Leaving a 10yr Relationship to be a Lone Parent, Am I Crazy?

[TallyEcho]

Where do I begin. I'm 37 and I’ve worked incredibly hard on my education and career (I have 3 degrees and I’ve achieved some success in my career though nothing spectacular, I'm not breaking any records) and I find myself in a 10 year relationship with a deep deep longing for a child.

Given the temperament of my partner, a child is simply and 100% not possible (he just cannot abide them) and so I now find myself feeling deeply like I want a child, that I’d like one very soon and that I must go it ‘alone.’ This journey though summarised here has been a very long one and a very painful one. Like any relationships, we have our little bumps but they really truly are little bumps (we are so happy otherwise) but the issue of children is not really something that can be compromised on, you want them or you don't. In the defence of my partner, he has always said that he doesn't want kids, from the very beginning but I was 27 then; I'm a different person now.

I'm now seriously considering leaving him to have a child on my own, is this insane? He is relatively well off (he owns 2 flats alone and one house jointly with me) and works in a well paying job, has his family in the UK (they live in England and we are in Scotland) whereas I have this home with him, I work in a good job but make at least 20% less than him and as an immigrant, I have no immediate family in the UK (I have some cousins but we don't really get on). Am I insane for leaving him to have a child by myself with little to no support?

I love him and we really enjoy each other's company but my desire for a child is so strong. I also worry about single parenthood and the 'outcomes' that newspapers tell you about for kids from single parent homes (taken with a pinch of salt, I know many many single parents who are loving and attentive). I KNOW my partner, but I don't know my child. Am I crazy for thinking of 'throwing away' my happy and loving relationship of a decade to go it alone as a mum? Has anybody else faced this and what did you decide? We have been to therapy (just one session so far) and I am so desperate for someone to talk to about this, I feel so alone and confused.

Hey X no I dont think you're crazy.
Please ignore the news papers etc about outcomes for children from single parent homes.
I'm a single parent (not by choice) but through divorce, my kids carnt see their father as he's a danger.
They are happy thriving children and I have high hopes and expectations for their life.
I think you need to consider which one you would have more regrets about ? Leaving your partner or not trying for children.?

Having a child is a life changing event. A big commitment that will take you on a roller coaster journey with lots of ups and down.

A child can also be an amplifier. If you are happy in life then you might become even happier with a child. If you are unhappy then a child might amplify those emotions.

Just have a deep think about why you want a child and prepare yourself mentally for the many challenges that parents face whether single or a couple.

Do it. You won’t regret having a child if your desire for one is so strong.

Hi!
I absolutely don't think you're crazy, in fact, myself and my fiance split just before the wedding because I knew I wanted children and he decided he did not.
I'm now a solo mother by choice via IVF with a donor and my 1 year old daughter is just absolutely magical and worth every single struggle.
I wouldn't change a single thing. We may not be particularly well off (or well off at all!) But we have all we need and lots of love and that's enough.
It's one hell of a roller coaster and one that brings with it emotions I didn't anticipate but my god, I couldn't be happier.
That longing for a child comes stronger and stronger from experience and I knew I'd have so many regrets if I didn't do it, despite knowing I loved my partner beyond words.
We are close friends and both happier now.

No, you aren't crazy. The longing for a child won't go away.

I gave up an impending marriage and the man I loved because he dropped out of nowhere three weeks before the wedding, that he'd decided he never wanted children. There was no room to negotiate and I had to face the same choice as you.

I have a ds who is the joy of my life. For me, having a child is the ultimate in creativity, moulding a new person who is partly my values and partly his own very determined character. I wouldn't have missed it for anything.

I still think about what I gave up. I'm sad it was that way, but I don't doubt that I made the right choice.

Single parent here. Becoming a mum was the best thing ever (and life was good before with multiple degrees etc.). Yes it’s hard work at times, but most worthwhile things are and you have time to set up and plan for where to live and how to do it. Good luck. I’m sorry you have to decided between the two.

As for outcomes, I've stayed single and not particularly affluent but my ds won a scholarship place at a good school and is doing better than I have any right to hope for. He is a happy healthy, mostly good humoured teen. I am very lucky. 😊

If you feel that you would regret never giving yourself the chance to be a mother then you owe it to yourself to end this relationship and try to have a child alone. I know that will be such a hard action to take - especially if you're otherwise happy in your relationship. But remember: you have the rest of your life to find another relationship (if you decide you want one), but only a small window of opportunity to have a child/children.

I had never thought that I would want children. But then in my early 30s, after being single for about 8 years, I considered the prospect that if I kept waiting for the right person to come along, I might have the opportunity to have children taken away from me altogether. I decided I'd be unlikely to regret having a child, but could see myself highly regretting suddenly deciding I wanted one and it being too late for me to make it happen.

Being a single parent can be hard work at times, but then lots of the time things are easier - you only have yourself and your child/ren to consider in any decisions you make. But I have never once regretted having my ds - in fact I think it is the single best decision I've made in my life.

Is it worth having the cards cards on the table talk with your partners?

Not crazy at all. Your DP is the crazy one!
Leave him and go for it!

I did it on my own. It's scary and difficult. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

Dear all, I want to thank every single one of you for taking the time to read my post and share your experiences with me. I wanted to give you an update - my partner and I went for more therapy sessions and I did one alone too to try and gain some understanding on why we feel what we feel. Since then, my partner and I have now ended our relationship. This is so very painful for me but you have all given me hope. I'm grateful truly to each of you. I hope I will start to feel better soon about this decision, for now its just the pain but I feel I've made the right decision in the long term and I couldn't have done it without all of you and your words of wisdom. So thank you.

How old are you OP? I don’t understand why you don’t just date? It shouldn’t be hard for you to meet someone new.

I’m 37, I’ll be 38 in April. I feel like at my age, if I have a child today, I will be 55 when they’re 18. If I wait for a relationship, that might be 2, 3 or more years before it’s at a point to have a child. That’s why I feel a bit of pressure to do it soon.