Dealing with child’s father

[Quavers17]

I’m really struggling mentally and I guess I need to find a way to try not to care. Split from my ex two years ago when my daughter was 2.

when he met a new gf she had no interest in his children. (He also has an older son) so he followed suit and basically barley saw them for a year. Didn’t call her and would constantly let her down. I tried hard to ask him to make more effort and that his daughter misses him. But he he didn’t seem to care.

He has subsequently split from this gf and has been with a few others and all occasions has introduced my girl to them at the very start. which I think is confusing for her as there’s a new gf every month.

however my real issue is trying to get my head around that he can just pick and choose what day sees her. He works shifts so every week his days off are different so very hard to get a routine. he knows what he is working well in advance and I have asked so many times let’s work out what days your having her over the following weeks so we both can plan ahead. This never happens.

he will tell me what days he can have normally the night before. I normally agree unless we do have plans as I want my daughter to have that relationship with her dad. However. It will often be the case that he will say he will have her then tell me he can’t as he has plans or that he needs to bring her back to me early. I don’t get how it’s ok to do that and I’m supposed to just say ok thanks. Why does his plans with his gf come before spending time with his daughter.

I don’t doubt the he loves her. But the lack of effort he puts in makes me sad. He will do stuff with her based on the current gf and he will not spend quality 1-1 time with her it’s always with the gf. I know I have no right to dictate what he does with her it just frustrates me.

it frustrates me that he can just tell me sorry I can’t have her this week. Yet if I turned up to his with her and say I’m going away for a week he would refuse. He’s never had more then one night with her. He never took any time of during the school holidays to be with her yet he went away with his gf twice.

I just need advice on how to move in from this and not let it work me up as it causes me so much anxiety when he messages and when I ask him anything he never replies. I try not to mention to him that he needs to make more effort anymore as I did it for a year with no luck but sometimes when my girl is crying for him I do send him a message to get in contact with her. But I’ve being doing this for over a year now. And I can’t keep reminding him to contact her. I know I need to stop but I just don’t know how to not care about his actions.

I can't advise - I'm sorry. But I feel your frustration. My stbx and I were married 20 yrs and together 23 yrs. We have 12 and 15 yr old kids and he was a great dad. Then in January he started an affair with a woman he met through work and then just left. Since then I know he's been away on 2 holidays with her and her child and yet didn't ask to have our 2 kids even 1 day during the school holidays. This is because I've refused to have the kids meet the ow or her child. He's moved quite a way away so obvioulsy that complicates things as well but to see the lack of effort that he puts towards the kids breaks my heart. He could have taken them away (minus ow and her kid) but he won't do anything without her. And then he blames me for not letting him see them. He at the very most sees them for a few hours ever other weekend (1 day) but has gone 7 weeks without calling or seeing our daughter. He's so loved up and in his words 'has moved on'. I am still in shock even 8 months later. I'm heartbroken for myself but for my children - I really can't stand that pain he's put them through. My poor son is so sweet and sensitive. I honestly think it would be better if he just disappeared now.

@Threecrookedhearts thank you for replying.

Im sorry you are having to deal with that situation. It does take a while to heal and 8 months is not long in the grand scheme of things. Especially where you have given him 20 odd years of your life and 2 children. It’s callous how they can move on so quick. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Things will ease for you in time.

I will Never understand how they can just walk away from their own children. My ex is exactly the same in the sense that his gf will be priority over his children. and that is what I cannot get my head around. He’s been the same with the last three girlfriends so I honestly think it’s him and his need to be loved. Yet he can’t see that he has beautiful children who love him. How can they go away without their children and not feel guilty. How can your ex enjoy a holiday with someone else’s child knowing his children are not there. It’s so sad.

ive just found out today that he has broken up with this new gf. This is the third gf in the space of a year he has introduced my daughter too. He has also allowed my daughter to stay at the gfs houses and also in the same bed with them. That’s another story. I’ve told him so many times to wait a while before he introduces. But No. he does what he wants. I wonder what goes on her head and what she thinks all these women are around her dad for. I can only hope where she is so young that it’s forgotten about when she’s older.

I think I prob need to be strong like you have and refuse him to have her unless it’s just him and her as I cannot allow this to happen again to daughter with the next gf. I’m will absolutely fuming if he does. The problem is he lies and tells me he is staying at his house and the next day I ask my daughter where she slept she says in bed with daddy and gf name. It’s very inappropriate situation which I don’t feel I can do anything about. I’ve been told by cab that he can do what he wants with her unless I feel she is in danger. It’s crazy.

It’s a tough situation OP. You can’t make another person change and step up. Your right that you can’t continue chasing him so that he will actually see her. There is a chance that he could drop in and out of your daughters life always. There is only so much you can do to protect your daughter from feeling hurt by him. It comes down to you to be the stable, reliable parent who gives your child the consistency that she needs.
I know he works shift but is it a particular pattern like 3cycle ot 4 cycle. If you were to find out what the shift pattern is it could help you put structure on his access. Tell him your daughter is available on whatever days and if he doesn’t turn up then it’s on him.

Meant to add you can’t control what he does with her on his time no matter how ridiculous it is to the rest of us.

@Crunchingleaf thank you. It’s what I need to hear I guess. I think he will not change and will be in and out of her life like you said. It’s me trying to keep it consistent so he has her at least once a week. But maybe I should stop and let him make the contact as it causes me so much stress when I ask when is he having her this week and doesn’t reply.

And yes I will always be the constant in my girls life. I know I can’t tell him what to do. It’s just so hard when you feel it’s completely wrong but I guess that’s for me to deal with and my issue.

He knows what he’s working months ahead and I can normally work out what days he has off I’ve tried to say right you can have her this day. But he will turn round to me and say he has plans so can’t have her. So he will goes weeks without contact. Which is up to him and his loss. But it’s my struggle to understand why he can just do that and I have to change my plans or workout childcare because he lets us down. unfair that men can just walk away from their responsibilities. I just need to learn not to care I guess.

is it best I stop calling him so my daughter can talk to him and leave it up to him to make the contact. I just don’t know what’s in her best interests.

All you can do is your best. I think if she asks to speak to him you could call him for her and if he doesn’t answer then he is busy and let him call back. I would be very wary of saying no to her when she wants to talk to him, because you don’t want her to feel like you are the barrier here.
I would stop chasing him about contact because he will never change and it’s not reasonable to continue this for next decade. At this age it can be tricky trying to manage her expectations. She will be excited to see him but you have to find the right balance of not building up her excitement (aka manage her expectations) but not being overly negative either. Facilitate his access where appropriate.

Sounds tough op- he’s clearly an absolute twat. I don’t think you should ‘stop contact’ but I’d leave him to it and not initiate anything. You can protect your daughter as best you can by being her rock and not letting him dictate hot and cold or introduce every woman he bags to her- don’t let him see her last minute and insist he gives you a few days notice. Best of luck to you xox