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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Clothes & child contact patterns

23 replies

ProseccoOnIce · 29/09/2022 20:07

My ex & I share the kids with the contact pattern: me the majority of the time, they are at his 1 mid-week night, EOW & 50% of school holidays.

He is a high earner (double my salary) & pays maintenance.

He seems to have an expectation that I provide clothes for DC to wear at his home.

What do other people with this contact pattern do?

OP posts:

MumE78 · 29/09/2022 20:13

Why wouldn't you want your child to be able to wear their own comfy clothes and expected to have a whole new wardrobe at the other parents?

Sounds like your getting a good deal IMO

TwoWeeksislong · 29/09/2022 20:19

He should definitely have the basics at his house - a pair of pjs, a pack of underwear and socks, an extra school uniform shirt, and a couple of ordinary daytime outfits. Expensive stuff they grow out of annoyingly quick - all shoes, coats, summer holiday clothes, sports gear etc should travel back and forth as needed.

PatriciaHolm · 29/09/2022 20:21

There's no reason clothes supplied by the father wouldn't also be their own comfy clothes! He has them plenty often enough to buy them clothes, of course he should. Ideally the clothes belong to the child and they can easily take them back and forth, especially things that become favourites, but I appreciate that requires a level of co-operation between parents.

DP has similar, a little more possibly, and has always bought clothes. Things go back and forth between houses if DSD wants them for something, say a party.

Original poster

ProseccoOnIce · 29/09/2022 20:23

Drop-off's and pickups are via school, so kids go back & forth in uniform rather than their own clothes.

He's totally crap at laundry/returning it, but that's a different story.

Sports stuff eg football kit is also shared. And winter coats/school shoes.

It's more weekend/ school holiday clothes that I am meaning.

OP posts:

Fghkjsin · 29/09/2022 20:27

Absolutely not, otherwise you end up packing, unpacking and of course doing the laundry.

He has a full set of whatever is needed at his house.

The only exceptions to the rule are the more expensive one off items such as shoes and winter coats.

WoooahNelly · 29/09/2022 20:34

No, otherwise poor DC would have to have a mini suitcase to take to school. They only need basics; pants, socks, night clothes and at least one outfit and couple of t-shirts, they would already have outerwear. Mine do take their favourite bedtime toy between houses.

Katapolts · 29/09/2022 20:36

MumE78 · 29/09/2022 20:13

Why wouldn't you want your child to be able to wear their own comfy clothes and expected to have a whole new wardrobe at the other parents?

Sounds like your getting a good deal IMO

Why can't dads buy their children comfy clothes

lunar1 · 29/09/2022 20:37

He needs to provide clothes, the children need to be able to relax though and not have mum's clothes/dad's clothes anxiety. They also shouldn't be living out of a suitcase, they aren't going on holiday when they stay with him.

Original poster

ProseccoOnIce · 29/09/2022 20:52

Thanks for the replies.

I'm in agreement about not taking suitcases of stuff between homes, and it wouldn't be possible anyway since they'd have to take it to school.

Despite his 85K salary, I don't think he is providing adequate clothes for them. He has managed to buy himself a new top of the range car though.

And if I send things, they often don't get returned.

This last part is a bit of a drip feed (apologies) but I didn't put it in the OP as I wanted unbiased replies, based on the contact pattern.

But in the 2 years we lived together post-separation, I had to buy almost all their clothes.

OP posts:

Crunchingleaf · 30/09/2022 09:13

I personally don’t provide clothes for the weekends. In my case he doesn’t pay maintenance so the least he can do is buy a few bits. DC will take the hobby clothes with him though as it would be silly not to.
Since your kids are being collected from school I don’t think it’s fair to have them carrying around extra stuff especially if it doesn’t usually come back.

BeNice01 · 30/09/2022 10:19

As a parent, meeting the children's needs included having appropriate clothes for them.

He should not expect you do pack and wash clothes for the children's weekends with him.

I would also expect him to share the costs of school uniforms, wellies, backpacks, scooters and other bits that are likely to travel between homes.

