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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Co-Parenting

17 replies

geeks93 · 17/08/2022 22:24

OMG! How do people do this! After 10 years, I broke up with my ex. Not what I wanted, but what was needed. Anyway, he finally moved out in June he's been a nightmare with everything. Just making everything hard. He works 4 on 4 off and said he wanted our son for his 4 days off. (First day off he comes off nights so son only gets pick up in the afternoon. The last day off he drops son back off just after 4pm, when I finish work). So he started kicking off about never having "Time off". (Where was my "time off" for the last year and a half since I've had our son?! Hmm 🤔). Anyway, I will get carried away with how I did everything... so I asked my ex what he wanted to do regarding childcare if the 4 on 4 off wasn't working for him. Bare in mind, I also work full time Monday to Friday. He couldn't give me an answer. So I made a schedule/Rota with both of us that gave him some "time off", which meant me having our son more. Which I don't mind. But this wasn't good enough. Apparently a day here or a few hours there isn't enough. So he's totally refused to follow it and I don't know where I'm up to. I need to know to be able to plan my childcare while I'm at work. Everything I have said or done to suggest anything has been thrown back in my face. So 2 weeks ago, the Saturday fell on my ex time with our son, so I booked something for a friend birthday during the day. My ex kicked off because he would be dropping our son off that day. I made sure I was home at 5pm for him and he was an hour late. Last weekend was supposed to my ex turn all weekend. Tickets for a Disney quiz came up so I booked them knowing I would be able to attend since It wasn't my time. I was able to have a day and night to myself. I was able to have a drink for the first time. But nope. My ex kicked off again and told me I was having our son on the Sunday even tho it was his time, no mine. He said he was dropping him off at crack arse of dawn knowing I won't drink if I'm having our son. So next morning I was up and ready before 9am and he didn't show up for another hour again. It's pissed me off because he's kicking off about not having "time off", but on the rota, he would have more "time off" then me. I literally had a day and a half and he ruined both.

Honestly feel like I've tried to be accommodating and I've tried to be as fair as possible. The rota was made to help my ex and was made to benefit him not me. I don't know what else I can do. I'm sorry for the long message. But it's bringing me down so much. Why can't he just be an adult about anything.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 17/08/2022 22:28

Welcome to our world. Yes. Its a nightmare. You need to get used to it.

COS2102 · 18/08/2022 07:43

The things you have described sound less like he wants free time and more like he wants to ruin your free time? What I'm taking from this is that you have told him you have had something booked and he had kicked off wanting to drop your son early? I suggest not telling him you have made plans and if he does say he needs to drop off early when you have made plans either silently fume and sort it out so he doesn't know he has a rise from you or just tell him sorry I won't be in until X-time. Then he has no choice. That is if it is that he is doing these things after he has found out you have plans.

If it does continue for you though, I'd suggest going to mediation to discuss the issue and seeing if a more formal arrangement can be made so that you don't feel the way that you do

TheOrigRights · 18/08/2022 07:52

Sod that, take control and as PP says, try mediation and if that doesn't work then get a Child Arrangement Order. You can represent yourself in court which keeps costs down.
Unless your ex has a complete change of personality things won't change. Your son needs stability.

Crunchingleaf · 18/08/2022 12:24

Does he know you have plans or is hr just making sure you can’t have plans on a Saturday night.

He is playing games either way. He isn’t reliable enough for your DC. You need to accept he can’t be trusted to put your child first. If you want to have a life your going to need babysitters to facilitate it.

iamjustwinginglife · 18/08/2022 12:57

It's just another form of control. Tell him to make the rota-see what he comes up with.

Starseeking · 18/08/2022 23:04

Sounds like he just wants to control you and your time. My ex is just like this. He also refuses to give any specific times when he will collect the DC until about 2 weeks beforehand, then I just have to suck it up, or the DC won't get to see their dad.

I tried requesting we go to mediation, he refused because the initial session cost £108...this from a man who earns £60k!

Spoke to a solicitor about taking it to court to agree contact timetable, they're trying to dissuade me on the basis that court is for parent being denied access to their DC, not for parent with care to agree timetable...argh!!!

I've got nothing to add regarding advice as to what you can do about it, other than to sympathise Flowers

Starlightstarbright1 · 18/08/2022 23:09

I agree with others.. This is now a business arrangement.. He needs to know about child not you..

Ask him for a solution or ut will be 4 days each as it has been

Cece92 · 18/08/2022 23:17

What an arse!!! I wouldn't tell him any of your plans going forward he is trying to stop you having a life. I'm very fortunate me and my ex have everything set in stone for last 6 years and always flexible unless work commitments in the way. He has my DD 2x nights wed and Thursday. I like weekends with her as I am off and he works so it's ideal. It suits her too. She calls him every day in between and we sometimes pop in. I wish your ex could be grown up for you and your sons sake. I really do hope it gets easier. Ours hasn't always been plain sailing xx

Galvanisethis · 18/08/2022 23:19

I've had this BS for a few years now so recently started mediation. He's now taking things a bit more seriously, but obviously it's in the early stages and plenty of time for him to change tack.

