How to be a calmer mum, please help!

[Stressedoutmum40]

Not sure if I’m asking a silly question but at times I feel so stressed with my kids (5 & 2).

Today we went to the park just before dinner time, it was a spur of the moment decision on my part as we’d been out walking. So I thought 45 mins around the park would be great for them.

My 2 year old has recently given up on his daytime naps so yep he was knackered. Anyways he was running around quite excited when he fell and bumped his head. This resulted in a lump straight away, there were tears but he was happy enough after 10 mins. I started getting stressed because he wouldn’t go back into the buggy so I could look at his head properly he wanted to carry on walking. I got so snappy at my little girl. And I feel totally awful for this. But lately I do become snappy quickly.

I just want to enjoy my days with the kids. We do a lot; parks, playgrounds, picnics, front room picnics, crafts baking
I’m constantly thinking which activity to do next.

i know I overreacted today but as silly as I sound I feel a dent in my confidence.

How do I be/feel more calmer?

I’m writing all this (sorry it’s long) but I just want to get it off my chest and not go to bed going over it in my head.

Are you trying to do too much? I think we feel this tremendous pressure to be entertainment, educating and enriching it children all the time, when actually they get so much from independent play and the quieter moments.
It took me a long time to realize I was spending my time rushing from one thing to another without giving myself it my kids time to breathe and just 'be'.

I'm sure you're doing a fantastic job. Put today's blip behind you and take time tomorrow to recharge your batteries.

You don't need to be so busy all of the time. What happens on the days where you just stay home, watch a bit of telly and chill out.

I'm talking from bitter experience here BTW. It wasn't until lockdown I noticed how much happier we all were as a family doing less.

I’m constantly thinking which activity to do next. - you do not need to do this. It's a lot of pressure on yourself and utterly exhausting. You are allowed to have quiet afternoons where they amuse themselves while you relax. Its allowed. When you allow yourself more headspace, and don't guilt trip yourself for it, you will enjoy them much much more.

First of all, don't undervalue yourself, it's hard being a lone parent but it sounds as though you do everything you can to spend quality time with your children. Obviously I don't know how much support you have but make use of any you do have to relax and recharge your batteries. If, like me, you have no family to help out find other ways.
Could your youngest enrol in a nursery?
Could the children to into a creche at a local leisure centre while you sit in the cafe with a magazine or book?
Ikea offer a free creche while you're in store shopping (or sitting in the cafe)
Even snuggling up on the sofa watching cartoons is relaxing. You don't always have to be doing something.
Secondly, could you talk to your GP or HV about how you're feeling? You may be suffering from depression which could be helped with therapies or medication.
Good luck, I hope all goes well for you.

I agree to all the previous comments that you seem to be stretching yourself thin and slow down a bit. Allowing your kids to lead play independently at home within reason can help you sort things out as well.

But when it comes to high stress moments such as the one at the park that’s when you need to communicate (which I know can sometimes feel futile to younger kids). But simply saying to your 5 year old “mums feeling upset right now can you hold on 5 minutes while I help your brother” or “I need 5 minutes to get sorted” etc.

Kids are very reception when lead by example so the more communicating you do with them now (letting them know when you’re upset or tired or happy) they will start to communicate with you what they are feeling or need from you. Setting boundaries is so important for you and the kids but it’s an uphill battle.

You do really seem to be doing great though. Also try looking into “gentle parenting” online it shows great examples or parents calming addressing stressful situations such as this one, but understanding that you can be emotional and upset and angry at times you just need to know how to channel those emotions around your kids.

As others have said don't plan too much. Think about the time of day, weather, children's temperament, what else has happened that day etc and go from there. This applies no matter how old they are, I plan very different lessons for my Yr 10s on a Tuesday Morning than I do the same group last lesson on a Friday.

Transitions can be very tricky times, how did you communicate to your children it was time to go home and that they needed to sit in the buggy? Children need pick up and processing time to follow instructions particularly if they are tired.

Also, don't underestimate the power of an apology. 'I'm really sorry I spoke to you like that at the park. I was worried about your brother as he hurt his head and I spoke to you unkindly, I'm sorry" etc. Will help your little girl know that it is OK to make mistakes.

Have a think about pinch points, what causes the most stress, is it in the PM as you know you all need to get back and have dinner? If so prepare something in advance either in a slow cooker or something like tuna pasta salad. So you can get in and everyone can eat ASAP.

As others have said, don't worry about it - move onto tomorrow. You sound like a lovely mum who does a lot with her children, but be kind to yourself - and good enough parent is OK too.

And also as others have said - don't worry about planning too much, children learn so much from independent play and their own imaginative games. Conserve your energy - you had already been walking, no need to go to the park also. If you feel perhaps anxious, you might be more likely to be irritated. Pop some gentle music on at home, grab a cup of tea, let your children loose with some magazines that they can rip pictures out of and stick in a scrapbook etc. Yes it is a bit of a mess after, but they will be occupied for ages.

Just wondering if you are you planning the activities to meet people socially? If so, I can understand why you are planning the activities, but perhaps limit it to a couple of times a week to take the pressure off yourself.

Another good thing is to take vitamin B complex. I takes about three weeks, but it really helps with your nerves

You know how dc lose it when they’re hungry, thirsty, over tired, haven’t hugged or connected in a while or reach the edge of their abilities?

It’s similar for parents, and when you’re handling small dc, you have to really work hard to meet your own needs for those things. But if you’re not powered up, no one else is going to have a great day either.

Thank you all for your kind, positive and encouraging replies.

Today was a better day, absolutely.

I think after reflecting on yesterday, we do need some chill out at home days too. I’ve been worrying about the six weeks holidays and this need to fill the days.

Today we popped out for a couple of short walks and the rest of the day was spent relaxing and playing tea parties.

Yes, it was probably not my best idea going to the park right before dinner time, both the kids were tired and hungry.

I do need to make a little more time for me. Well my mum says she will have the kids for a couple hours tomorrow so I’m planning on going for a run.

The summer holidays just seemed so overwhelming.

I did say sorry to my daughter and explained I was worried about her brother falling over and hitting his head. She gave me the biggest hug and took it all in her stride.

I do need to stop overthinking and just enjoy the simple pleasures.

I’m going to look into the Vit B complex and evening primrose too. And try and practice some yoga again daily.

Sounds good OP. Be careful with Evening Prinrose it can affect people negatively. There was a thread on it a few days ago.

When Dd was younger I would make a calendar of the summer holidays and find out what was going on in the local area and put it on my calendar even if it wasn't my thing. So summer fetes, music at the band stand, children's productions or workshops at the local theatre etc. I'd take a picnic to keep costs down and do just one thing a day if that. That way I could get out and about, we did different things so boredom was less likely.

Thank you @Singleandproud I wasn’t aware about Evening Primrose, I will look up the thread you mentioned.

Funnily enough last night I jotted down some local events happening which I’m sure my little ones will enjoy, even if we are only there an hour or so. And keeping regular chill out days now.

i honestly think I got myself worked up about coping over the holidays.

Thanks 😊

The book Hunt Gather Parent was wonderful for helping me learn to be calm and for children to be more happy and relaxed. Also How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk

But I know finding the time to read books can be a serious struggle!

You sound like a fantastic mum and your kids are lucky to have you. Be kind to yourself. When your mum offers take the time for yourself you need it !

@PurpleSneakers
I think that's a good point, I think as single parents the idea of spending time at home / not having things planned can be scary, as it can get quite lonely? I suffer with the same thing and find it hard to say no to things, more days just chilling would be good!