Original poster

ProseccoOnIce · 30/09/2022 10:27

Thanks again, for the measured responses.

Apparently I am "filling their heads with poison" when I ask for things back & he considers it their possessions where they can choose to wear them.

But when they don't come back, I then have to replace them, having bought them in the first place.

And I always return stuff he has bought them.

OP posts:

BeNice01 · 30/09/2022 14:03

ProseccoOnIce · 30/09/2022 10:27

Thanks again, for the measured responses.

Apparently I am "filling their heads with poison" when I ask for things back & he considers it their possessions where they can choose to wear them.

But when they don't come back, I then have to replace them, having bought them in the first place.

And I always return stuff he has bought them.

Not getting clothes, especially nice ones back, is annoying. One solution is to the children to go to there father's home in clothes that you are not precious over e.g a bit discoloured, tired or ragged.

underneaththeash · 30/09/2022 14:06

MumE78 · 29/09/2022 20:13

Why wouldn't you want your child to be able to wear their own comfy clothes and expected to have a whole new wardrobe at the other parents?

Sounds like your getting a good deal IMO

How would you know? The OP hasn’t said how much she’s getting in maintenance.

coats etc should travel, normal clothes not.

AndSoFinally · 30/09/2022 18:03

If changeover is via school, then go to his in uniform, he washes it over the weekend, and then they come back in the same uniform after school Monday.

Anything they need over the weekends, he buys

Isaidnoalready · 30/09/2022 18:07

Primark basics go over there plain joggers plain tshirts etc nothing nice children instructed to return with uniform and coats leave him to launder the rest

Original poster

ProseccoOnIce · 30/09/2022 18:14

@AndSoFinally - he is generally shit at domestic stuff & that unfortunately doesn't happen.

I bought extra uniform to compensate for this.

OP posts:

MangoBiscuit · 30/09/2022 18:20

Of course he needs to provide clothes for when they're at his. He's paying maintainence with a reduction on the basis that he incurs the costs when they are with him. This includes housing, food, and (shock) clothing.

If he really is incapable of being a functioning adult with regards to your children's clothes, then I suggests he asks you politely if you would mind buying and looking after extra clothes so that you can send stuff over for his contact time, and asks you how much extra maintainance he will need to pay you to cover the cost of said clothes, and the service of you washing and packing them for him.

AndSoFinally · 01/10/2022 21:04

@ProseccoOnIce so what is he sending them to school in?

Original poster

ProseccoOnIce · 01/10/2022 21:33

@AndSoFinally - they go to his in school uniform, so he just accumulates it there.

I've said I'll collect it on 2 evenings a week, but there's rarely anything there.

I wouldn't care if it came back un-laundered. It's entrée than not getting it back.

Have spoken to the school about it & they are aware of the situation.

OP posts:

WeeblesWibbleWobble · 02/10/2022 20:52

We have absolutely everything for dsc at ours always have done.
A because its their home too
B because their mum would send literally in rags, too small, holey stained clothes.
C because cms is calculated at a lower rate for shared care meaning we provide when theyre here.

So pants, socks, pjs, hair bands, clothes, shoes, trainers, hair brush. Own wardrobe full basically , smellies, coats, jackets the lot.

WeeblesWibbleWobble · 02/10/2022 20:54

Also they arrive in uniform Fri. It gets washed ironed and returned to school wearing it Monday. Like wise pe kit washed and returned.

School hols. Arrives in normal clothes. They are washed ironed packed away to return home in the following week.

Ihatethenewlook · 02/10/2022 20:55

MumE78 · 29/09/2022 20:13

Why wouldn't you want your child to be able to wear their own comfy clothes and expected to have a whole new wardrobe at the other parents?

Sounds like your getting a good deal IMO

Wtf? If their dad actually bought them some clothes how would they not be their own and comfy? They’ve got two parents and spend a lot of time at each. They should have their own belongings at each. They’re going to their dads, not going on holiday. They shouldn’t have to pack a bag every single week to spend time with their other parent.

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