It gets easier? Does it?

[BiscoffSundae]

All I ever hear is this being said but does it actually get easier? It’s been 5 years and it just doesn’t! Does it only get easier for some people? Honestly yesterday my daughter had a terrible vomit bug was vomiting everywhere and now my sons just woke up and vomited all over his bed and carpet, I’ve now had to scrub his bed, scrub his carpet, wash all the bedding which I just had to do all this yesterday, I’m now terrified I will get it and how I will cope looking after them alone yet people say it gets better and I often see people saying it’s easier as a single mum? What am I doing wrong as this just isn’t true.

I’ve never seen so much vomit, how is this easier doing it alone than having an extra person? Genuinely don’t get how people think it is

Yes and no. I'm 10 years in. The older they get the less isolated you feel as they are better company. My kids and 9 and 12 we have had sone really great times the last few years despite covid. We have family jokes and traditions and routines (curreny it's watching Brooklyn 99 at bed time and laughing our heads off).

It's still very hard when they are Ill I can't sugar coat it but now they are older the tandem puking is much less likely. But it's replaced by dd1 getting very worried if dd2 is poorly.

They are both old enough to help and I had to make this internal decision couple years ago I wasn't going to do it all anymore and I make them help with quite a bit around the house. I talk to them about the mental load. Dd1 is getting quite mindful about it.

The vomit clean up you describe would still almost break me. I completely understand.

Also smelly disinfectant is your friend. Zoflora or whatever. I used to drown the house in it when the dds were sick. It either helps you not get it or it gets rid of the awful sick smell or both I dunno.

Ah in my experience it completely depends how you're feeling in general and how easygoing or enjoyable your child is or if their behaviour is really bad.

It's easier than doing it in a shitty relationship with a man who does fuck all.

I feel for you. I'm.almist 5 yrs in abd one had the sickness bug last month, it wqs awful. 1 very unwell child, me exhausted from no sleep for 2 nights , 1 perfect healthy child bouncing off the walls.

Well it gets worse, after i posted I sent my son downstairs in the living room as it’s all wooden flooring downstairs so if he vomited again easier to clean, whilst I sort out his room, well he came running up screaming telling me a man was looking in our window! Seriously hate it all even hate living alone and being the only adult to deal with this and not having a partner round for back up, I went to the front of the house but the person had gone so no idea what it was about but now I’m on edge

It's easier than doing it in a shitty relationship with a man who does fuck all.

This exactly

So what if your ex didn’t do fuck all? Mine certainly would have helped clean up or watch the kids

Well I think that makes it hard. So it's not 'so what'. It's relevant to your state of mind. I always had the comfort of knowing that at least, as hard as it was (and it was) I found it easier than the resentment of him sitting there criticising me for not doing everything, but better.
If you have lost somebody who was a good parent while he was there, then that is a loss. Where is he now? does he give you a break?

No he has a mental illness and left, doesn’t want to see them.

Well that's good for you OP but you did ask. That's why many women say it's easier doing it alone.

Of course it's not easier if your ex was an involved helpful supportive father. No need to be snippy about it when you've asked a question and someone had answered

How was i snippy?! Wow clearly I was stressed out when I posted this. I don’t believe anyone finds it easier tbh, more like kidding themselves but no I wasn’t “snippy” I had a very difficult day yesterday and it’s called venting or ranting.

As they get older they are more independent and you get some 'freedom' from parenting. Right now and with them being sick that is hard. And when it is only you it is a lot of pressure.

Hope you can all get some rest and the big passes quickly.

Thank you they are not letting kids they are 11 10 8 and 5 but not personally found it easier I found it easier when they was younger (but the oldest have asd so don’t really get easier) maybe I’m doing something wrong

My ds got d&v so badly we got through sheets and pjs faster than I could wash them. I washed the landing carpet every few hours 😫

But it was an isolated bug, lasted five days and hasn't happened since.

