Ex taking to court

[Horseshooes]

Me and the ex split up over three years ago. It has got prgressively nastier over this time. I had envisaged we would coparent amicably - would still be able to share special events etc so that the kids grew up seeing their parents be loving towards one another despite not being together. Ex decided after a year that this was “not healthy” so we reverted to our arrangement of every other weekend two nights with dad. Then one year in he decided he also wanted them for a weekday night every other week. I agreed to that.

He has not been consistent with childcare since we split. He has booked multiple holidays over weekends or weekdays he is due to have them, if he is ill wont have them, when they have been ill he wouldnt have them, when social engagements have been preferable he hasnt had them or passed them over to his mum instead. Last year he decided that he wanted them one week in the summer as well which we agreed aswell. This is the first time he has ever had the kids during school holidays. He has always refused before, as a result I have had to work term time only since our eldest started school.

I recently sent an email stating that the kids basic needs were not being met. They never have their teeth cleaned, hair brushed at his house, have no bed routine so are always exhausted and he often brings them home at bed time without having had dinner. As a response he is now stating he wants to have the children much more and will be taking me to court. He wants one every other weekday evening, a three night weekend every fortnight and random dates throughout the school holidays (but not enough to mean I can work full time).

Is it reasonable for him to get more visitation when he cant commit to the current arrangement? I am assuming this is all being organised so that he can reduce his child maintenance payments as it would mean he was having them much more than currently.

I have always been the primary caregiver (he has been quite happy about this). I know a lot of this is coming from other members of his family but why should the kids be messed around when he doesnt commit to being consistent and providing basic level care?

Hiya..

I've spent alot if time in court with my ex over the years. When I read your post it was like I'd written it with a few glitches.

Have you tried mediation? The judge will refer to mediation before anything else is done.

One thing I have learnt from going to court is evidence is very important. Save all text messages and emails

@pridehouse Hi! Not done mediation yet. My response to the email was suggesting that as I feel the changes he is proposing are too drastic compared to what he has wanted for the last three years (another reason I know strings are being pulled) - and we are not able to communicate effectively at the moment.

i have kept a note of all the dates he has cancelled/wanted to swap etc so have a fair amount of that. I just didn’t know how much weight they’ll bare. He falls into the not putting the kids in any danger but just a pretty lame dad category. I just struggle with the resentment that my whole life is dictated around him whilst he has the leisure to do as he pleases, earn lots of money etc whilst I struggle, but then he also wants them when it suits him. I just need consistency so we all know where we stand. But every year he throws up another curve ball.

If your going to court you need to keep a record of everything. I don’t know what ages your children are but the younger they are the more consistently that they require. When dad says he is taking them then he should be taking them so I can see exactly why you won’t feel comfortable agreeing to increase in his time.
One thing I would say though is yes it sounds like he isn’t pulling his weight with the kids, however unless the kids are in danger then generally speaking there is nothing you can do. I know what it’s like for you as my son has often come back an exhausted, hungry mess, but bringing it up always made his dad angry and he would start trouble threatening court and coming up with reasons why I am an unfit parent. Life is too short for all that drama and it got me nowhere.

@Crunchingleaf totally agree re: drama. It is something I find hard though. There are so many things I have had to accept aren’t happening as they should or that don’t align with how we chose to parent them jointly, but the basics not being met - It just makes me so angry more can’t be done to ensure they happen.

I’m hoping mediation with prevent going to court but who knows. Children are both under 7 so I am hoping the lack of consistency is a strong factor.

With due respect, the email sounds like your saying he's a rubbish father. Yes he may well be but that's his choice as a parent. I've been to court many many many many times with my ex. What I learnt is that unless it's safeguard, you really do have to let it go. He is free to parent how he chooses. Not brushing their hair, teeth brushed etc is not then end of the world. It won't cause them any damage.
If they are safe at his that's all that matters. If they haven't had tea when their returned then just give them a sandwich.
I know it's hard but they not to sweat the little stuff and believe me, these things are little.

I've been to court and also used to disagree with how my ex parented our son - no routine (my son has additional needs and needs routine), no teeth brushed, didn't give him his medication, drinking excessively around him etc and the judge didn't care. He gave him more visitation and basically said he's free to parent my LO however he wants whilst in his care.

He was also abusive towards me infront of our son too, again the judge said that the past is the past, he doesn't care, we need to work on going forward, so I didn't need any of the evidence.

As frustrating as it is, unfortunately there's not much that can be done other than try and keep it as amicable as possible and choose your battles with your ex.