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Original poster

Do some fathers just not care?

25 replies

Pammy0 · 17/07/2022 07:25

My 1 year olds father and I split a while ago and we both had to move away from the area we lived in so now he has to travel down 6 hrs to see our son and for the time being as he’s able to afford coming down once a month. But that’s not the point, he comes down and near where I live he has friends who he likes to come down and see every time he sees our son, and from the whole weekend he’s down here, he only sees our son for a few hours typically on the day he leaves and mainly spends time with his friends.

Between that time he never really shows like he cares or asks about him, he is however first to start arguing with me about anything and try to control me from afar. It’s like he does things to be spiteful to me snd doesn’t act like he cares for his son, that’s what multiple people have noticed and said- which I had the same opinion beforehand already. But if so then why does he not care and does the absolute bare minimum, I let him off with child maintenance as he has to pay a lot to come down but even every couple of months he could get our son some essentials but he doesn’t. I asked him for nappies, wipes and formula the other day once since March and he got the first 2 things but not formula and started ignoring me asking about that. Would like to also point out we have lived apart for 7mos now and it’s like he feels like he’s single and enjoying his “old life” as most of the time he’s not an active father.

What is it in the brains of those types of fathers, why is he so selfish and shows the absolute bare minimum to his son

OP posts:
BiscoffSundae · 17/07/2022 13:13

I don’t know but my ex hasn’t seen our kids since January 2021 so yes to answer your question some fathers just don’t care

JubileeTrifle · 17/07/2022 13:22

No some just are not interested.

My friend bent over backwards to help her ex see their child. Told him not to give her money but use it visit. Sorted him places to stay. Offering to pick him up in the car. Nothing.
THEN he got unwell and she couldn’t get rid of him. He was furious that 8 year old DC wasn’t all over him (he was a stranger). Anyway he got better and lost all interest again.

DenholmElliot1 · 17/07/2022 13:24

Some fathers don't care, it's true.

Your son doesn't need him anyway. He's got you and thats all he needs.

ChrisTrepidation · 19/07/2022 07:32

Firstly stop letting him off with child maintainance. Boo hoo hoo if it's expensive for him to travel to see his child. He barely spends any time with him when he does anyway! Yout son is entitled to that money. You don't get out of forking out for your child, why should his father? Fathers who wriggle out of paying the money they full well know they should are scumbags. He doesn't deserve your consideration.

Some fathers just do not care. It's horrifying but true. I could see very quickly after our twins were born that my ex husband didn't love them like be should. It never got better and he buggered off when they were 15 months old. Some men should not be fathers. I believe its a form of sociopathy.

Rot · 19/07/2022 07:41

An awful lot of men don't want kids. Many, many perhaps most men.

Sadly, not all of these men are honest with themselves and their partners.

cantcomplainabouttheweather · 19/07/2022 08:07

Because a lot of men are fathers not by choice. I'd say overwhelmingly threads I see on MN about shit fathers you can bet they a) weren't married b) hadn't been together that long c) contraception failed in some way but the mother decided to continue the pregnancy

MsFrenchie · 19/07/2022 08:41

Yes, some men allow themselves to be convinced by their partners that they want children, but don’t. Some men accept that their partner wants a child, even if they themselves don’t. Some couples have failure of contraception, the man doesn’t want to continue, but as they have no say in the matter the woman gives birth.

Some women trick men, claiming to be using contraception, but then not taking the pill.

There are also some men who simply don’t care at all, don’t give a second thought to contraception, and are happy to get a woman pregnant then leave.

As women we have agency to reduce the chance of this happening. One way to do this is to wait to have children until we are mature enough to better understand our partners, to wait until we are married in a committed relationship, and only to have children with a man who we think wants them and understands the expectations.

If you choose to get pregnant by Gary who works in the chicken shop and whose Nile real love is his Citroen Saxo, six months after he first fingered you out the back of the shop and before you have lived together then it’s not going to surprise anyone if he’s an uninterested father.

Starlightstarbright1 · 20/07/2022 20:28

I was married.. We had fertility treatment. So a very planned baby.. He was bloody useless. Unable to prioratise my ds ..It takes 2 to make a baby.. stop blaming women for the failure of fathers.

My advice Op... claim cms.. don't make ut too easy. He either steps up or doesn't.. He doesn't get to use his cms to catch up with his mates

beclou1994 · 20/07/2022 20:31

Sadly the answer is yes. My “Dad” hasn’t bothered with me in 27 years. Even when I reached out to him, he still didn’t care. I’ll never understand how you can just switch off from your own child.

Original poster
Pammy0 · 24/07/2022 16:03

Oh sorry to Not have explained it more properly but with me and my ex, he was the one who wanted our son at first more then me (I was scared to tell my family) but now he does the bare minimum

OP posts:
WhatIsThisPlease · 24/07/2022 16:14

I hear you @Pammy0

I was married and been with my ex for 6 years when he left me two weeks before DC2 was born.

He's had very little to do with them since, never had them overnight, taken them on holiday etc. he's met up with the three of us a few times a year for lunch but that's it.

He's married again since and has two more DC who he's a devoted dad to. His new wife didn't allow him to see my two for around 8/9 years (although he secretly saw them behind her back).

