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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ending child support

17 replies

NotChained · 22/09/2022 16:05

Just looking on thoughts on ending child support.

Ex and myself have a personal agreement and I paid slightly above csa recommendation.

Ex lives with DC 17 who was at college, and DC 20 who has a full time job. Ex works part time, ex also takes board from DC with full time job, whilst claiming benefits. I suspect this is cash in hand and not disclosed.

DC 17 has decided to leave college and has got a job so as per guidance has been informed that Csa will cease. Ex is not happy and has rang hurling abuse. Ex has known about this for a while but tried to keep quiet to receive more payments.

Ex seems more concerned about losing the payments than for DC and then said DC will have to pay rent, which is fine as DC is working and almost an adult.

Ex wants to take more off DC than DC is earning, and when they said they can't pay that they are taking all their wage. Queue ex trying to make me feel bad saying they can't believe I have done this, what About DC how will they live, if I've washed my hand so will they, they aren't supporting DC.

I have advised DC if they need anything to let me know. I've even offered DC to move in with me. I will buy food, clothes or anything they need while they find their feet, I won't provide money as I worry it will just be taken off them by ex, but my duty as a parent hasn't stopped I just don't want to finance ex anymore as the money is going in their pocket and not to DC.

Am I right or wrong in this scenario? Before benefit my ex claims about £500 off other parties alone. I feel guilty but have told DC I will support them whilst they find their feet.

The obvious option for ex would be to find full time work as neither DC are dependant however ex receives more in benefits (as csa is not taken into account when claiming), csa, board and working part time than they would full time working.

OP posts:

CiderJolly · 22/09/2022 18:38

She doesn’t have to declare board on UC- but she will have a deduction for having a non dependant in the house (now 2).

I don’t see why her benefit situation is any of your business anyway.

I imagine the kids even though grown up and working still cost her money, especially the 17 year old. Morally I think you should still contribute for the younger one.

gogohmm · 22/09/2022 18:46

I think giving the younger one direct support is fine. It does sound like she will struggle though - the balance may be to give 3 months notice of ceasing support to allow her to find additional work

Original poster

NotChained · 22/09/2022 20:48

@gogohmm ex will not find further work or pick up more hours. I have no problem contributing directly to DC however I can't keep financing ex and their lifestyle.

@CiderJolly ex is not on UC but I've been living on the breadline barely able to cover bills whilst ex is raking it in, buying designer items. I would obviously still provide for DC but would rather do so directly whether that be purchasing food, clothes etc.

I can't keep financing my ex its not my job to finance a grown adult because they did not plan ahead, what would ex have done when DC college course ended?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/09/2022 20:55

Give what you can afford to the DC. As earning adults they can negotiate rent and contributions etc with her and you don’t need to be involved at all.

If they can’t afford it or don’t want to stay there they don’t have to. I find I've even offered DC to move in with me odd. What do you mean by “even”. They’re your children too.

LittleOwl153 · 22/09/2022 21:09

Maybe your DC need to work together and find a flat share which you can help them with if need be? They can both then claim a wage top up in universal credit if their income is low to pay the bills..

I would cease the payments to the Ex and keep your offer open to the kids to move in with you and see where things go from there.

barelyfunctional · 22/09/2022 21:19

If you’re in England then I’m fairly sure children have to stay in some kind of education until they’re 18.

You could offer to make the payments to your child instead of your ex.

Also echoing what PP said about ‘even’ offering to have them live with you. They’re your child as much as they are your ex’s!

Original poster

NotChained · 22/09/2022 22:49

Not sure why people are grasping at the word even and making something out of nothing. I never once said they weren't my child, however I know DC does not want to move in with me as is it further away from their place of work. I did still however offer knowing DC would most likely say no for ease of access to work. I have said the offer is always there for them no matter what.

You are correct about the UK and education however DC will be 18 by the time the next term of college starts.

OP posts:

Gingerkittykat · 22/09/2022 22:58

How much will your 17 year old earn?

They still need financial support at that age since it is likely they will be on a very low income and they still cost money to feed and clothe.

How much are you currently paying? You say none of it goes on the DC but I'm sure she feeds, clothes, buys bus passes etc.

Gingerkittykat · 22/09/2022 22:59

Oh, and who are the other parties she claims £500 a month for and what is it for?

CuteCillian · 22/09/2022 23:03

I would cease the payments to the Ex and keep your offer open to the kids to move in with you and see where things go from there
I agree with this, you seem more than reasonable.

CantFindTheBeat · 22/09/2022 23:05

the 17/18 and university ages can be a really hard time, OP.

The 'rules' imply that non-resident parents can expect to reduce/remove their financial responsibilities and contributions as children become adults, but the reality can be quite different.

What does your ex-partner say, OP? Are they still providing a home for your DC?

Wombat100 · 22/09/2022 23:22

CuteCillian · 22/09/2022 23:03

I would cease the payments to the Ex and keep your offer open to the kids to move in with you and see where things go from there
I agree with this, you seem more than reasonable.

Me too - I think OP is being reasonable.

Ex sounds like she needs to get off her arse and get a full time job.

Ponderingwindow · 22/09/2022 23:29

If your children have chosen to end their education, they should be prepared to be self-supporting. You aren’t wrong to stop payments to the ex. I would however have a serious conversation with the kids about figuring out their life plans. If they aren’t earning enough to live on, they need to be figuring out how they are going to change that situation.

user443741922 · 23/09/2022 00:51

Completely agree with you.

Their mum can now find other ways to fund her lifestyle and you can decide how much/if you want to send money to DD instead. It isn't a shock for her this was going to happen so just ignore the abuse.
DD can use the money however she wants going forward.

Original poster

NotChained · 23/09/2022 08:58

Thanks I'm going to give directly to DC and help them out until they are financially stable.

OP posts:

Putdownthecake · 23/09/2022 09:11

I would also stop payments to mum but the 17 year old won't suddenly cost nothing. I would also encourage dc to pay rent. If dc thinks they could live with you for free or with mum who charges then that'll cause issues. 17 is almost an adult so should be encouraged to pay some keep if working.
Mum should have better prepared. This was always going to happen.

Original poster

NotChained · 23/09/2022 10:34

@Putdownthecake DC would not stay with me for free they would have to contribute something if working. Although I would make this fair based on their wage, and put it away in savings.

OP posts:

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