I need a judgement free rant!!

[Cupofteaonesugar]

And I'm aware I'm probably not going to get that on MN but hoping I might find someone else in this position!

I am SICK to my back teeth of the hobby dad who acts like he's super dad to anyone who will listen to him. I'm sock of him waiting his opinion on when he's interested in the kids and then bam all of a sudden looses interest and starts letting them down and I have to pick up the pieces. I'm sock of him thinking were equals when we're clearly not. I'm sick of the fact I have to miss out on half their birthday and Christmas despite the fact that I carry most of the load all year!!!
And please do not judge me for this... but it absolutely pains me that the kids think he is the super dad he makes out and the fun parent.
I don't want my children any less, I don't want the load to be less. I just wish the dad would piss off!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for the rant, I'm a nice person really 🙈

Wrong place to ask for a judge less rant

better ask on netmums

Also please replace all the socks with sick 🙈😅
Bloomin autocorrect!!!

Haha signing up as we speak!!

No judgement here OP... I hear you entirely

Thank you!!!!! 😩😩😩😩😩😩

I hear you do you have to tell him what the kids want for Christmas and birthday too? Even when ds13 TELLS him what he wants he asks ME on the doorstep infront of ds to let him know what they want for Christmas then whines to people I send a pissy message saying "as ds already told you he wants xyz for Christmas" this is "wrong" because it gives the impression that he has spoken to his child and he likes to tell everyone I don't allow that and that I dictate what gifts he can and cannot buy

Omg that sounds so frustrating!
I don't have to deal with this. I have him telling me he's getting them something or "not much" as he doesn't want to spoil them.... and then does the absolute opposite so we end up getting the same thing. One year he got 2 bikes 😳

Don't get me started on bikes I can't ride well I can't coordinate well so it's not my "skill" he can after we split he kept going on about teaching ds to ride so I sent the bike over with grandad to be fixed and to teach him they fixed it sent it back to me I said no he wanted to teach him to ride so grandad took it back brought it back AGAIN "dad said you need to teach me as he lives on a hill" no there is a park right on his road nice and flat he can teach you there grandad chimed in with he said no you need to teach him you have him all the time he only has him a couple of hours....why is that my fault?

We went back and forth for awhile the bike ended up staying there but they never taught him to ride and the bike got scrapped

No judgement here.

I hear you Isaidnoalready, it breaks my heart the skills the dc could be learning if xh hadn't left us. They flat out refuse to try things with me and are apathetic. They're not of the age I can force them. When they're with xh he does nothing with them except gaming all day. His defeatist attitude to life has rubbed off.

I'm gutted and struggling with seeing other dc with their dads playing normally I desperately wanted/want them to be active and full of life like I am.

I'm in a very bad place in terms of my resentful thoughts. I must try to let it go. Btw I'm very upbeat with them and never badmouth their dad. I do what I can with them - often involving bribes/rewards for activities that other dc might see as treats, even going to the park or getting ice cream

It's particularly galling as I was neglected by both parents as a child, and I want to give them a much better start. But they resist it and it drains me every day.

Sorry for the rant.

I hear you OP, tbh the best thing my ex did for our son was to totally fuck off never to be in touch again for 15 years. True to form, in case someone says an uninterested dad is better than no dad at all, he waltzed back into our son’s life ( son wanted to see him and he was old enough to make up his own mind) his dad was all over him like a rash for about 6 months then fucked off again leaving me to pick up the pieces.

No judgement, I can completely relate. I dread getting the rare text "can I have the kids on Saturday?" If we have plans I get yelled at, "you're stopping me seeing them!" even though we haven't heard from him in months.

I had a long post typed out but it’s gone.

Anyway rant away OP. Shitty, inconsistent parenting can have long term negative impacts on a child. It’s not just the initial hurt but it’s the hurt and trauma that you carry with you to adulthood and into your adult relationships.
It makes being a parent way harder when the other parent can’t meet a child’s absolute basic needs (in this case security and reliability), because there is more pressure on you to get everything you do parenting wise right. Which is impossible because none of us can be the perfect parent at all times. We are all human after all.

Rant away! I really feel for you in that situation. You do all the parental heavy lifting and then you get half a birthday and Xmas so they can pretend they are super dad

Ahhh I'm so great full for the replies! I've been feeling really alone in thsi realy and feeling so guilty about the resentment when my son says anything nice about his dad 🙈 I can't bare it! I absolutely do not let it show though, I'll always make sure I don't let it show.