I came to the conclusion that he didn't care a long time ago and now my DC are of the same opinion and want little/nothing to do with him.

mydogisthebest · 24/07/2022 16:23

I agree with another poster that basically a lot of men do not really want children. I think even the ones that say they do honestly deep down don't care whether they have any or not.

BiscoffSundae · 24/07/2022 16:29

mydogisthebest · 24/07/2022 16:23

I agree with another poster that basically a lot of men do not really want children. I think even the ones that say they do honestly deep down don't care whether they have any or not.

I think this is true I think men generally don’t want children and just go along with it for the woman

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 24/07/2022 16:51

I would change your train of thought. It isn't he doesn't care it's because he knows he has nothing to offer his dc because he isn't a decent person in general... Best off without him op.
As is your dc.
Cms though. That isn't optional..

Cheeptweet · 24/07/2022 17:09

Absolutely claim maintenance!

LondonWolf · 24/07/2022 17:12

Rot · 19/07/2022 07:41

An awful lot of men don't want kids. Many, many perhaps most men.

Sadly, not all of these men are honest with themselves and their partners.

I agree with this and yet women told that the man they had a child with and who did everything he could to avoid the actual hard work of raising a child is entirely equal to them and they are berated and told they must hand their child over to them 50/50 without a word of complaint if he shows the slightest inclination to want that - usually to avoid paying child support or to hurt the mother.

CanYouNotReadTheSign · 24/07/2022 17:27

I was with my daughter's father for 16 years and he was ADAMANT he wanted 3 children. We had 1 child and he couldn't give a shit beyond using her to antagonise me. We split 18 months ago and I no longer excuse his shitty narcissistic behaviour to anyone.

SlipperyLizard · 24/07/2022 17:35

My dad has 3 kids with my mum, a step daughter & a kid with his second wife. He has never shown any sign of caring about me & my siblings. He has never even met my sister’s kids, and has met mine a handful of times. I’m not even sure anyone would tell us if he died (how would they know where we live now?).

Some men just don’t care (he seems to have an ok relationship with my step sister & half brother though).

Sorry, OP, it stinks for your son.

antelopevalley · 24/07/2022 17:37

I think some men do want children before they come along, but do not like the reality so just opt out.

SomePosters · 24/07/2022 17:51

MsFrenchie · 19/07/2022 08:41

Yes, some men allow themselves to be convinced by their partners that they want children, but don’t. Some men accept that their partner wants a child, even if they themselves don’t. Some couples have failure of contraception, the man doesn’t want to continue, but as they have no say in the matter the woman gives birth.

Some women trick men, claiming to be using contraception, but then not taking the pill.

There are also some men who simply don’t care at all, don’t give a second thought to contraception, and are happy to get a woman pregnant then leave.

As women we have agency to reduce the chance of this happening. One way to do this is to wait to have children until we are mature enough to better understand our partners, to wait until we are married in a committed relationship, and only to have children with a man who we think wants them and understands the expectations.

If you choose to get pregnant by Gary who works in the chicken shop and whose Nile real love is his Citroen Saxo, six months after he first fingered you out the back of the shop and before you have lived together then it’s not going to surprise anyone if he’s an uninterested father.

Such a victim blaming attitude

6years with my partner before a decision was made to stop using contraception. A suggestion first tabled by him and put on hold by me till we had both given up smoking.
6 months pregnant the first time he hit me
6 month old baby was at risk of being taken into care due to the neighbours phoning in the domestic violence they could hear

he stopped coming to the social services ordered contact centre to see her when it became clear he couldn’t use it to control me anymore.

8 years later he’s never followed that up or attempted to re establish contact and frankly I’m relieved at this point.

Original poster
Pammy0 · 24/07/2022 18:34

WHAT using her to antagonise you... so u think/know that’s the only reason he wanted a child? I’m asking because my ex does the same. Well it seems like it to me. We’ve known each other for 3 years and so I don’t know him AS well and our son wasn’t planned but he was definitely more excited then me aboht having a baby. He was 23 I was 18 and it’s funny because his mother says I tried to trap him for a baby.... I’ll be honest it seems more like it was his idea. I wouldnt ever have it in me to “trap” someone for a child. I just hope and pray (and try to raise) my little man to be the opposite of those types of men who treat women like that it’s horrible

OP posts:
CanYouNotReadTheSign · 24/07/2022 18:40

My ex only started using our daughter to antagonise me after we split. Apologies for not making that clearer.

Original poster
Pammy0 · 24/07/2022 18:57

Ah it’s ok, no I get that I’ve the same situation with my ex

OP posts:
Palg68 · 28/07/2022 14:13

You have a long long way to go OP. Are you working? Childcare is expensive and wrap around child care. Claim for your child's sake and perhaps you can also travel once a month too.

BlackeyedSusan · 31/07/2022 11:22

cantcomplainabouttheweather · 19/07/2022 08:07

Because a lot of men are fathers not by choice. I'd say overwhelmingly threads I see on MN about shit fathers you can bet they a) weren't married b) hadn't been together that long c) contraception failed in some way but the mother decided to continue the pregnancy

then don't have sex or get a vasectomy and use a condom. they make choices knowing that sex can lead to pregnancy.

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