Co-parenting with a narc

[Hippymum89]

So. How tf do you co-parent with an EA ex?
IDAS are helpful up to the leaving stage, then no actual help regarding the kids.
They're young, 9 and 6 and affected by exH's EA and manipulation but I'd have a hard time proving anything as he's very clever and paints me as the crazy ex (don't they all!)
Any practical advice please?

Court order. Seriously you want a court order for contact as he could take them and not bring them back and you would have all the heartache that brings. You want a child arrangements with times and dates all set out of when he has them and when he brings them back. It’s all about boundaries with narcissistic people otherwise the games get messy and they drag your kids in.

He's currently taken them away camping and messaging me to say they're both 'sad' and obviously want me. So maybe I should have them full time (he has them 2 nights a week when I work) Then later goes on to say it's my fault they're sad and I need to sort it out.
Do you just visit a family lawyer to do the court thing? I've contacted a mediation person as I had a feeling you need to do that first?
Trouble is he's so unpredictable and changes in the blink of an eye. One minute he's heart broken and only wants his family back together, next minute I'm an evil monster who's destroying our kids' MH

You should get a free hour with family solicitor, so go and see what they recommend. It’s best for everyone that it is in writing and clarified, everyone knows where they stand. Kids can look forward to the time (if they do) and you know what days and times. If he is up and down things could get tricky going forward.

Thank you I'll look into that.

Hello. This is tricky. Great advice about a solicitor. It didn’t work for me as there was little evidence and sadly I never reported the physical and psychological abuse I had with him as he made me believe it was my fault and that I had to improve. 8yrs divorced and it didn’t get any better. My advice firstly is solicitor and if not set boundaries with him. Communicate only through email as it is evidence. Be very clear about shared custody and do not fall into the trap that I did and argue with him ever. Communicate only about the children. Never admit to anything being your fault as this will validate him. He will Blame you for every mistake he makes. Ignore him. Silence with a narc is actually easy. You know who you are and the parent you are. Do not think you have to validate, defend or explain yourself to him. Do not engage with him if he is verbally abusive or critical of you. It’s gets you no where and you end up looking neurotic. Things I have learnt the hard way. Give your kids a safe space to talk. If he says or does anything you feel is neglectful or abusive, contact Social services immediately. Report him. Children are wise. My girls tell me everything and I offer them reassurance and solutions to his behaviour. As they get older they will have phones. You can track them and communicate constantly. All evidence. Speak to the school. Any communication must be shared therefore he can’t blame you for not knowing. Separate parents evenings etc etc. the school will watch the children's behaviour. All evidence.

i say silence and minimal contact because you do sit back and watch their mistakes, lies, control and manipulation ruin them. My eldest, now 16 refuses to see him. I have got her into counselling and she is growing into a healthy young woman. My youngest still loves her dad and wants to see him. That will always be supported by the courts I hate to say. You cannot persuade or influence a child’s decision. However, my youngest is seeing her dad for who is is already at 12. The lies, the criticism of me and her sister. His manipulation. His sly comments. She knows she can call me and I am there. She can talk openly and I listen. She already says that in two years she can refuse to see him. I don’t want this to drag out for years for you, like it has for me but start these small tips and I promise it will be easier. My ex knows that I am now a force to be reconned with. He has accused me as being a parental alienator and vexatious person. I now have evidence that I am not. My eldest is aware that her dad has NPD advised by her counsellor.
get counselling for yourself. Living with a person with NPD is an abusive relationship. You will be stronger for it I promise.
good luck.

Thank you so much for that reply @Turv .
Everything you say is true.
How do you navigate the kids calling you when they're with their dad?
My son has a phone given to him by me, but on the second visit to Dads it has gone 'missing'.
Now he keeps saying they're busy etc etc.
I have an appointment with a mediator tomorrow, then I will get legal advice after that depending on what she says.
He's already telling me I'm the one with NPD (the irony!)
I dread to think what he tell the kids about me.

Hang in there. One step at a time. Your children know who you are. Trust them. He will say things that they know aren’t true. They will agree with him because they won’t challenge him. Maybe when they are older like my eldest. That’s okay and tell them if daddy says stuff they are to tell you. Have a giggle about it and show them you are not the person he accuses you of being. Your behaviour is key. Don’t row. Don’t call him names etc etc. they will see it is him who does all the bad stuff not you. Please Trust them. You are scared but you are their mum. They know you. Calling them gets easier when they are older. It may be tricky now. Keep yourself busy until they return. Look excited about the fun stuff they do with him even though it may rip you apart inside. Hang tight. He will make everything a competition, score points. Don’t play his games. Tell him nothing about you what so ever. He will twist it and use it against you.
if he comes to mediation stay calm and very clear about your requests. A 10min call each night they are there but he is allowed to do the same. If he starts talking crap about you don’t retaliate. Bite your tongue. Mediators are experienced and can see right through situations like this. He will be the adoring father and victim ex to everyone he needs to prove it to. Let him. Smile. You can’t argue with a narc’. They have no empathy. They are extremely insecure and need constant validation to boost their ego. Your children are his trophy for being an excellent parent.
be strong and show him you mean business. Write down your requests for custody. Be carful asking for full custody, the courts need proof and that’s hard. If the children are fed, watered, clothed and attend school etc etc they are not neglected.
I wish you well.

Has anyone ever experience anything like this?

I've been co-parenting with my narcissistic ex for 6 years, left him when our daughter was 2. I had seizures when I left him, the abuse destroyed my brain and my memory.

My daughter is now 8. There have been a few things she's said to me that have raised concerns, I've approached him, led to hell. She's been taken from his care by me and seen in a contact centre. He produced a c100 and said I was na unfit mother. He got her back into set days by the court.

She's coming home from his and being sick. But I now fear that she's actually making herself sick. And I believe it's an anxiety response to the fact she can't tell me anything, because if she does, Daddy will tell her off. If she's not sick, she's itching her body and hee bottom.

I will be contacting who I need to contact now as I worry that maybe there is more going on in that house then I know.

Has anyone else's child had this response? Being sick and itching?

Sorry long story!

Hi there
Sorry didn't want to read and run. No I dont have experience of exactly that, but had years of abusive from my ex husband. Well did have until a no contact order was granted 5 years ago.
I think there could be many different reasons why she's being sick and itchy. My first thought is could it be allergy related? Or stress from moving between houses?
Have you taken your daughter to the Dr's?