Pinkyxx · 22/08/2022 18:32

Welcome to single parenthood… one caution on mediation/ court… court orders or not you can’t force a non resident parent to have contact. If they cancel last minute (my ex’s favourite approach) then there’s nothing you can do.. I learnt to always have a back up plan & a back up plan for the back up plan for work… I gave up trying planning anything social as invariably I had to cancel & people got sick of it…

it’s about control but nothing you can do

Starseeking · 22/08/2022 19:08

Pinkyxx · 22/08/2022 18:32

Welcome to single parenthood… one caution on mediation/ court… court orders or not you can’t force a non resident parent to have contact. If they cancel last minute (my ex’s favourite approach) then there’s nothing you can do.. I learnt to always have a back up plan & a back up plan for the back up plan for work… I gave up trying planning anything social as invariably I had to cancel & people got sick of it…

it’s about control but nothing you can do

This is so so unfair.

I hate asking people to do things at the last minute due to the haphazard nature of contact as it feels so awkward suddenly popping up to say I'm available.

How can we carve out a new social life for ourselves when the EX is so unreliable?!? Are we expected to never go out again until the DC have flown the nest???

TheOrigRights · 22/08/2022 19:37

Yup. Lone parent here so it's all on me. It sucks but knowing where I am is so much better than him still having control.

Chirmed · 22/08/2022 21:34

Don't tell him you plans for the time you are without your son, so he can't ruin it

Turv · 29/08/2022 10:04

What a nightmare he is! I agree with all the comments. Email him only. Evidence and easier to track. Stop telling him your plans. He is not your partner anymore and has no right to know. Silence is key. Clear communication and stick to your plans and the rota. If it isn’t your day and he is changing it, tough. Maybe advise him that he gets himself a babysitter. When I had plans when I had my kids (infrequently) I didn’t ask the ex for any favours. The kids would have a sleep over at a friends or a family member helped. Great fun for the kids. Normal family life.
good luck.

Stuckmum102 · 03/09/2022 01:23

So I co parent and I have been made aware that the ex is not going to have a permanent home. My concern he wants to keep having the children but it will be either at his brothers house or at his gfs house depending on who's house he is at,at the time. This in its self is not the issue. What is is that they will not have beds so will sleep on I don't know what. And possibly expected to share rooms with different sex children even though my children are through puberty. I just don't agree with that. Am I being too picky? The children have been told and all seem fine with the idea. Should I just stay quiet or wait and see I feel really stuck with my emotions about it all. I'm worried the children will get unsettled or anxious. I am worried that if i let them stay over im being a bad mum, but equally if i say no they have to come home at night so they have a bed to sleep on i am being just as bad because they like and enjoy spending time with their dad. What are your thoughts.

Stuckmum102 · 03/09/2022 01:25

So I co parent and I have been made aware that the ex is not going to have a permanent home. My concern he wants to keep having the children but it will be either at his brothers house or at his gfs house depending on who's house he is at,at the time. This in its self is not the issue. What is is that they will not have beds so will sleep on I don't know what. And possibly expected to share rooms with different sex children even though my children are through puberty. I just don't agree with that. Am I being too picky? The children have been told and all seem fine with the idea. Should I just stay quiet or wait and see I feel really stuck with my emotions about it all. I'm worried the children will get unsettled or anxious. I am worried that if i let them stay over im being a bad mum, but equally if i say no they have to come home at night so they have a bed to sleep on i am being just as bad because they like and enjoy spending time with their dad. What are your thoughts.

Crunchingleaf · 03/09/2022 20:05

Stuckmum102 · 03/09/2022 01:25

So I co parent and I have been made aware that the ex is not going to have a permanent home. My concern he wants to keep having the children but it will be either at his brothers house or at his gfs house depending on who's house he is at,at the time. This in its self is not the issue. What is is that they will not have beds so will sleep on I don't know what. And possibly expected to share rooms with different sex children even though my children are through puberty. I just don't agree with that. Am I being too picky? The children have been told and all seem fine with the idea. Should I just stay quiet or wait and see I feel really stuck with my emotions about it all. I'm worried the children will get unsettled or anxious. I am worried that if i let them stay over im being a bad mum, but equally if i say no they have to come home at night so they have a bed to sleep on i am being just as bad because they like and enjoy spending time with their dad. What are your thoughts.

It sounds like they are teenagers so is it best to let them give it a trial and see for themselves what it will be like? It doesn’t sound like a sensible long term plan from your ex but sometimes kids have to see for themselves what a particular parent is like.

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