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Lone parents

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Original poster

Advice needed - ex has broken court order and refused to return the kids!

18 replies

bookemdanno · 16/07/2022 17:23

Hi everyone, I really need some advice.

I'm currently going through the Family Courts with my ex partner over the custody of our two DCs. The relationship was verbally/emotionally abusive and I left with the children to protect them from being brought up in that environment. Currently they reside with me and he has them to stay with him every other weekend (court-ordered arrangements), and I want it to stay that way - he is petitioning to have that reversed so he can have them fill time and give me visitation rights.

Last weekend he had them as usual, plus an extra day that was pre-arranged, and he was due to bring them back to me on Tuesday evening. I got a text from him an hour before they were meant to come home, saying that he had decided to report me to Children's Services for neglect and child endangerment - false accusations, I assure you! He stated that he was advised (by CS) that he had parental responsibility and therefore was keeping the children with him for their protection.

Extra to this is that on the Friday when he originally collected the kids, our eldest apparently mentioned a man (let's call him Bob) who had 'been in their bedroom' - Bob is my new partner whom I have been seeing for 5 months, has been introduced to the kids recently as Mummy's friend (they're not old enough to understand relationships, and I have other non-romantic male friends so it's not unusual), and yes Bob has been in their room to read them a bed time story, and I was present the whole time.
My ex queried this at the time and I assured him that Bob was not a danger and has never been unobserved with the children, but my ex is clearly choosing not to believe me. I didn't give any further info on Bob (ie whether or not he is someone I am seeing, a friend, a colleague, etc) as my ex has no right to know anything about my private life beyond what affects the children. I'm guessing it isn't a coincidence that my ex has found out about Bob and then within a few days has decided to report me to the authorities.

My ex told me he was reporting me for apparently verbally abusing the kids (I do not) and for neglect, but now I have spoken to the MASH team it turns out he only made the report about Bob. I gave them Bob's details and they are doing a police check on him (should have zero issues there), but my ex has made no promises to return the kids if and when the report comes back clean.

So far I have spoken with CAFCASS (who are currently doing a Section 7 report for the courts), with the MASH Team for Children's Services, and with my solicitor who has sent a demand to my ex's solicitor for him to return the children, pointing out he has broken a court order and is preventing our eldest from attending introductory sessions for integration into their new school.

While I understand my ex's initial concerns re Bob, this seems to be another example of his controlling behaviour (contributor to why I left), and it did not require him to keep the children in his custody if he still wanted to report me to CS. Does anyone have any other advice about what I can and can't do here? I want to make sure I am doing all I can to ensure I get my children back.

Thank you.

OP posts:

Justmeandme19 · 16/07/2022 22:48

Hey there. How stressful for you! I had years of behaviour like that from my ex husband it was a nightmare.
Because of my exs behaviour I decided not to date until it was resolved. Obviously I understand people have different ideas but I feel you end up inviting more trouble for yourself.
The problem is that regardless of if he has breached a court order, the children living with him will soon become " normal " in the eyes of the courts. That's something you don't want, as it could be deemed it was in their best interest to live with him permanently.

BananaSpanner · 16/07/2022 22:59

Are they going to school/nursery/regular activities? Can you pick them up early from there?

Ive got to be honest, not sure I’d be encouraging a relatively new boyfriend to read the kids bedtime stories. I think you may have given him some ammunition there. Not as far as child endangerment or anything like that but you’ve muddied the waters a bit re who they are safest with.

gfwantsmoney · 16/07/2022 22:59

There is not much you can do. Safety of the children is paramount. The accusations have to be investigated. Now you are experiencing what a lot of men do when they are falsely of heinous crimes accused in order to remove the children from them. You have to go back to court I am afraid and put your case to the judge. As PP said, if this takes too long, the judge may decide that it is in the best interest of the children to stay with their father.

RunningFromInsanity · 16/07/2022 23:13

I think if I had heard that my partners new bf of 5months was in my child’s bedroom I would have concerns.

Isaidnoalready · 16/07/2022 23:17

It's not a good time to be introducing new partners to children in the middle of a custody case as it muddys the waters unfortunately

Will the police get involved as there is already a court order?

bellac11 · 16/07/2022 23:21

What do the children want?

What does the child arrangements order say, who should the children be living with?

