How can this work?

[FlyingSaucerss]

I’m going to try to get my ex to have contact with the children again, he stopped contact 18 months ago, I’m going to reach out and see if he would like to see them again as it’s too much on my own, I’m really glad so many women seem to manage it just fine and say how great and easy it is on their own but I just haven’t found this at all, I have no family help (they refuse) so no support there and my children have some disabilities that make things harder for me doing it alone and I can’t keep on like this.

The trouble we had last time is we don’t agree with contact and how it should work, my ex only wanted to see the children if he could have them at my house so come down to see them, he wouldn’t take them to his or have them overnight due to his living arrangements, I didn’t want him at my house as it was making me uncomfortable, we tried with him seeing the children by taking them on days out but that didn’t work either as he seemed to not want to travel so far just to take them out for a few hours, he would end up taking them to the park and bringing them back after 45 mins claiming they asked to come home (I asked the children why they wanted to come home they said they didn’t 🤷‍♀️) he has no family to take them to so can’t have them at any one else’s house, how can contact work in an impossible situation like this?

Your post made me think of the phrase "you can take a horse to the water but you can't make it drink".
Whoever told you or gave you the impression than lone parenting is fine, and great and easy is lying, or a superhero - its bloody hard work. But you've done 18 months on your own so don't doubt that you can do another 18 if you have to... and honestly I think that's what you need to keep in mind, because from your post it sounds as if your ex would rather not be involved if its not the way he wants it. So by all means ask him if he wants to see the children again, and ask him to do better and talk about a better solution -but if he says no, and continues no contact - you can do it. I would look into ways you can get support/respite elsewhere in case, maybe try a local children's centre or early help if you haven't already. And honestly, you never know what's around the corner - you could be in a totally different situation in a few months, new people, new places, new priorities and feel so different to how you do now..
Sorry I don't have any practical advice for getting your ex to do better.. but good luck in whatever you do next x

I’m only basing it on what I read on here, women constantly going on about how easy it is being a single mum and how it’s much easier doing it alone sometimes they don’t realise how that makes people feel that are struggling, I don’t find it easy it’s the hardest thing in the world imo, respite wouldn’t help as they would only take my older children and I need a break from them all, I haven’t coped the last 18 months I’ve basically just survived it’s affecting the kids because I’m always so tired and exhausted all the time I barely have energy to do things and I get snappy with them a lot as I’m so worn out.

You may need a break from them all, but you cannot force him to parent if he doesn’t want to.

Speaking as someone who’s husband fucked off during my third pregnancy (but his first), and then had a baby who did sleep more than 1-2 hours at a time for the first 12 months, screamed a lot and wouldn’t be put down, and one of my elder DC has AuDHD (as do I), and crippling PND - I understand where you’re coming from.

But having a father who comes in and out like his hugely, hugely damaging. He doesn’t want to parent.

And it’s shit - I often wondered how people would react if I dumped the baby on my ex’s doorstep and said “I haven’t slept for a year, YOUR FUCKING TURN”, and I knew exactly how they’d react and it made me more depressed.

Also no family, I had no friends as he was abusive shitbag who isolated me. It was 7 years ago now and I still couldn’t tell you I either didn’t die by my own hand or through sheer exhaustion/accidental death due to exhaustion.

Did not* sleep

I would be very careful OP.
A man who has accepted no contact with his kids for 1.5 years is a shit dad and a horrible person. Sorry to be blunt. Be careful opening yourself and your children up to this.
Prepare to be let down and prepare to loose control of your situation to someone else.

The thing is I’m finding myself feeling bitter and jealous of those whose exes are involved and who get weekends off and weeks at a time in the holidays, I don’t want to feel jealous and bitter but can’t help feeling that way, seeing people moan that their ex “only” sees their child once a week and I can’t help but feel how lucky they are, I know it’s not luck but compared to never getting a break it feels that way. I didn’t chose to have children alone.

1. You can't force him to be a parent.
2. Why would you want your children to be around someone who needed persuading to see them?

And I say that as a single mum of 4 years who has never had a break from dc.

You need to deal with these feelings, that's your answer.
I have been on a journey of emotions whilst being a single parents. I've had cbt and ongoing counciling.
Trying to involve someone who doesn't want to be involved is opening you and your children up to so much heartache.
The answer really is working ok yourself.

Well it just feels like people give mixed messages, I’ve wanted to close the door so many times on this man and say enough is enough if I close the door for good I won’t be tempted to reach out, we are still in contact he texts occasionally asking how they are (but doesn’t ask to see them) and every time I’ve been told no do not close the door on him leave the door open so if he decides he wants to see them again that’s ok then? So why should it be all on his terms? If I cut him off good I won’t be tempted to reach out but ive been told I shouldn’t do that and it’s wrong but it’s ok for him to not be bothered to see them for 18 months and if he wants to come but then he should? Just feels like he is the one calling all the shots why does he get to walk in and out when he feels like it

I think when people say it’s “easier” being a single parent they only mean relative to having a partner who did essentially nothing helpful. I’ve recently become a single parent to two very young children and definitely not finding it easy. But by the end of my relationship with my ex he did almost no childcare and nothing with the house plus I felt resentful and wasted a lot of mental energy on it. So in some sense it’s easier but still very difficult.

I can completely understand why you want a break and want your ex to take on some responsibility for the children but I’m not sure that the contact which he might have if pushed is going to be that helpful in giving you that break. It sounds like he’s always going to be unreliable and reluctant and not take on any real parental role.

My intention is to keep the option of contact there for my ex indefinitely but not to expect much. I don’t want to block off the possibility of my children having some relationship with their father or be blamed for doing that even though he’s been crap to them. There probably comes a point where a dad is so shit that it’s not worth having them in the children’s life at all though and someone who constantly lets their children down might be in that category.

