Regretting adult DD moving back decision

[Handsontheair]

My adult daughter 26 is going back to uni. I was initially delighted that she had made this decision and said if things get difficult financially she could move back home. She has decided to leave her flat and will be back with me at the end of August.
I’m dreading this as I didn’t expect her to be so quick in wanting to move back home. She has had two stints at uni and left so I felt I should support her now, however I feel that her quick decision hasn’t been thought through and she may return to being the person who I was grateful to help move out in the first place.
Not sure if I want advice or just a rant, but my confidence in her decision making is leaving me today feeling anxious.

How old was she when she last left? Why did you want her to go?

When she left home it was just time. She had left uni and was without a plan and I said if she wasn’t studying she needed to be making her own way.
Harsh but I was not able to to support her if she wasn’t making things work. She did go and live with her her dad for a time and worked for him in catering, and then tried uni a second time and quit.
I just worry that she’s not thought through the idea of being back home after time away. Rose tinted specs or thinking it’s a cheap alternative to flat share. But being an adult moving back isn’t going to be easy.

So should have said she left home at 21

You need to make the rules and conditions about her moving home crystal clear before it happens. You need to tell her what you expect her to do interms of housework, that she will be responsible for all of her own laundry, keeping her room clean to your standards, etc. You also need to be clear what you will allow as to overnight guests, boyfriends/girlfriends staying the night, etc.

Will she be able to buy her own food, contribute to bills, etc?

Don't go into this without laying everything out, op. That will be a mistake.

Seeing as you offered for her to move back in with you and seeing as you were initially 'delighted' at the idea it's a shame you are having second thoughts.

Does your daughter know that you are worried about her moving back?

Is your daughter working now? I think you should expect her to contribute financially and with equal help around the home. She is more likely to act like an adult if you treat her like one.
Maybe you could sit down with her and agree how you will both run the household. Put things in writing if you think it will help. Are you going to have rules, will you let her boyfriend stay over, when are you expecting her to leave again, etc.

Dropping out of Uni twice isn't unheard of. Hopefully she has matured a little.

Cross post with @Aquamarine1029 😊

Thank you for replies. Yes we have discussed contributing financially, and I know she will look after her own cooking and laundry. And I do want her to succeed. But at times when she has been back to stay over she reverts to being looked after, and I think of Pauline Collins in Shirley Valentine. My daughter is very independent when it suits her then very needy both emotionally and financially when I’m there. Thanks

I think a further chat about expectations in a bit more detail might be a good idea, sharing space amicably is about more than splitting chores and expenses. I would be setting out very clearly that it needs to be a more adult relationship now and that you will be expecting of her the same as you would expect of any adult living in your home.

You'll need to resist the temptation to slip back into 'mum mode' but there's no reason you and she can't establish new habits, it just takes a bit of conscious effort for the first few weeks. Good luck, I hope it turns out better than you expect.

Have a chat with her. Say you want to it to work well and come up with some ground rules between you both. Keep it simple.

Sounds like you need clear boundaries and stick to them.

Is she paying rent and bills? If not, and you're doing the shopping whats the rules? I'd actually approach it like a flat share. Own food shopping, own cooking unless you choose to eat together, own washing, keep your mess in your room, wash up and wipe down after yourself.

Also agree on expectations about bringing friends / partners back. Are you ok waking up and meeting her ONS or not?

Thanks for replying all. Yes a conversation around how it’s going to work is needed. She has a boyfriend who is in a flat share so possibly will stay there rather than bring him here. Have said I will make space in the fridge as she likes to cook, and might not be on the same timetable.
I think I’m worried as at times she say she doesn’t sleep well, so can be grumpy.
But I suppose the bottom line is I want her to succeed at Uni and at least if she’s here then it eases financial pressure. We have agreed an amount of money towards bills.

Why did she leave Uni previously, is it likely to be similar?

She's quit uni twice before? That's a concern. An undergraduate degree isn't that challenging. What is different about this time, what is going to be stopping her from dropping out again?

I'd be quite concerned that 'move back for uni' could end up with 'live at home because I dropped out and can't get a job that pays enough to move out'.

Can you have a conversation about the limits of the offer? Ie all the time she's at uni, but not otherwise?

uni isn’t for everyone and actually work prospects can be much better doing degree level nvq’s in the workplace. What is she studying?

Over the course of her earlier stints at uni she had some personal issues that I can’t discuss. She does have a good work mindset, and has realised with a science degree her prospects are much better.
I think my problem is having another adult when I’m so used to my space.