problem apart from potentially the teeth. Of course she should be brushing her own Getty as a matter of habit by now. Maybe you'd need to go over every now and again but if she'd been taught since a toddler like most dc she'd probably be quite proficient by now. That's probably the only thing you can do here to help the situation. Who cares if her clothes are crumpled - I don't iron either.

My ex DH did this years ago. DD was 3 I think and he would have her for the weekend. His girlfriend was living with him. DD would come back dirty in the same clothes with her bag untouched. When challenged he just said that he thought she would be cleaning and dressing herself. Think he was either completely clueless or just not interested. Girlfriend wasn't interested in having his child around either.

one child did her own teeth and needed crowns, the other we are doing it until she turns 8 and if fine so far... so i will stick with what the dentist recommends.

but i agree though that for the OP @Dolly1991as it's better 'some' teeth cleaning than none

So she has clean clothes, they are just not ironed, this really isn't an issue at all. I haven't used an iron in about 3 years and then it was a dress for a special occasion. I think your belief that her dad should adhere to your standards on this is unreasonable.

The washing and teeth cleaning are an issue, but a small one. I would use this as an excuse to teach her about self care and why it is nice to be clean. Teach her how to brush her own teeth "like a big girl" and explain that big girls wash themselves and brush their hair and teeth every day. She might not get it right at first but it will be good for her in the long run.

Try having an adult conversation with her father rather than come onto the internet for help.

None of that sounds like neglect. It sounds lazy parenting but not neglect.

It's absolutely not necessary for clothes to be ironed. We don't own an iron.

The teeth brushing is an issue now, but she really needs to learn to brush her own teeth at this age.

I did he told me to f@&@ off but if I could I would delete this thread

You can swear here you know! No need for the twee little @@

Sure they shouldn't, but in practice OP's options are:

1. cut down contact and run a serious risk of being dragged to court, losing, and the DC spending more time with their dad
2. teach DC a good self care routine, send them with the supplies, and nicely ask the ex if he could please try and support her toothbrushing.

I know which one I'd go for.

IMO, mothers do sometimes have an unhelpfully binary view on care provided by fathers. "He doesn't look after her the exact way I do, therefore he does it Wrong, and I don't like or value him any more so there is no value to DC in having contact with dad". That is not how DC think, and it's definitely not how a court thinks.

I’m surprised by these responses. Imo not washing a child/brushing their teeth does amount to neglect. Obviously a 5 year old is not going to/should not be expected to do this independently. Can you have an informal discussion with NSPCC about it? Or talk to a solicitor about reducing contact?