Looking for lone parents who’ve kids are older/teens/young adults

[Newsinglemum58]

Hi,
So I’ve been separated three years now and have two DC 13 & 11. Relationship with exH (although still not divorced) is amicable, but he’s hard work to communicate with and makes me feel uncomfortable at times/ to blame for the split despite a lot of the issues being him.

what I’m wondering is, for those further on in this journey, do things get any easier? I’m finding it so tough at the moment. Loneliness, the mental burden, no one to share adult time with etc. I work full time too.

im hoping that maybe as the kids gets older this is going to get a bit easier to live with. Some days I feel I’m sinking & although I don’t regret ending my marriage, I didn’t really expect it to be this hard and lonely.

I can relate to your post. I've been divorced 4 years, my Dcs area a bit older than yours, 14 and 16, but yes it has been lonely at times. Covid really didn't help, lockdown was very lonely and I still haven't really got my mojo back since then - it still feels weird going out! However, like you I don't regret the divorce one bit...ex moved on quickly and has been dating for over 3 years now. I'm still single and mostly don't mind it... sometimes positively like it.. and occasionally I do wish I had someone. But yes, things definitely get easier as the children get older...my 2 are so much more independent now, they don't need me hovering in the background so much, so I do have more freedom myself. Tho this has taken some getting used to on my part initially, I am now starting to rather enjoy it! I can't say the mental load is any different for me...well, better if anything, ex DH was bloody useless so I had more load when we were together than I do now!! Does your ex not take any of that load off your shoulders? My ex has the DCs 3 days a week so has had to.

Thanks for your message 🙂 it is good to hear from others who understand. Despite the fact so many marriages end in divorce, I seem to know very few people in real life who can relate to my situation, and that just exacerbates the feelings of loneliness and isolation.

It is good to hear from you that things might get a bit easier as the kids get older. I definitely find my oldest easier, and she seems to be coping a lot better with the two homes situation than youngest.

We do co-parent, so he has them alternate weekends Fri-Mon, and a day and overnight one week, two the second week. This pattern seems ok. The six weeks holidays was hard though… I was off work as I work term time, so the loneliness I think was a killer. And also just so much time with the kids on my own. Really hoping that back to the routine means a bit more sanity.

We separated 10 years ago. Ds is now 14. Ex only has him 7 hours a week plus 20 nights a year - his choice.

It definitely gets easier. I still carry all the mental load but I always did, so nothing new there. I can leave ds for hours at a time without issue. From being very lonely when he was 8 or 9, I now have Parkrun friends, Meetup friends, I have friends from a yoga class. Also DS is pretty good company so life is good.

Hang in there. xx

Are you a teacher too by any chance? 😁Yes, life is much easier with a routine...yet so much more full on in other ways! Im lucky, I do have some decent friends and so had some time away with them and all our kids over the summer hols. Would have been a bit painful otherwise!

@MintJulia thank you x I’ll try. It does really help to hear that people are finding it easier as time goes on. I’m glad you’ve found your feet with things. I do need to make more effort to socialise, but find it hard at the moment.

I moved to this area a year or so before lockdown, so don’t know that many people, and making friends in later life can be hard!

Support staff! I felt sad in July knowing that the six weeks would mean lots of time on my own! Really saying something when you’d rather be at work! And now, following six weeks of no structure, I’m daunted!

If I’ve survived another academic year I need a better plan next summer!

I think it gets better as they get older. You can go out and see people and leave the hem home. Much better shopping as you don't have to take them a d they start sharing the chores.

Church got me through lockdown. We met online twice a day. You have to find the right one though. Not all are the same. You might need to try a few if this is an option you would consider. You don't have to believe.
Find one with more social stuff. "We" ought to do more single parents stuff as a provision for the community because I know I need it. (A bit like mens' sheds but for single parents)

Presumably other faith groups have similar communities. We could do with the return of the local friendly pub as well.

Once kids are at secondary you never see other parents and meet fewer adults. It is really hard.

Thanks for your message. Really helps to know I’m not the only one struggling, because it really feels that way at times!
I agree that given the numbers of separated parents there ought to be more support generally.

Have a look at the app Frolo it's for single parents - they arrange meet ups in your local area.

It gets so much easier!

We split 13(?) Years ago. DC are now 18 and 15 and are genuinely my favourite people. They cook (not as often as I'd like, but they do). They look after me when I'm sick. They do chores.
When my more recent relationship broke down they said "we were always ok with just us 3. We'll be OK again"

I can go out without needing childcare. I don't have to get up and feed them. It's fab.

Things will get get easier as you make new friends and become who you were before. You find yourself and make peace.
I wish I had asked advice when I was in your shoes.
I'm so glad I made the choice to go it alone as I would of not been happy staying in the relationship.
Good luck in your journey.

I was a lp from when Ds was 10 months old..

Tbh it is easier now my ds is 15..i can generally come and go as i please. I have changed jobs and he is left alone on weekend day and have far more adult interaction in the day..

You will find your way.