This is a long one so please bare with me.
My dd's biological dad has always been not a very good parent, he is very selfish & always put himself & others before dd, I stayed in the relationship for years hoping he would change, he didn't! We split, the first few weeks he took dd to his new accommodation, then started changing the plans & letting her down, leaving her waiting, his excuses were not good enough, had a night out etc.
I told him if it continued I would go to a lawyer & get something drawn up legally regarding times etc, he let her down several more times so I sought legal advice, got a letter drafted to him stating his contact times etc, in the letter it stated our dd needed consistency & I would be willing to come & go on change of plans to a certain extent (as I know things can be booked in advance etc) but just for random nights out etc he would need to do them in his own time, he agreed, stuck to it for ONE week then changed the plans, ok I let it go, try again in 2 weeks. His weekend came around, he let dd down, silly excuse but I gave him another chance. Then a few weeks later, same situation, he let her down again, she was breaking her heart to me asking where he was, why wasn't he coming etc.
Christmas time came, he asked to see her for "an hour" on Christmas Eve, I agreed, dropped her off. She came home with a broken present as her Xmas gift. Said present was an old electronic device of a family member, dd couldn't even use it! I contacted him to ask if he could pay to get it fixed for her? I was told no! I said I would pay would he give me the money back? (I would provide receipt) no.
New Years came, he was supposed to have dd, nothing! Not even a message!
I told him I had had enough, he wasn't letting dd down again, so I wasn't letting him have access to her until he could be consistent, this was just not good enough! I contacted my lawyer who sent him a letter stating that until he could be consistent in her life then he wasn't to make any contact with her, if at a time when he decided he could be consistent, contact was to go through the lawyer.
He stopped paying child maintenance (it was only a direct bank transfer between us). Told me he was paying for a child he didn't see, I told him this is all your fault you have had chance after chance & let her down. Gave me lots of abuse (I can handle that, dd is all I care about).
I went through child maintenance service, he got a letter from them & contacted me asking me to drop it, I said no, this way it's all done properly, meaning u won't pay too much or too little etc. he agreed, he pays every week.
A few months ago he asked again if he could see dd as he "misses her" I stated that it should go through the lawyer but I negotiated that we could start with phone contact a few times a week at a certain time & see how they got on, he agreed & promised he would stick to it. We agreed on set times and days and I told him I would remind him, this was down to him. The FIRST time he was supposed to phone, he didn't! The next time he was supposed to phone, he didn't!! I had enough, told him no more chances go through a lawyer!
Fast forward a few months to now, he's now asking again if he can see her. I have told him several times, yes by all means, but take it through a lawyer so we have a legal agreement & your more likely to stick to it. He told me no. I said ok well no contact, you have messed her head up enough I'm not having it anymore.
I've told him several times I would love nothing more than for him to have a relationship with our dd, he just needs to put in the effort, but he doesn't. This is NOT about me & him.
What do I do?
Do I stick to my guns & make him go through the lawyer?
I want what's best for my dd, I don't want her breaking her heart to me again when he lets her down again. She's settled, she doesn't ask for him anymore, she knows her dad is being silly & hopefully will see sense 1 day. She's settled in school etc & doesn't miss out on anything.
Can anyone offer any advice please? Thanks