Kids coming back a mess (emotionally)

[Levithecat]

Does anyone have any tips for kids transitioning home after a stay with their ex? ExH brought our two boys home later than agreed last night so I had to take them straight up to get ready for bed. It took three hours to get them down. My youngest (4) was screaming and hitting himself, hitting me - it’s just so upsetting. I just sat with him, tried to gently move bedtime on… my other boy (9) kept coming in and asking for cuddles when I was with the youngest and got upset when I couldn’t, then said he was feeling sick and couldn’t sleep. Then the youngest was crying while I was trying to sort the oldest. I tried to speak with them to acknowledge how hard it is moving between homes.
it’s so draining and lonely for me though, and they’ve both cranky this morning.

anyone got any top tips?

Did you ask dad if they had a good time - was this the first time away - there’s all sorts of things that could have made them behave like this. It’s important that you don’t say anything negative about your ex in front of them.

it’s a big deal going to stay with the other parent - I’m 49 and can still remember going to my dads and the feeling of being unsettled

I wonder if they’d been eating sweeties? Drinking fizzy drinks? A lot of screen time?

the best way is to have them gone around 6pm, then you can bath, and settle them

I have asked if he could make sure he brings them back earlier. We had agreed latest 6.30 but 6 is better.
they stay with him roughly once a month though they see him lots during the week.

What time did he bring them back?

I think you cant control what he does - but you can what you do. It sounds as if maybe just letting them decompress when they got home, talk to them ask them what they did.

If they needed to sleep in this morning thats fine

This might not work with the younger one but certainly with the older one I would try something I’ve done with my sensitive DD when she gets herself like this after coming back. I’ll just clearly articulate some of the things she might be feeling and sometimes it just unlocks something she couldn’t put into words. Like “it’s hard to miss Daddy and be happy to see Mummy at the same time” or “sometimes you feel like you don’t know where you belong” etc. For some things she might shake her head but others provoke tears…hard to watch but you know you’ve hit on something that you can then work on. Reminding them that I missed them but wasn’t sad while they were away is good too (even if I was sad!) so they didn’t feel bad for leaving me.

I always had a bath run for DD regardless of what time she came back even if it was lunch time. Being in water always 'reset' her from any upset from babyhood and it really helped with the transition back to being home. Shes 12 now and will still hop in the shower as soon as she gets in from dads, she has time to decompress and go from the rules and traditions in one house to the other.

I had this fortnightly. They'd come home late, over tired, dirty, spoilt and hyper. They came home with armfuls of stuff and earfuls of negatively about me. It was pretty miserable. One time they both came home horribly sunburnt, and another my son came home in the outfit I'd sent him away in two days previously. He'd slept in it apparently because daddy didn't care. I was furious at the neglect and knew the only tool I had at my disposal was to stop them seeing him, but I didn't have it in me. This continued until he fucked off with his new woman. We've not seen him since. Nor had he paid for them. I don't know what's worse, dealing with the miserable kids fortnightly, or the complete abandonment. I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe they just need to be returned home rather than have an overnight? Is he reasonable enough to talk to ?

One tip I have is before my children leave to go to their Dads house is to ask them what they would like me to get for their dinner on the night they get back. They love telling me what they want to eat and I like to think it is something for them to look forward to whilst they are away.

I used to have this with DS1 and my sis has te same with DN. If it is just once a month, would it work to forget the usual routine for the night they come back? Maybe have a film night. Get yourselves bathed/showered and in PJs and all get in your bed and watch a film, they'll probably both fall asleep pretty quickly.

Just have some pizza and carrot/cucumber sticks if you need to feed them. I finds with my DCs when they won't settle, it's not too bad as long as I am also ready for bed and in a position where I can just fall asleep too.

Sorry for the typos!

Oh yes, I forgot that when DD would come back when she was younger she liked to sleep in my bed on her return so a treat movie night sounds a great idea for older ones.

That’s such a good idea to either have a bath or just a movie and snacks. He bought them back at 7.15, and my youngest had to go to nursery at 8am today, and I knew they’d be super tired. I suppose I worry about delaying the meltdowns but it would probably help to throw the routine out slightly. Also a great idea to talk to them about when they come home before they go so we have a bit of a plan that they’ve bought into.
Thanks all, it’s so hard doing nearly every bedtime alone and if I have them both crying and shouting at me simultaneously it’s extra tough.

When mine first started going for weekends the evening routine was home bath and cuddles in my bed. We talked about what we had been up too and helped the children verbalise their feelings. Transition sucks. And I still feel it at 50 when visiting my dad now. They are older now so less needy in the Sunday evenings

"That’s such a good idea to either have a bath"

Don't know whether you have tried it yet, OP by when my kids are agitated, I find that magnesium based salts in a bath can really proove soothing for them and regulate their emotions. You can also get supplements (in chewy gum style etc) suitable for kids off amazon which you take 30 mins before bed which contain (not particularly high levels but enough) magnesium and some other safe stuff for kids like camomile, zinc and vit B6 which I have always found has really helped with getting my kids to wind down before bed.

I would also highly recommend the kids section of the Calm app for bedtime stories (there are stories suitable for all ages including teens) and also sleep mediations. Works a treat for my two.

sod the routine if its not working, and just find something that works for them. poor things, must be so hard for them and for you to deal with. (had my fair share of post dad's meltdowns. )