Inconsistent father to 4 year old

[Blueeyes91]

I split from my ex last April (2021) and in October I moved out with our DD. He was originally going to move out but decided not to. He kept coming and going as he pleased and it all became very stressful.

When I moved out he threatened me with court, I even received a date for the hearing from the court. He wanted a contact order in place (which I was fine with), but then in December he withdrew it.

Since then he has seen his DD every other weekend. She doesn't like going and I have recently found out it's because she doesn't want to sleep on the floor anymore. When she's with her dad they stay at his girlfriends and her dad has confirmed she sleeps on the floor of the new gfs bedroom. Which obviously I am not comfortable with. Who wants to sleep on the floor?!

Along with the every other weekend routine they have a scheduled facetime every Tuesday. Unfortunately he has not made them now for 3 Tuesday's. He doesn't apologise or acknowledge that he misses them.

Our DD wants to call him at times too. But because its not scheduled he won't answer.

She started school yesterday and he did tell her that he'd call after school. But didn't.

I'm feeling like I need to start chasing harder for these calls. But I'm also finding it emotionally exhausting. Our DD has started calling him by his first name and her emotions are so up and down. I don't know how to improve this for her.

I've tried talking to him in the past but he doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't even want me to give him updates when she's with me.

I’m so sorry, this sounds horrible for you and for your DD.

If he keeps missing calls and doesn’t even want updates when your DD is with you, he sounds totally checked out of parenting. That is hideously unfair on you, but trying to force him isn’t likely to work (other than getting him to pay maintenance), so I’m wondering if it would be best for your DD emotionally to start thinking of him as a “bonus parent” who pops in sometimes, rather than as a “core and consistent parent” who keeps on snubbing her.

You would need to tell him in no uncertain terms to stop making promises he can’t keep. Don’t tell her about when he’s planning to call. If he does call - great - you can facilitate a conversation so that they continue to have a relationship. But I think it’s important to stop getting her all ready for a call that he misses, and having her feel rejected over and over. The poor girl really doesn’t deserve that from him.

Re: contact, I have zero experience in this field, so I’m not sure what you can do about the sleeping situation, but you’re right that the floor of a girlfriend’s bedroom (or anyone’s bedroom!) sounds pretty darn unacceptable. I feel so angry and disappointed on your behalf!

Chasing isn't going to help here. If he's a dick he will take pleasure out of annoying you and can use your chasing as a way to get sympathy from women ("my ex is abusive and nagging me ") Selfish men won't be able to see that it's the child who loses out the most.

As for the sleeping situation , I don't think a court would do anything. It's crap that she's on a floor but in general it would be considered his time so I'll to him how to deal with things. If he lives locally, have you considered having him drop her off at bedtime and picking her up again the next day ?

I agree stop chasing.

Yes she needs some sort if bed even if its a ready bed. I would say until it is sorred no overnight.

One of the best things i learnt about my ex is nothing i say is going to make him change so all i can do is change how we respond to him.. He isn't going to be a great dad because my ds deserves it or because its what i want for him

I’m sorry but PP are right. I don’t tell DD when she has a ‘scheduled’ call any more because chances are he won’t. When he does, it’s then a nice surprise. He hasn’t for a year or so, though. He said he would call on her birthday- I’d rather she focus on enjoying her friends and her cake and have those the enduring memories of the day than the disappointment that her Daddy promised to call and didn’t.

She also had a pull out bed for ages which she said was uncomfortable but at last has her own bed. It’s so heartbreaking how happy she is with the bare minimum.

I’d hound him about the bed but not anything else tbh. He might not even want to keep up contact forever, or reduce it, which is sad but that’s what shitty dads do. We started out with EOW and extra days in the holidays, he cut it back to EOW no extra days, now he’s going a couple of weekends once a month or every 3 weeks and half the time palms her off on his parents. I expect once she becomes a stroppy preteen he’ll bin off contact or at least reduce to every few months. And after that she won’t want to see him at all.

Deadbeat dads are such scum.

Stop chasing him. It honestly becomes exhausting long term trying to manage his relationship with his child. He is a grown adult and should be able to see this from his child’s perspective, but he either can’t or won’t.
In time your daughter will come to terms with it. She needs you to be the strong, dependable and loving parent. She will understand that she can rely on you. That’s not to say it will all be plain sailing.
You haven’t blocked access or anything and you facilitate contact and calls so you can hold your head up high and say you aren’t a barrier here.
It’s tough OP watching your child being let down but you can’t fully protect them from it. They have to see what the other parent is really like in order to move on from it.