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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

What to do about Ex?

7 replies

Icantremembermyusername · 09/08/2022 22:20

Hi, I'd really appreciate some input.
My Ex, and father of my dc 11, routinely lies about his health, work, leisure commitments to get out of his parenting responsibilities. Recently I've had to cross reference the lies on my calendar to try and make sense of what's going on.
For context he has DC EOW and one evening (usually Wednesdays) a week from the end of the school day until 7pm. During the school hols (ie now, from the end of school and overnight until I pick up at 9.30am the following morning).
Last week he asked to do Tuesday instead. I agreed, planned a meal out with a friend. 12pm Tuesday I received a message saying he had a very important meeting and would change to Wednesday. I was pleasant but mentioned I would now have to alter my own plans. He didn't care. Wasn't his fault, he has to work. Wednesday 2pm - hes not feeling very well and can't do it. I was less pleasant as I'd rearranged my plans and now my friend's schedule and my single working mum schedule means it will be Sept before we can meet up child free. Thurs 10am, he calls, he has a very important meeting and can't have DC. I reminded him about Tuesday and asked just how important he is? Yes, Tuesday's meeting had been cancelled and rearranged for Thursday and he can't understand why I'm upset as he'd made alternative plans (which he then cancelled).
Something similar happened the week before but he was more unwell (text at midnight to say he's been sick and won't be well enough to pick up DC at 4pm) than had work commitments.
Do I just have to suck this up? I'm consistently missing out on work opportunities, leisure time and being able to plan my own life - all because he can't /won't actually parent his child. Help, please!

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 10/08/2022 15:38

There is nothing you can do. No one can make a parent step up. My ex was like this in the beginning. He liked that he could mess me about and we would be sat around waiting. He didn't care

I took control over the situation. Stopped telling the kids he was coming. He had x day at x time. I'd wait 30 mins then we would go about our day until x day rolled around again. No flexibility and negotiating. He didn't like it in anyway. But that was because I'd finally put my foot down.

It sucks you can never plan things I feel your frustration.

GettingItOutThere · 10/08/2022 22:29

he has a set day. If he cancels - that is it!

I would not let him re-arrange anything anymore. Be tough

fastandthecurious1 · 11/08/2022 10:25

It's hard, I'm assuming it's not so much being firm and if he cancels he misses out because then again you are left with all the childcare and no down time so by letting him rearrange you're at least getting a hopeful change at a small break?

Some men (and women) see it as a favour and not a priority, how old are you children /child x

fastandthecurious1 · 11/08/2022 10:27

My friends ex who cancels constantly and misses so much contact actually said he her one time ' god some men work away on the oil rigs and don't see there kids for 6-12 month at a time and you're getting at me for 6 weeks no contact'!!!!

She was like you work and live 40 minutes away not on the bloody oil rigs! Some men just don't give a crap i guess

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 11/08/2022 10:41

Tell him you have found a babysitter for dc. Once he loses the power he currently has things may calm down..
And do find a sitter.

Starseeking · 11/08/2022 16:41

I really feel for you. My EX refuses to agree to any kind of schedule at all. The most notice I get is 2 weeks. And he'll just email and say "I'm picking up the DC on x day". If I refuse, it means the DC don't get to see him at all, as he's not fussed. Some men just don't give a crap, as they see looking after DC as doing you a favour.

Manchestermummax2 · 11/08/2022 20:55

He has his set days, if he can't do them then tough, no negotiations/swapping.
As another poster said, reply with no worries, I've sorted alternative childcare so will still be doing x.
(Even if that's not true & you're stuck at home) don't let him think he's limited you.

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