Where is daddy?

[Daddyissuess]

DD is almost 3 and has no contact with her dad. He's currently in jail for abusing me and will not be out until she is almost 5. We're still going through family court as he wants contact but social services have stated that they would not support contact with him due to many factors and he's unlikely to be granted any (for the time being anyway).

Lately DD has been shouting "I want Daddy" when she's upset and it's tearing me apart. She doesn't remember him and he never bothered to see her regularly. The last time he saw her was a few months after her first birthday and infrequent FaceTime calls until around 19 months.

I've tried explaining that he isn't around and that she has lots of other people that love her. She will sometimes ask where he is and then straight away go on to list our other family members.

I know she's just copying other kids at nursery as the other day she said she wanted "Finn's daddy".

It's really upsetting me and I'm not sure what else I can say to her at the moment that she'll understand. Her speech and understanding is really good but I'm just not sure what to say!

Just tell her she doesn't have a daddy. Lots of DC's don't have daddies.

You just have to repeatedly do what you are doing. Your child will stop asking at sone point.

'Daddy doesn't live with us so you can choose from Mummy, Grandma, Gramps, Uncle Steve etc.'

Tricky very tricky. I would say Daddy is very far away at the moment because everyone has a DAD. It's a bit bad to tell your child they don't have a dad.

Don’t say she doesn’t have a dad it’s not true and she will grow up thinking he is dead, unfortunately I’ve had the same with my 5 year old she constantly asks for her dad and hasn’t seen him in nearly 2 years, I just don’t have the answers for her I’ve explained not everyone has a dad involved and some people aren’t able to be fathers it got worse when she started school as she seen all the dads at pick up and sports day etc, but don’t tell your child she doesn’t have a dad that’s not fair on her even if he is a bad person it’s a lie.

Thanks everyone, I definitely won't be telling her she doesn't have a dad. It's not true and could be confusing later down the line.

I suppose I'll just continue as I am for now although it doesn't seem to be working

I've had a look at some books on Amazon but as I can't read what's inside it seems pointless as I don't know if they'll be helpful to our situation. Any recommendations?

One option is to be honest. Daddy did some bad things and has been sent away to the place for bad men. Better she hears it from you, than playground taunts from a child who overhears adults gossiping.

My kids ask after their father, it's tough. He's also unable to see them, but they are older and do remember him and the relationship they had.
It's a normal developmental thing for a child to ask where their father is. I developed some standard answers for my children. It reduces down the stress of trying to say the right thing. Eg I'm sorry your missing him, sometimes even adults make silly dicisions. If your child's anything like mine, they will talk about missing him but quickly move on. It comes in peeks and trofts. But they miss him more when there's a special event etc etc. In a sense I just acknowledge their sadness, reassure them and move on. As there's really nothing I can do about it. My kids are involved in a lot of after school activities, so they don't have a lot of time to sit around and miss him.
In a way I've had to teach myself to be more resilient. This has helped me to cope with supporting them through this horrible messed up situation.

@Justmeandme19 Thankyou this was really helpful. Sorry you're having to go through it too

I am in a slightly different situation to you, but also similar in many ways.

The advice and research I read was to tell the children age appropriate truth.

When they ask, I tell my children that daddy did a naughty thing and he’s not allowed to see them at the moment. I make sure they know it’s not their fault, and ask what it is they miss so I can try to make it better. One if my children is too young to remember him at all, the other has vague memories. But it’s the idea of a dad, not their actual dad, that they miss. I explain that they have lots of people who love them and I’m never going to do anything that means I’ll have to leave.

I try not to say anything too negative - he also did something awful - but I read that kids will identify that with themselves as they are half their fathers iyswim, and it can significantly affect them. I know they’ll learn more, and figure out more, as they get older, but hopefully they’ll be better equipped to deal with it.

it’s important not to lie, but I do tell my kids that they can ask anything they want and that i’ll answer if I can but somethings will have to wait until they are older.

It’s the best I can do, but it is heartbreaking.

TotallyFloored, that is an excellent approach to take. It means that your DC can trust you not to lie to them, which is important for all other areas of their lives too.