I agree with others, I dont know why you would introduce a man into their bedroom to read them stories at bedtime, whether you were there or not. Was this his idea?

lonelydad2022 · 16/07/2022 23:21

Isaidnoalready · 16/07/2022 23:17

It's not a good time to be introducing new partners to children in the middle of a custody case as it muddys the waters unfortunately

Will the police get involved as there is already a court order?

The police won't intervene.

bellac11 · 16/07/2022 23:24

Police will only remove children from a property if they are at immediate danger.

mathanxiety · 16/07/2022 23:28

Go to court. File a motion against your H for contempt. (He is in breach of the court order). You can ask the clerk of the family court how to file a motion, what form a motion should take, and what counts as certification of service, which has to accompany the motion. Your divorce case will most likely have a number, which should be used in your motion heading, and the order wrt visitation will have to be photocopied and included as an appendix.

Take time off work to get this done.

Wrt Bob - it's not what your ex says it was, but no way should you have allowed Bob to get involved in the bedtime routine. Slow down with this 'friend'. Your child mentioned Bob because he's not comfortable. Sorry if what I'm saying is harsh, but you have to do what's right by your children and you also have to cover your arse.

lonelydad2022 · 16/07/2022 23:30

bellac11 · 16/07/2022 23:21

What do the children want?

What does the child arrangements order say, who should the children be living with?

I agree with others, I dont know why you would introduce a man into their bedroom to read them stories at bedtime, whether you were there or not. Was this his idea?

And why would a man want to do for a child he hardly knows. Red flag.

JanglyBeads · 16/07/2022 23:37

Hardly a red flag - although not the greatest of ideas, I agree.

Is the eldest moving into Reception, Y3 or Y7? Missing transition days for any of these big moves make this more serious. (I don't mean it'll scar the child forever, it'll v probably make not a jot of difference in the long run, don't worry!)

Does ex realise this part?

bellac11 · 16/07/2022 23:49

lonelydad2022 · 16/07/2022 23:30

And why would a man want to do for a child he hardly knows. Red flag.

Show quote history

We dont know how the situation came about, therefore you cant say its a red flag (and how I hate that phrase)

He might be some numpty who was talked into it by OP and he thought it would make him look good if he said yes.

springbreak22 · 16/07/2022 23:54

Seeing 'Bob' for 20 weeks and he's reading bedtime stories to your young children.

swimlyn · 18/07/2022 19:05

Quite a few unpleasant digs at OP here, which seems unnecessary in “mums” net.

As I see it, at the moment you both have parental responsibility (PR). Even with the court order agreeing days with you/with him, I guess the police will not want to know unless there is serious cause for concern. (I guess there isn’t right now)

From OP post:
I gave them Bob's details and they are doing a police check on him (should have zero issues there), but my ex has made no promises to return the kids if and when the report comes back clean.

I think you should definitely view your ex as the enemy here. He will probably do anything at this ‘begin school’ point to keep the DC. Surely your solicitor should be firing on all cylinders right now?

As PPs have said, he’s trying to normalise custody with him before the school date. I suppose he also could be planning on getting to the court before you do.

Sorry I don’t know much about family court to understand how they approach breaches like this. Perhaps naively I’d have thought that you don’t have to live like a nun? Is that what they’d be expecting?

Other posters may have useful info if this breach situation has happened to them.

bellac11 · 18/07/2022 19:27

Its simply not appropriate to introduce your new boyfriend (and 4 months is nothing) to your children's bedroom routine, including being in the bedroom with them, tucking them into bed/reading stories

Its not 'digs' at the OP, its highlighting that she needs to hold off from this and she didnt say whether she had introduced it or whether the boyfriend had asked to do it. Even if the kids asked, she says no, thats my job.

swimlyn · 19/07/2022 18:07

Well I think there are unhelpful digs, and also you’ve chosen to completely ignore:
“and yes Bob has been in their room to read them a bed time story, and I was present the whole time…”

bellac11 · 19/07/2022 18:32

I didnt ignore that, I knew that.

It makes no odds at all, she has invited (and by her being there it makes it appear to the children that they absolutely can lower their guard and boundaries) him into the bedroom the fact that he is in an intimate space with children, in their beds, in their pjs, probably sitting on their bed when thats an intimate parenting role is not ok.

Newmum1998 · 20/11/2022 08:10

Hi Op just wondering if you managed to get things sorted? This has always been my fear my ex would do something like this

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