I know it's tough but it will pass xx

Mine is 8 so not as old as your older ones. But yes I did find it easier when she was younger.
This is kind of what I meant when I said it depends on so many things as to whether it gets any easier or not

Yeh I feel like my like has changed a lot, my mum use to help me all the time when mine were younger since my brother had children she now doesn’t want to know and won’t have mine at all and only has his, so I haven’t had a childfree night in 5 years (not saying that she has to have them but she regularly use to have them overnight) but she made a LOT of promises when I had my youngest and ex left me whilst I was pregnant she made a lot of promises about how much support she would be and nothing literally nothing

This is what I meant OP. I'm sorry you had a stressful day, hope you've had a better one today and the germs haven't spread.

Ok apologies if it sounded snippy it really wasn’t meant to.

Well I ended up getting the bug, inevitable really so that was me vomiting plus 4 kids to look after who was also all vomiting. Honestly been horrific I’ve never seen so much vomit and despite giving them vomit buckets, vomit still ending up everywhere. I really don’t find this easier I guess if your ex was abusive etc then it would be easier but surely relationships fail for all types of reasons not just abuse or being useless, not bigging up my ex as he has disappeared but when he was around he never would have let me struggle he was very hands on until his illness, so I find it difficult to see it as easier and it’s sad to hear that so many exes would have just sat there not lifting a finger.

Hope you're feeling a bit better.

I think it must hurt a lot to be left to it by a man who was once a decent partner. That is a lot of loss, on top of all of the practicalities of parenting alone.
Not just the hurt, but the future you saw for yourself not that long ago, it's gone. That must be really hard.

The challenges you're facing as a single parent who once had a decent partner are different to the challenges face by single parents who had really shitty exes, but we're all dealing with a lot, alone. And I think where you are in your head does either make it harder, or make it bearable.

Your H got to have a breakdown. He got to have a reaction to his mental health problems. You haven't had the freedom to react to the loss of a good partner. It's an injustice. I'm not trying to slag him off any more than you're trying to big him up. But his reaction to his problems was to leave you to it 100% and I'm sure you must have had to suppress your reaction to that. Very unfair. But what can you do? You can't wig out. You just have to keep going.

flowers]

Thank you for understanding that’s exactly it, pretty much everything you’ve said. It’s been very difficult to deal with as it’s a complete loss he has completely changed and it is down to his illness.

I can not imagine my ex sitting there ignoring me or the kids he just wouldn’t, I’m shocked so many peoples partners would, he pulled his weight around the house and he would have taken the kids out who were no longer sick, or cooked dinner or cleaned, we’ve been in for 4 days straight as we’ve all suffered with it now that my youngest has recovered I have to still keep her in because I can’t take the other children out who are sick so it’s times like this I realise how difficult not having a partner is as a partner would take the well kids out whilst I stayed home with the sick ones or he stayed home with them. Just the little things but make a big difference.

My partner died 6 years ago leaving me with a 6 month old and 3 year old. None of my family would help with kids as they just “weren’t kid people” 🙄 they are now 9 and almost 7. It is easier in terms of I now don’t have to keep putting them to bed etc but if I am sick it’s still up to me to look after them. I have started to get my oldest to do more things around the house anyway and last time I was ill she even made her and her sister their tea but unfortunately when everyone is ill I think it is always hard and stressful. I actually find it harder in terms of having to make all the decisions in the family with no one at my back. I do get some peace now tho as they do play out. I don’t have to follow them around everywhere so when they play out I can sit with a cuppa and relax.

I think it's probably easier doing it on your own rather than with someone who's going to cause arguments/ put you down/ not pull their weight and cause resentment / be moody etc, even if they are not like that all the time. But it's obviously easier with a partner if they are helpful and supportive. At least that's what I try and tell myself when questioning the decision I made to ask him to leave!

I think most people who say they find it easier on their own have come out of relationships with issues (because otherwise why would they have broken up). But in general yes a second pair of hands would be extremely useful

I get really overwhelmed

I'm one of those who finds it easier to parent solo, than without a useless partner. My second DC has an autism diagnosis and development delay and it's still much better without my EXDP, criticising from the sidelines, but not actually helping.

However, the sickness bug hasn't ever hit us in the way you describe , so I can't imagine how hard it must be with 4 DC all vomiting. It would be easier to have a supportive partner around, though when people say it gets easier over time it must be down to the DC getting more independent and less physically reliant on you as they get older.

Hugs @BiscoffSundae, it's tough for you right now, but it won't always be this way xXx