Trouble with 13 year old son

[stevemo]

I'm a single dad with two kids, 13 year old boy and 19 year old daughter. I've brought them up by myself for the past 8 years. They're good kids, happy, healthy etc... except since starting secondary school my son's behaviour is all over the place/

I don't know whether he's being overly influenced by his friends (some of them are 'troubled' but I've always welcomed them at home. I was a troubled kid too and I understand them and they like to come over because they feel accepted and wanted), whether he's angry at the pressure placed on him at school - the school is over the top strict - whether its because he's just hit testosterone fuelled teens, whether his energy can't be contained or whether I've not disciplined him enough.

For instance, him and friend took his mother's friends car at 3/4 in the morning, luckily they didn't have an accident, he recently did something seriously out of order but made amends quite quickly, and he's had a trustees' warning at school which means he's not so far away from being thrown out of school.

I don't know what to do. He's essentially a good kid with a kind heart but I'm struggling as to what I can do to bring back on track. Any suggestions, pointers, tips, advice would be really welcome. Thanks

Wow taking a car is v serious- I was not expecting that! Honestly as he is still young at only 13, I would look at what other schools are an option and I would do all I could to get him out of that friendship group if you think this is their influence. It won’t do him any good if that’s the câliner of friends he has. Are you fixed on living where you do? I would see if I could change his school and social life and spend a year trying to reset him on a better path. No one will give him a medal or extra grades at school for hanging around with ‘troubled’ kids as you put it, out of kindness… what are they bringing to his life?? Doesn’t sound like much. I would put him first and try and orchestrate a better circle for him. Best of luck x

*calibre of friends not câliner!

I hate to say that I agree with skxoxo you need to act NOW.

I have 2 teen DS (18 and almost 16) and I've always watched their friendship groups really carefully. I don't mean banning friends or anything, but encouraging friendships from a young age and making them aware of what makes a good, stable friend. I've also always kept a very close eye on where they are, strict rules about where they can go, and times to be home. Obviously, the 18 year old is an adult now (and at uni) but I still keep strong tabs on the almost 16 Yr old. I speak to him all the time about why we make rules/ decisions and he respects that. He's sporty, so that helps, as he has other friendship groups through these and a gym membership.

You should seriously think about moving his school and house - if you can-and getting him involved in sports/ scouting/ hobbies to build new friendships. I say this with the knowledge of an acquaintance who's DS, 15, has gone down a slippery slope over the past 2 years because of peer group and influences from his environment. She hugely regrets not taking action immediately, and feels he's now lost .

Meant to say, taking a car is really serious. If my DS had done that he'd be home for months and moving school immediately.

Thanks sjxoxo and Puffalicious. You both say the same thing. And you're both right. I appreciate your honesty. I don't think changing schools would make such a difference, given that the schools are all in the same area. I'm going to get him to change his friends. I think I may have been a bit too accepting. He is very much into basketball so we'll focus on that. If it proves too difficult to separate him from his friends then I'll move somewhere else. A simple solution but a bit difficult to do, but very important at this moment in his life. Once again, thank you both.

You sound like a really engaged parent. Your first step is talking to him and being honest about your thoughts. I really do think you need to orchestrate new friends and seriously consider moving.

If you ask for this to be moved to chat you'll get more traffic.

Good luck.