50:50 split, how have you organised this?

[Mumof3confused]

I don’t know if this is the right forum but I am in the process of divorce and we have agreed to 50/50 childcare. At the money during term time this looks like:

mon/tues him
weds/thurs me
fri, sat, Sunday alternative weekends

This means 5 days away from my children every other week and I am panicking about this. For work reasons the Mon-Thurs are not flexible (for him) so we are kind of stuck there. I’m wondering if there is some other solution which would work better around the weekends, and which would mean that we don’t have such a long break away from each other. Grateful for any tips on how to manage this, I have been going round in circles thinking about this but perhaps I’m missing something.

thanks

I depends very much on the age of the children, and how involved he has been up to now.

I have a 9yo, we separated when he was 3, for the first year, I had him full time and dad collected him each night from childcare, and bought him back to mine and did dinner and bath until I got home, then we eventually moved to dad having 3 nights a week, wed-sat, now we are doing 5/2/2/5, it works well, I think week on week off is too long for either of us to be apart from our son.

Having said that we are extremely amicable.

I would just be aware that too many changes between houses over the week is harder on the children.

How about wed, thurs, Fri, sat am him

Sat pm, sun, mon, tues you?

I think that sounds ideal. It’s a bit longer than alternate weekends and should be a bit more stable.

do you both want that? Remind your ex that it means that everything is split 50/50 clubs/childcare etc.

I know a few people 50/50 works for if both partners are good parents.

I think you both need to think about what is best for the child, not the adults.

what works best for them? Easy to move between 2 houses at 2 days notice? Or better to do longer stints? Or even not 50:50 just yet but in a couple of years time. Start from the child’s perspective

How will the child feel going back and forth rather than someone saying that what fits in with work

Could he have Sun-Tues and you have Weds-Sat? Or split Saturday in half if it has to be exactly 50/50, so you have Weds to Saturday 1pm and he has Saturday 1pm - Tuesday.

I think it's better for the children if they have consistent days with each parent and fewer changes during the week.

I have done this exact split for years with my DCs. It works really really well for them. We did it as a 6 month trial initially

He’s insisting on 50/50 (I know this is only so that he gets away better financially but what can I do). @crumpet I have the children's best interest at heart but I do not have control over my soon to be ex who is only concerned about himself.

As for a Saturday swap I think a full weekend on/off would work much better with handovers via school.

We do 50/50 and have done for over 6 years. My ex is a great dad and wouldn't have considered less time with his kids. He doesn't really pay maintenance he buys everything the kids need and more and gives me money if kids doing activities. He did pay me maintenance for the first few years while I was a student nurse but thankfully I can support us now.

Anyway, we do Tues/wed/Thur one week and Tues,Fri,sat,sun the next. This works for the kids just now at 9 and 12 and I expect in a few years as we live close they may just come and go. Yes childcare can be a nightmare fore as I work shifts and often end up off the days he has them and working on my days but I'd rather keep it consistent for the kids and not mess about days.

We have a 50/50 arrangement. For the first year or so we did it like yiu suggested so:
me: mon&tues
dad: wed&thurs
alternate Fri&sat
on a Sunday at 4pm, they’d return to whoever they hadn’t spent the weekend with. It was a bit of a pain swapping houses so much but we decided (including the children) that without that swap on the Sunday would leave too longer gap. After the first year or so, we dropped that Sunday swap and now we have a 5/2/2/5 arrangement and it works really well.

We live a 5 minute drive apart so could swap houses with minimal difficulty. I also insisted that they shouldn’t have to ‘pack a bag’ when moving between houses. They only take their tablets and a favourite cuddly toy between us and then have enough in both houses of everything else they need.

Handovers via school are ideal because you only end up trading school uniforms and minimise admin related to moving leisure clothes between homes.

Furthermore, Cafcass argues that contact handovers can be stressful if parents are acrimonious.

Sunday handovers work for some but can also feel rushed. E.g if you have the children you are already clock watching first thing on Sunday rushing to fit the day in before 1600-1800.

One big benefit of two fixed week days for each parent is the freedom to independently book weekly clubs or activities on "your" days without having to enter into arguments with the ex. You can also choose to not book childcare on those days too.

Where parents are highly acrimonious and 50:50 is in the best interest of a child, the court leans more to 7:7 which is basically alternate weeks.

My friend does 7 nights each. Swap being a Wed after a club.
So a full week at each parents. Has done from 3m old. However back then the swap was a fri eve. But works better noa. Wed with the club. Its 30 min drive away from his ex house /dc school. But it works