Thank you, I have decided on it and I am going to reach out I know why everyone says no and I do get it and I really wish I didn’t have to but if I don’t I’m honestly Going to have a break down I can’t cope with them on my own anymore and I refuse to involve social services etc (had them involved before and they was awful nothing but judgemental and critical and actually THEY advised me to contact my ex, they told me I should reach out to him and it’s in my kids interest to have a relationship with their father they said, so even they thought I should contact him, I didn’t mention him to them they brought him up and asked why he had no contact) I honestly can’t do this for another year I am at breaking point I end up shouting at my kids because I’m so frustrated

To add I have literally begged my family for help over the years cried out for help but they don’t give a shit, my own mum walks past me in the street and pretends she doesn’t see me, they are not interested in my children all I get told is my children my choice nothing to do with them.

Those feelings are yours to deal with OP, and not in a way that fucks your kids up. I felt like that for a while. I had severe PND due to being totally alone/a non sleeping, screaming, Velcro baby and I spent the first year of her life actively suicidal.

I’m years down the line from you now and I don’t give a crap about alone time. It’s all my ex has - time alone, without his child, he wouldn’t recognise her if she walked past him in the street.

He’s just never bothered, not once, not even sent a text, a call, email, nothing. If he tried to get in touch now he’d get told to fuck off. Despite being the one who was apparently so desperate for a child.

What helped me was going back to work/study. Dropped them at day care and off I trotted, to focus entirely on myself, for 8 hours, 4 days a week.

Take the respite for the older dc
Then your other dc get time with you
You cannot make ex be a decent person
But if 45 minutesin the park gives you break
Then sure take it

I can’t get respite as I can’t go through social services (it’s the only way to get respite) and I refuse to have any contact with them again and don’t want anything used against me, working or studying would help to get me out the house but dd doesn’t have a school place anymore so is now at home full time.

It's tough OP but I'm afraid it's the reality of being a single parent with little to no support.

What gets me through is remembering how precious these times are. They'll soon be off on their own and we'll treasure these times.

If issues about logistics would make him decide not to see his children for 18 months, then he is not a good person to have in their lives.

I am a lone parent, too. With children with disabilities and no family support. Yes, it is hard. I sympathise, so much. But do not do this to yourself or to them. This is not the solution.

I get this completely. It's also very sad looking at the families that our couples (all of my friends) and how different their lives are to mine. And the impact this has on my children, too. Financially, emotionally, in terms of the amount of time and attention I can give them around full time work, the amount of 1:1 time they get, etc. But resentment will get you nowhere. Focus on your family and what you can do to improve the situation: better job, more training so higher pay and fewer hours, or work more and hire some childcare with the money, etc.

It is always going to be an uphill battle being a lone parent and even more so with children with disabilities. Not least because we are taxed waaaaaay more than a two parent household with the same income, when two of them can divide up work and childcare! It is an absolute joke and believe me I understand your anger and frustration but bringing a father who clearly doesn't care about your children back into their lives is not the right thing to do.

Why ask for advice then ignore it? Ask for help from SS, friends, charities, etc. Not somebody who can't be fucked to see his kids for 18 months and now might do so if you pressure him, who has shown no inclination of his own to bother to do so. How do you think that will be for them?

I don’t have friends who can help I’ve already said that, they have work, live with parents or have their own things going on, have their own kids etc most people can’t accommodate 4 kids on top of their own so aren’t in a position to help. Most people don’t have friends who can look after 4 kids especially kids with disabilities my oldest has a lot of care needs way above and beyond a child of her age, also I am not going down the route of ss as I’ve had contact with them before and they are awful I don’t care what MN say about them they are awful critical judgemental, and they will make it worse for me as I don’t need that criticism and pressure in my life I’ve had direct experience with them and they advised me to contact my ex anyway. I’m ignoring the advice because I am going to have a break down if I don’t get some support and if that has to be off my ex so be it, most people struggle with one child with disabilities.

@FlyingSaucerss but seeing how your ex has walked away from his kids before what makes you think that won't happen again and then that will negatively effect not only you but your children aswell.
If you're struggling speak to school or the HV and get some consistent reliable help. Reintroducing this person doesn't sound like it's going to help you at all unless you're specifically wanting him back in you're life.
A lot of people have been through this. Take their advice and experience.

I am not in contact with the HV my oldest is 5 and the kids school is awful and not helpful at all they are the reason why my daughter didn’t get a place in a special school because they insisted she was fine in mainstream despite the fact she had a 30 hour 1:1 in year 6 (which is rare in a mainstream) and has had one throughout her whole time in primary school (she can never be left alone) significant behaviour problems (can be aggressive to teachers and pupils) escaped the school in January, spends only 10% of her time in school in the class room, they said she was absolutely fine in mainstream and doesn’t need a sen school they are the reason she now has no school place so I won’t be expecting any support from them they are useless, she no longer attends the school anymore now anyway (shes 11) so she is no longer their responsibility, my ex left last time as I told him he was no longer able to have the children in my home, I put my foot down so I thought, hoping he would step up and take them out, he couldn’t be bothered and he translated that as he isn’t allowed to see them because he only wants to see them in my house.

Also I should add he was having regular contact with them until I insisted he took them out instead of coming to mine I wanted him to take some responsibility for them but this was during Covid and he kept making up excuse after excuse not to see them, he was constantly “isolating” until it became clear he was just lying and using it as an excuse not to see them (he was isolating every week) or if one of them had to isolate because someone in their class tested positive (not them) he then wouldn’t see them because of it even though I told him he could see the others as only one needs to isolate but I would just get excuses till contact fizzled out.