@musicandpassionyes I had this recently! He asked to have ds during the week but I'd already had plans on that day and he demanded I tell him what's more important then him seeing his dad 😳 Just felt like our time was less important then when he decides he's free :(

@MumsHairnet that just must've been so hard for you to process and deal with. What an absolute shame for both of you!

I'm certainly not one to judge, so I just thought I'd let you know I'm not judging. In some respects I'm trying not to be the guy you described.

Without going into too much detail, my ex cut all contact for a decade, due to an abusive husband it turned out, lockdowns delayed me meeting my daughter after my ex made contact, my daughter visited eventually for 3 weeks, and a week after she went home her mother decided it was better she came back to live with me.

I'm careful not to disparage her mother, I only have her to take care of. She's happier here and doing well but that was her mother's doing. I can't say I know her reasoning, but I'm glad, and it has been best for my daughter.

It's easy for a guy with only one child to spoil them and seem like the best person in the world on weekends, or every few months, but kids get wise to that anyway, I know I did growing up. What truly matters is being there for your children when they need you, in whatever capacity. I wasn't for so long, and I'm very lucky my daughter doesn't resent me for that. I will never stop trying to make up for my absence though, by simply being here for her through anything and everything.

Fecking autocorrect eh?. Bloody socks where you don't need them!

Rant away...

It is the hardest and most aggravating thing when your ex/kids father is seen as the most fun cos he takes them on days out and buys them presents etc but like you, I have to remain calm and be kind about him to the kids.

It is all empty material worthless stuff in the long term so please remember that. Some guys confuse buying them things and think that makes a good dad. It doesn't. Consistency and attention and reliability does.

Unless he does something to damage your child's well-being or hurts them etc , keep visitation going. I'd only revisit the subject if he starts to let the kids down or they don't want to go with him anymore.

Kids aren't stupid. Even if you don't bad mouth him, they will see him for what he is when they're older and can understand.

My 7 year old daughter is fully aware of some things her dad has done and even her 6 year old brother has recently started randomly asking me if daddy hurt me when he was younger. I didn't know he knew!!
My kids are starting to show really damaging and emotional effects and it's causing long term pain and anxiety for them now.

I'm working with my doc to get assessments and help for them plus applied for a court order to stop him seeing them.
My case is extreme and I hope you don't have to go through the same.
Stay strong. You're there for the important stuff.
You are who they want when they're sick. They'll confide in you not him. You've got a million times more than he ever will!!

Absolutely no judgment here!!!

One of the reasons I am glad (but not the reason I did it) that I moved to another country. (With his permission before anyone gets arsey).

I also do the rather unsubtle "oh but your dad wouldn't remember that as he didn't go to many of your football/cricket/hockey games, did he?"

I had the unique privilege of observing 'Daddy's day at the park' every weekend for a few months. The younger the children, the more they seemed to engage. About 6-10yrs they were simply token hours with them while Dads were looking at their phones more than anything else.
How about you turn the tables on him for a month. Say - 'look - sorry - I need you to take the children for the next 2 weeks. I can take them for weekends.

Don't offer an explanation.

Watch Superdad's face drop.

Bizarrely, the things I missed most were making lunches (hearing that Ryan says tuna stinks so she doesn't like tuna anymore and Bryony laughs at cucumber and having to adjust the menu accordingly), the pick-up from school where I might get a snippet of detail about their day, doing homework (except maths), bringing them to their activities, the bedtime routine, ironing the uniform, laying it out, knowing what bow was no longer in fashion (which you might be told with 2 seconds to departure time) and also the morning routine strangely enough! The breakfast, the constant repetition of 'have you brushed your teeth?'. I'm pretty sure our neighbours thought that I was the antichrist though as I had to shout to get them to move AT ALL. Lol.

I hated the weekends of 'fun'. Dads can be useful for that crap. I absolutely hated being 'fun Bobby'. Depends what you're into I guess. I did outsource violin practice to 'fun Bobby' though. He hadn't a note in his head whereas I winced at every squawk.

I think I'm too formal/uptight/anxious as a parent so I preferred the tasks that felt dutiful? I hated having 'fun times'. Christ almighty. Never again. Disney Dad can come in useful for that shit.

No judgement here op. I wonder if the law will ever catch up with these nasty bastards?